mockable.org

Hello, this is Jeff typing, and I have an unfortunate announcement to make.  A few days ago Metten and I acknowledged the 350 lb mama’s boy in the room, and finally had a conversation about the future of this website.

And we’ve decided to take it down.

This is something that makes me sad, because it’s been a lot of fun.  We’ve been at it for roughly a year, and, at the risk of sounding self-congratulatory, there’s some really funny shit posted here.

But, for whatever reason (needless to say, I blame myself), Mockable never attracted a large audience.  At one point there were roughly 500 visitors per day, which ain’t too shabby, but it’s decreased over the past few months.  Not a good sign.

When I came up with the idea for the site, I envisioned it as a depository for comic bitching about the little everyday things that irritate us.  I thought we’d get to the point where Mockable pretty much ran on autopilot, as readers provided the content.

Indeed, we received a lot of great submissions, and I thank everyone who participated.  You guys are awesome!  But the large, vibrant community I imagined never gathered.  Again, I take the blame.

I want to thank everyone who visited the site on a regular basis (both of you), everybody who submitted a guest Mock, and especially Metten.

Over the years I’ve attempted to collaborate on various projects with people, and it hasn’t gone well.  There’s usually a disparity in passion, if you know what I mean.  One of us is more committed than the other, and it leads to hard feelings and the wheels quickly flying off the project.

But Metten has been committed throughout.  In fact, he’s largely responsible for keeping the site operational over the past few months.  At the end I was posting fiction one day a week.  WTF?

So, anyway.  Thanks for everything.  And you haven’t heard the last of the Metten/Kay collaborations.  This one didn’t work, but the next one will.  I’m convinced of it.

Metten might want to post a goodbye, as well.  Or maybe he’ll let this one speak for both us.  I don’t know.  But we’re going to leave the site as it is for a week or so, then remove everything but our farewells.  We agree that Mockable shouldn’t just sit here dormant and sad and flaccid.

So, if you’re interested, revisit the archives while you can.  And we’ll see you guys elsewhere, real soon.

Thank you!

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

Oh Susan of Bagdad, AZ.  Poor Susan of Bagdad, AZ.  Stupid, stupid Susan of Bagdad, AZ.  How in the world did you get this job? It’s really simple Susan.  You take the purchase order, you code it to the number written on the goddamned purchase order and you print a check.  Then you send the check to Chuck.  Let me repeat – read number, type number, print check, check to Chuck.  Yet somehow you add zeroes to the check and code it to R&D.  We nearly had to talk Simone in R&D down off a ledge when last quarter’s budget figures came out because she was led to believe that 6000% of her budget had been expended on cleaning supplies. Please tell me – did you even look at the check you cut?  Did you honestly believe that housekeeping needed 3.2 million dollars worth of floor cleaner?  I guess this doesn’t say much for Chuck either as he signed the check and let it go out…but shit lady – if you can’t figure out a check, how the hell did you successfully apply, interview for and then drive to this job every morning without smashing into buildings and blowing up your car?  I honestly think that the floor cleaner itself would have had a better chance of successfully filling out its own purchase order than you would of actually doing it right for once.

We all know what must have happened.  Chuck hired you because you’re such an attractive young lady, right?  Maybe Susan’s just a little eye candy to show off for the clients like Karl down in sales?  Yeah, probably not unless Chuck has some sort of hair fetish.  Seriously woman – in addition to this mock, we all chipped in and got you a gift certificate to Great Clips.  Please do us a favor and have them wax that shit.  It looks like you ate some sort of woodland creature, vomited it back up and then somehow affixed it to your upper lip.  This story seems most plausible to us considering your world-class halitosis.  (ed. – I know what you guys are thinking – these mocks used to be fun, but now they’re just mean…well pardon us, your majesty!  This lady’s face is so hairy we almost bought Susan a mustache cup for her morning coffee.  We just call ‘em like we see ‘em) While you’re there, you should have them hit your forearms with the thinning shears – ’cause damn.  Don’t believe us Susan?  Take a look at that picture of you on the beach from your vacation to Bradenton last year.  Your bikini bottom is stretched to its limit. It looks like a neon green garbage bag full of pubic mane.  Seriously, it looks like its fucking moving.

In addition to all the other gifts we’ve gotten you on your special day Susan, we have enclosed a box of kleenex.  For some reason, you seem to always have a cold.  Remember Kelly, the girl who quit three months ago because of “personal problems”?  Did you ever wonder why they never filled her office?  It’s because her “personal problems” were that she went nuts listening to you suck mucus back into your cavernous head for eight hours a day.  We feel stupid saying this because you’re in your thirties – but blow your fucking nose Susan.  Jesus!  The only thing worse than listening to you snort all day like some sort of pig on methamphetamines is when you don’t have the mental capacity to deal with your runny nose and all the snot gets caked in your mustache. In short, Susan, you’re gross.

Finally, we deal with a lot of smells here on mockable.org.  It’s not something that’s intentional…it just sort of comes with the territory.  Having said that, the smell emitting from your desk, Susan, is like nothing we’ve ever encountered.  It’s like a mix between bad breath, body odor, unwashed clothes, feet, a little bit of butt and Pert Plus.  We are relatively sure that the only way to deal with this is for you to voluntarily jump into the vat of acid that Batman knocked Jack Napier into.  It’s going to be painful, but I think it will help everyone in the long run…and there’s no way the fall could make you any stupider.

Someone asked for a health update – and since I’m in a considerable amount of trouble at work and school, and can’t really be funny at the moment, I’ll try to quickly oblige.  The official diagnosis was sarcoidosis – which is a kinda rare disease that manifests itself predominantly in dark-skinned Mediterranean people and me.  Nobody knows what causes it and there are generally three ways to make it go away – do nothing, steroids or surgery.  My pulmonologist went with steroids.

I’ve been on them since last December and here are the three things I know about steriods:

1) I’ve gained 25 pounds – I can no longer put on my socks without holding my breath.  My pants are holding on for dear life and my body has taken on a new, decidedly undesirable shape.

2) My face is all puffy and I’m getting zits.  I look like an actor in a fat suit.  Think Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. What?  Shut up – that movie kicks ass.

3) Every day is a challenge to keep from murdering someone with a ball point pen. They walk into the office and say, “Good morning, sir.”  And for no discernible reason, my mental response is, “FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!!  I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!”    The same goes for all of my other interactions in life.  If you guys knew what I did for a living, and all the stressful situations that come with the job – you’d be amazed that I’m not on death row right now.  Seriously,  I nearly slaughtered a youth soccer team for allowing an ugly little girl to play on their team.  Goddamn that little girl was ugly!  I’m getting used to it, and I’m getting better…but Jeebus!  This world would be a better place if most of you were dead.

So anyway, I take drugs and go in for a $2500 CAT scan every three months.  Then the doctor says nothing’s changed and I have to bite my lip to keep from killing him with my bare hands.  But hey – At least it’s not penis cancer, right?

Unless for some reason you guys really care, this will probably the last you hear on the subject.