A Dangerous Justification
“People are going to buy this stuff anyway. Why shouldn’t they buy it from friends and let them profit instead of some giant heartless corporation?” Makeup, books, candles, bizarre kitchen appliances, baskets and even erotic lubricants are sold this way. One of your “friends” invites you over for a “party”. Once you get there, you’re fed shitty hors d’oeuvres from Sam’s Club and forced to make small talk with a bunch of other suckers who know the host in one way or another.
The host then breaks out samples of whatever product they’re hawking and they ask you to buy stuff in the name of friendship. If you put up any kind of fight (by politely asking that they stop pimping you out to the Pampered Chef corporation, for example) they say, “You’re going to buy this stuff anyway. Why shouldn’t you buy it from a friend like me and help my family rather than buy it from some giant heartless corporation?”
This is, in my opinion, one of the lamest rationalizations that I’ve ever heard. Are you manufacturing the goods in your basement? Maybe you travel to faraway countries and buy the product from a pygmy tribe or some shit and export it back to the states? Oh, wait…you fill out a form and send it to some order picker in some warehouse that’s owned by a giant heartless corporation. They mark up the price accordingly to cover your “commission” and everybody wins right?
Yeah, everyone except the “friend” whose good faith and desire to hang out with people that have common interests has tricked them into the reluctant purchase of a triangular-shaped bread knife. Let me say it one time for the cheap seats – NO, I DO NOT HAVE PLANS NOW, NOR WILL I HAVE PLANS IN THE FUTURE TO BUY AN ACAI BERRY SCENTED CANDLE. HOWEVER, I WILL PROBABLY END UP BUYING IT FROM YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE A DOUCHENOZZLE THAT’S WILLING TO EXPLOIT OUR FRIENDSHIP FOR YOUR OWN FINANCIAL GAIN AND MY WIFE’S TOO NICE TO CALL YOU ON IT. I LIKE SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED WITH HER, SO NOW I OWN A FUCKING ACAI BERRY SCENTED CANDLE. EVEN IF I BOUGHT IT FROM YOU I AM NOT AVOIDING THE LARGE HEARTLESS CORPORATION. IN FACT, I AM PAYING MORE TO COVER YOUR COMMISSION. YOU SUCK.
I do not come to the table without solutions. I know how to fix this. Instead of making everyone feel uncomfortable around you and/or causing them to dive behind crappy corporate art in an attempt to avoid your makeup selling ass, why don’t you “candle party” people just have a kegger instead? I have never understood why people stop having keggers after college is over. More than once I have purchased a keg, charged a fistfull of dollars to my friends for access to the booze, had a great freaking time and made rent before the keg ran dry.
Next time you’re at a “party” eating bad Wal-Mart meatballs, checking your watch and wondering when your wife’s “friend” from work is going to stop brandishing oddly-shaped knives at you – picture the friend upside down, the accountants across the table from you hold her legs up and gravity causes her shirt to fall up under her arms, exposing her black bra. Everyone counts in unison as she fires beer straight down her throat. Everyone cheers as the guys finally put her down and the foamy goodness runs down her chin onto her shirt.
Now honestly – doesn’t that sound more fun? On behalf of your “friends” I beg you to quit the “party-based marketing”. Let’s just have a grown up kegger instead.