An Open Letter to Former President Jimmy Carter
Dear President Carter,
I know you’re a very busy man, building flimsy houses and flossing those big Mr. Eds and whatnot, but I’m hoping you can help me out with something here.
Our dog Andy, a border collie, is entangled in an ugly and ongoing dispute with the neighborhood bunnies. He chases them, barks and bullies, and puts his snout straight down the front doors of their homes. Oh, it’s an ugly display…
It’s been suggested that Andy is, in fact, a bunnist. I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt before throwing around such inflammatory terms. But, admittedly, his actions invite those kinds of words.
Of course, if Andy could talk (and not just make a series of noises with his mouth and throat) he’d tell you there are two sides to the story.
He’d point out that he’s a herding animal, bred to be especially territorial. And the bunny community, knowing this, are being provocative in their actions. It’s one thing to occasionally enter the no-fly zone, but quite another to set up a full-blown bunny village underneath the shrubs in front of our house.
Andy would argue that he’s no bunnist, he’s merely protecting the sovereignty of his “nation.” If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything with a faggoty little cotton tail, he’d say.
I have observed this conflict close-up and can sympathize with both sides, Mr. Carter.
Andy is certainly ferocious, and probably guilty of using excessive force. But the bunnies are unnecessarily provocative, in my estimation. They enter our dog’s domain at will, and inflame him by bouncing across the front lawn with impunity. Knowing that Andy is limited in his response by international law (a latched screen door), the bunnies seem to mock him in their incessant twitching, and lying around like fur-bags of aggravation.
I’m aware the bunnies were here first, that Andy’s only been ruling this plot of land since late 2001. But our dog is the current undisputed ruler, and enjoys certain rights.
So, you can see the mess we have on our hands, sir. And I was hoping you might find a day or two in your busy schedule to travel to Scranton, and mediate the dispute? It would be a distinct honor.
I’m not sure how much time would be required for such talks, but there is a Day’s Inn down the street. I’d be willing to go in halfs on it with you. Or, if you prefer, we have a couch that folds-out into a bed in the family room. It used to have an irritating bar across the middle of it, but I think it was collapsed by an obese uncle several years ago, so you should be good.
We’re looking forward to your response, Mr. President. I have full confidence that, with your expert help, we’ll be able to build a bridge of tolerance and understanding between Andy and the bunnies.
mockable dot org