Can We Talk About Personal Lubricants for a Second?
“Well we gotta do something,” said Smith. “After their stupid tupperware campaign, K-Y’s back up over 55% market share. We’re behind the private labels.”
“This wouldn’t have happened if Astroglide was legal in Alabama. Alabama’s the key,” said Wilson.
“Shut up Wilson, Alabama’s your answer to everything. What more can we do Smitty?” Asked Jones. “We’ve tried new flavors, we launched the ‘Astroglide X’ (extreme lubrication!) campaign, we did the ‘Not Just for Black People Anymore’ campaign, we’ve tried sexier new bottles, we’ve given the stuff away, we even tried to get on the ‘green’ thing by pretending to be environmentally friendly…what else is there?”
“That’s exactly our problem. We’re just identifying different bandwagons and trying to jump on. We’ve gotta go back to basics,” said Davis. “Have you seen our commercials? Attractive people embracing while talking about being “ready” when the time comes? I can’t tell if it’s a sexy commercial or a genital herpes spot. Attractive people skydiving and riding bikes? Again, it sends a mixed message – is this a commercial for tampons? We all know that the tampon industry has had the ‘swimming/riding bikes/playing tennis’ market cornered for a generation. I still love the ‘hot girl on a horse spot’ but I think everyone gets it by now that with enough Astroglide, she could totally do that horse.”
Smith raised an eyebrow as he turned and faced Davis, “Yeah, I’m listening…go on.”
“At a basic level, what does a personal lubricant do? It assists people in inserting something slightly larger than average more comfortably into something slightly smaller than average. We believe that Astroglide does that better than Juicy Lube, Vaseline or even the mighty K-Y. So let’s get out there and show people! Let’s mobilize into the concerts, the trade shows and the cruise ships and put slightly bigger stuff into slightly smaller stuff! Let’s push footballs through lawn tractor tires, frat boys through corrugated pipe, pinpong balls through vaginas! The sky’s the limit!” Yelled Davis.
“Ooh, ooh,” yelled Wilson, “We could do a cross marketing campaign with the Ford people and drive a lubed-up Focus through some sort of vagina-esque opening.”
“Now you’re thinkin’, Wilson!” Said Jones.
And with that, Smitty stood up and began to clap slowly. One by one, the men around the table joined him until the room climaxed in applause. Except for Lisa Schubert, who quietly got up and handed Smith the resignation letter that she had been carrying around for months. The truth is, she was just really, really tired of talking about personal lubricants all day.