Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at Mockable dot org have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as field agents.

The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be completely baffling to visitors from other galaxies.

Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget!

While examining the creatures of Earth, it is very common to find them engaging in activities that appear to have been designed to perpetuate their particular species in some way.  In fact, most Earthen animals do little else.  Whether hunting and gathering, storing food, dancing to attract a mate or even engaging in procreative activities, almost all available energy is spent in an effort to do nothing more than make it to the next generation.  Except that dog over there…he’s licking his balls…anyway…

Human beings serve as the most frequent exception to this rule…watching reality television, shopping for handbags, masturbating to youtube videos and sobbing uncontrollably while Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan fall in love for the eighth time do nothing to advance the human species.  In fact, I’m told by other intergalactic life forms that these actions have made humans the laughing stock of the universe.

It appears that a disproportionate amount of this “wasted” time deals with the playing and/or observing and/or evaluating of relatively short periods of physical exertion that are often referred to as “sports”.  Most sports can be identified by the brightly dressed humanoids attempting to deposit some sort of token into a net and/or basket and/or hole while a crowd of largely impotent men scream their support or discouragement of the actions taking place.

Occasionally these “sports” will be played by the juvenile version of the human race while their adult supervisors scream that the vicarious experience provided to them by their offspring is not sufficient.  Finally, one may often encounter individuals that constantly yammer on about the performance of a particular sports player or team, relative to identifiable circumstances.  These people are referred to as “stat nerds” and they are clearly in the worst shape of all the humanoids that rely on “sporting events” to bring them joy. The “stat nerd” has neglected their species-promulgating duties in the name of “sports” so often that the event itself can no longer bring them joy.  They must dissect each and every moment of the sport and force their findings on guys who were just looking for an excuse to drink too much in the middle of the day rather than mow the lawn.  It used to be permissible to shoot the stat geek rather than endure their incessant rambling. Fortunately, the invention of the internet has now given them an outlet that almost makes them tolerable.  Occasionally it is almost cute to watch them naively post their findings to harmlessly disappear into the unread oblivion like so many farts in the wind.

Finally, it is not clear what one has to do for their favorite activity to qualify as a “sport”.  While the general exerting of energy while wearing goofy clothes is a good start, there are no universal rules that will qualify an activity as a sport.  In fact, many daily activities have been translated into multi-billion dollar entertainment.  For example, the following is a picture of one of the greatest “bicyclists” the world has ever known:

Okay, not really.

A little more realistic

Now, for your viewing pleasure, a guy who’s on a bike because he lost his license after driving under the influence one too many times:

I ride competitively!

To sum things up, this reporter has created this handy little scorecard that can be used to determine exactly how fruity and mockable a particular sport is.  Feel free to cut it out and enjoy!

I hope this report proves helpful.   I will be standing in line to get a hot dog in case you should have follow-up questions.   This concludes today’s broadcast by Agent 8675309.

Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at Mockable dot org have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as field agents.

The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be completely baffling to visitors from other galaxies.

Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget!

 Walter E. Disney was the original inspiration behind Tony Montana, the principal character in the 1983 crime drama Scarface.  It has been said that Disney’s willingness to do anything for money and power first attracted Director Brian De Palma to the film.  It was eventually determined that while the principal character’s ruthlessness and anger were a sufficient backdrop for the dark piece, the cartoon characters were a little fruity.

Say hello to my little friends...there's Happy and Grumpy and...

Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at Mockable dot org have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as field agents.

The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be completely baffling to visitors from other galaxies.

Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget!

As I am sure you are aware, the “television” is a flickering box of moving pictures that humans stare at in an effort to pass the time between birth and death.  While even the most primitive civilizations throughout the history of the universe have mastered the device known as “the television”, the planet Earth seems to be the only one that has proven stupid enough to develop the “reality” genre of television programs. 

 The “reality” formula is simple and easy to duplicate.  First,  a producer chooses a “skill” at random.  These skills include  (but are not limited to) singing karaoke, dancing pathetically for nickels at the end of your career, shameless whoredom (literal or figurative), being a fatass and cooking.  The producer then chooses a group of ”contestants” based on the available combinations that create the greatest amount of conflict (or occasionally greatest cup size) and arranges for them to “perform” this “skill” in front of cameras and occasionally “judges”.  The “judges” then do something unpleasant to cause the “contestants” to leave the “show” one at a time.  The removal of the contestants is always described with some unnecessarily violent verb including (but not limited to): ”eliminate” or “fire” or “fuckin’ throw off a building” or “chop” or “vote off the island” or  “gang rape with a kitchen broom”. 

This removal allows for that feeling of “conflict” within the very gullible that most humans used to require in their scripted television. Incidentally, the “Jedi Mind Trick” and “Billy Mays” were created for these same sad humanoids. 

