By Request – A Health Update…and Threats of Bodily Harm
Someone asked for a health update – and since I’m in a considerable amount of trouble at work and school, and can’t really be funny at the moment, I’ll try to quickly oblige. The official diagnosis was sarcoidosis – which is a kinda rare disease that manifests itself predominantly in dark-skinned Mediterranean people and me. Nobody knows what causes it and there are generally three ways to make it go away – do nothing, steroids or surgery. My pulmonologist went with steroids.
I’ve been on them since last December and here are the three things I know about steriods:
1) I’ve gained 25 pounds – I can no longer put on my socks without holding my breath. My pants are holding on for dear life and my body has taken on a new, decidedly undesirable shape.
2) My face is all puffy and I’m getting zits. I look like an actor in a fat suit. Think Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. What? Shut up – that movie kicks ass.
3) Every day is a challenge to keep from murdering someone with a ball point pen. They walk into the office and say, “Good morning, sir.” And for no discernible reason, my mental response is, “FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!” The same goes for all of my other interactions in life. If you guys knew what I did for a living, and all the stressful situations that come with the job – you’d be amazed that I’m not on death row right now. Seriously, I nearly slaughtered a youth soccer team for allowing an ugly little girl to play on their team. Goddamn that little girl was ugly! I’m getting used to it, and I’m getting better…but Jeebus! This world would be a better place if most of you were dead.
So anyway, I take drugs and go in for a $2500 CAT scan every three months. Then the doctor says nothing’s changed and I have to bite my lip to keep from killing him with my bare hands. But hey – At least it’s not penis cancer, right?
Unless for some reason you guys really care, this will probably the last you hear on the subject.