An Open Letter to Senator Barbara Boxer
I write to you today to ask you to step up and be a leader in the fight against the pornographic video industry. According to some website I looked at for a second, $3,075.64 is being spent every second on pornography. According to the same poorly designed website, 13.3 billion is spent on porn in the United States alone. I ask you, Senator Boxer – Is there anything that can be done to regulate this out-of-control porn train before it rockets uncontrollably into the tunnel that is the moral fabric of our society?
The good and decent people in this country deserve to have leaders who will stand up and fight for the needs and values of their constituents. Sadly, I have little confidence that you and your peers in the United States Senate will be willing to act on our behalf. Especially considering the fact that the state of California alone receives around $36 million in annual taxes from the porn industry, I very highly doubt that you will be willing to take on “big porn” – you’ll probably even give Bridget the Midget a free pass.
One time I saw this video where two guys were stacking boxes in a warehouse and doing inventory when Bridget went by on roller skates while wearing a wedding dress and eating what appeared to be a watermelon Dum-Dum. One warehouse worker tells the other that he has just seen a pixie or something and the other worker says that this was too weird for him and left. Shortly after this we cut to a scene where Bridget is performing a most unhygienic sex act on the first worker with the wedding dress around her ankles. Not only was the tape that I witnessed sinful, but the production value was terrible and the plot made absolutely no sense. Don’t even get me started about the OSHA violations that are inherent to wrapping a cheap wedding dress around an otherwise naked little person on roller skates. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!
Further, when I am consuming pornography from your state, I like to pretend that I am the one laying poolside and pleasing the attractive, well endowed strangers I picked up at the mall. I can’t do that if the cameras are fixed on the bare backside of some low-rent Fabio with bad tattoos. I want to pretend that I am hung like some large and gifted mammal and blessed with the stamina of one of those African long-distance runners. I wouldn’t even object to pretending that I was hung like an African long-distance runner and blessed with the stamina of some large and gifted mammal. Either one is a considerable escape from reality. I do not, however, have any desire to fantasize that I am a balding middle-aged guy with unfortunate body hair making a series of high pitched grunts and breathing heavily. Not only does this hit a little too close to home (all we’re missing is the quiet sobbing), but it isn’t especially entertaining…it certainly isn’t the escape from reality that your constituents are looking for when they tune in to California pornography, Senator Boxer.
On behalf of those of us across the country who are fighting against the porn industry, I respectfully request that you sponsor legislation that requires production companies that produce hard core pornography to offer an alternate “genital-only” version for viewers who are generally grossed out by the sight of naked people. These versions should also be stripped of their audio and replaced with a looping track of the Strokes’ “Under Cover of Darkness.” This will simultaneously keep us from having to listen to dudes orgasm and allow us to enjoy the irony of masturbating while listening to a band called The Strokes. Finally, please tack on a provision that prohibits little actors from being required to perform on roller skates with their wedding dresses around their ankles. I’d really appreciate it.