The witless watchers of these programs inevitably find themselves caught up in the carefully crafted “personalities” of the “contestants” and continue to tune in their television sets weekly to see if “their” “contestant” is the one to get “gang raped with a kitchen broom”.  Amazingly, the viewers are such suckers that they continue to watch the program even after “their” “contestant” has been ”fired” so that they can make sure that “the asshole” doesn’t “win”. 

Occasionally the “stars” of the shows become so popular with the humanoid rubes that they are allowed to continue within the “reality television circuit” and appear on several of these “shows”.  The mere fact that the phrase “reality telvision circuit” exists on the planet should stand among the greatest sources of embarrassment for the human race. 

It is hoped that the millions of chumps that assist in the perpetuation of the reality television scam will one day recognize the ruse of showing them the same goddamned show over and over again and stop watching.  This agent hopes that it happens within his lifetime…goddamnit.

I hope this report proves helpful.  As always, I will be standing in the cornfield every Thursday at midnight, in case you should have follow-up questions.   This concludes today’s broadcast by Agent 8675309.

Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at Mockable dot org have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as field agents. The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be completely baffling to visitors from other galaxies. Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget!

Wooo! Yes, I am a pirate, thanks for asking. Wooo!

A desire for an advanced education is quite common among the human race.  After successfully completing an eighteen year instructional period, humanoids often undertake an extended educational effort.  This period of at least four years is generally spent upside-down, drinking from a shiny metal cylinder.  This period can also be identified by general irresponsibility, promiscuity, oversized smiles and the frequent screaming of the word, “Wooo!”

Some humanoids complete the aformentioned educational period and undertake efforts of reproduction, often with a mate that they chose during the previous period – based on his or her ability to drink from the cylinder longer than other potential mates.   Others immediately surrender themselves to a lifetime of slavery within thin walls constructed of molded plastic, a bit of metal and inexpensive carpet.  A surprisingly large portion of the population choose both slavery and reproduction.  This practice often causes a phenomenon that network television refers to as “clinical depression”.

A tiny percent voluntarily choose a fate worse than reproduction and slavery combined.  These individuals are referred to as “grad students” and can generally be identified by out-of-style emo glasses, unfortunate facial hair and long-winded editorials containing the word “zeitgeist” or “ham-fisted”.  The grad student is incapable of admitting that any attempt at art or expression is worthwhile and are known to engage each other in finding the most humorous method of tearing down a particular work.  This is ironic, of course, because the grad student is also incapable of admitting that the putdowns themselves are creative or original, rendering the exercise academic.  Coincidentally,  academic appears to be an appropriate adjective to describe their entire unfortunate existance.

It is difficult for your humble agents to determine exactly why these individuals would voluntarily choose such a lifestyle, as most of the humanoids currently studying this phenomenon are grad students themselves.  Upon examining their general demeanor and actions in public, this agent can only speculate that they do these things in a futile attempt to gain some kind of acceptance from their parental units who either drank too much or loved their brother more than them.  When this effort fails to garner the intended result, the grad student is often reduced to taking their anger out on the internet via community weblogs. This action generally causes them to feel better for a bit, but it will never equal the hug from Daddy that they’ll never, ever realize.

Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at Mockable dot org have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as field agents.

The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be completely baffling to visitors from other galaxies.

Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget!

Golf is a game many male humans start playing because they believe it will lead to a better job.

Most don’t actually enjoy the sport in the early stages (as evidenced by the cursing, throwing of clubs, uncontrollable sobbing, and drinking of alcohol in quantities usually reserved for members of various world navies and Senate subcommittees), but feel it’s a good way to get in good with the boss.

See also: ass-sucking, butt-snorkeling, crack-snacking, sphincter-spelunking.

Over time, however, the game seems to have curious addictive properties, which can infect and consume a man.  Much like your tribbles.  An otherwise healthy human male can be transformed into a crushing bore within a matter of months via the golf virus, rendering him all but intolerable to everyone except other golfers.

Common signs of infection include, but aren’t limited to, the seemingly non-stop talk of course conditions, clubs with loft, and the “short game.”  My research has revealed that whenever a human subject is heard uttering the phrase, “How ya hitting ‘em these days?” it is prudent to get the hell out of there.  Because what follows is almost guaranteed to be excruciating.

Often, victims’ wardrobes begin to change as well, as the sickness progresses.  In advanced stages golfers will sometimes revert to wearing knit shirts in outlandish colors and patterns, with two or three unnecessary buttons at the neck, to all events, informal or otherwise.  No other style of shirt is ever seen again.

In more tragic cases, citrus-colored slacks may appear.

Female golfers are not exactly rare, but exist in far fewer numbers.  Much like their male counterparts, however, most women golfers exhibit a preference for the female vagina sex organ.