11 Things You Shouldn’t Heat Up In the Work Microwave
- Onions/garlic A microwave oven vibrates the stink of pungent food, and can send it wriggling into other peoples’ clothing. It is especially inconsiderate to propel onion or garlic funk directly into the fabric of an innocent person’s dress shirt.
- Fish Will transform your break room, your workplace sanctuary, into something akin to a 25 ft x 25 ft August horseback-ride vagina.
- Feta cheese Will similarly cause your co-workers to believe they’ve been transported inside a pair of Fourth of July picnic touch-football Fruit of the Looms: trapped between cotton and a scrotal wall.
- Dead raccoon The fur has a lot of oil in it, and will create a mess. Dead raccoon fur is very difficult to extract from the workings of a microwave turntable. Living raccoons, however, can make for a toothsome afternoon treat.
- Human head Human gums tend to splatter and pop when heated. The one exception is Dutch gums, for reasons that remain unclear.
- Gallon of paint If you ever find yourself at the office needing to bring a gallon of house paint to a boil in a hurry, we recommend that you NOT use a microwave. If at all possible, boil your paint on a stovetop or outdoor grill.
- Artillery shell Depending on the caliber, an overheated (burnt) shell can take out the whole fucking accounting department. If you must heat-up an artillery shell, it is best to first cover it with an open napkin.
- Block of plutonium Admittedly this hasn’t been tested, but we’re prepared to go out on a limb with a warning.
- Tractor trailer tire You might be able to get away with this one, if it’s off the rim. But a fully mounted tractor trailer tire inside a microwave has ruined more than one workday. Our advice: don’t do it, don’t cook tires at work.
- Full pineapple Pineapples are sharp in every direction, and a constant explosion risk. If one goes off it’ll send hundreds of needles, razor blades, Chinese stars, etc. flying across the break room. What started as preparation for a relaxing lunch, could turn into a nightmarish, unspeakable bloodbath.
- Active beehive All it’ll take is one bee to catch fire, and you’ll have a “situation” on your hands. God help you if the queen should happen to go up in flames; they’ll probably just find a skeleton.
These are only eleven items from the top of our list. But what about your list? What other things should never be heated-up in the work microwave? Please use the comments section to share your knowledge.