I’ve Seen a Thing or Two…

2016 December 22
by mockers

My wife’s dog is my best friend. She is happiest when she travels someplace and visits people. She seems to know when a trip is entirely for her benefit. Under these circumstances, I have seen that dog have literal seizures of happiness.

She is most unhappy when she feels as though it’s necessary to protect the people she loves. She is second most unhappy when I stare at an electronic screen of some sort for extended periods. She will put up with it for about eight hours, then she gets pissed.

As I slog my way through Lars von Trier’s 2014 Nymphomaniac films, I am beginning to see why. There are moments of extreme beauty, but they come at a price. More than twice I’ve heard Chief Wiggum yell, “Stop in the name of American squeamishness!!” in my head.

So far I’ve had to watch someone wipe Christian Slater’s ass, look at Shia LaBeouf’s penis, and observe Uma Thurman’s head. So far it’s been worth it, but I am likely to come out of this thing as a different person.

I hope my wife’s dog still loves me.

Lakrfool Friday

2016 December 9
by mockers

Another kickass installment by Lakr. I swear to Jibbers, we’re gonna make something together when he gets back. The guy is super talented.

 

Fridays at Mockable are generally for guests. While I no longer know the password to the mockable email address, you can sent me stuff at metten0*at*gmail. If it isn’t plagiarized or racist or whatever, I’ll certainly display it proudly. Thanks – metten

 

Merry Holidays

2016 December 8
by mockers

Once again, your facebook idiocy has forced me to issue my annual informational announcement and warning:

When the calendar indicates that it is on or near Thanksgiving day, I tell people, “Happy Thanksgiving.”

When the calendar indicates that it is on or near Christmas day, I tell people, “Merry Christmas.”

The same goes for every holiday in the holiday season. When it’s November 20th or December 10th or whatever, and I doubt I will see that person again before the holiday season ends, I say, “Happy Holidays.”

You see, that’s how a language works, you simple fuck. Different words mean different things. This is why I don’t call my car a cheeseburger.

So…dick…if I wish you happy holidays and you attempt to correct me, I will immediately rescind any wishes for your happiness and well-being. If there are stairs nearby, I may attempt to sucker-kick you down them. You’re just as annoying as the politically correct people – and you’ve officially been warned.