Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

Oh Susan of Bagdad, AZ.  Poor Susan of Bagdad, AZ.  Stupid, stupid Susan of Bagdad, AZ.  How in the world did you get this job? It’s really simple Susan.  You take the purchase order, you code it to the number written on the goddamned purchase order and you print a check.  Then you send the check to Chuck.  Let me repeat – read number, type number, print check, check to Chuck.  Yet somehow you add zeroes to the check and code it to R&D.  We nearly had to talk Simone in R&D down off a ledge when last quarter’s budget figures came out because she was led to believe that 6000% of her budget had been expended on cleaning supplies. Please tell me – did you even look at the check you cut?  Did you honestly believe that housekeeping needed 3.2 million dollars worth of floor cleaner?  I guess this doesn’t say much for Chuck either as he signed the check and let it go out…but shit lady – if you can’t figure out a check, how the hell did you successfully apply, interview for and then drive to this job every morning without smashing into buildings and blowing up your car?  I honestly think that the floor cleaner itself would have had a better chance of successfully filling out its own purchase order than you would of actually doing it right for once.

We all know what must have happened.  Chuck hired you because you’re such an attractive young lady, right?  Maybe Susan’s just a little eye candy to show off for the clients like Karl down in sales?  Yeah, probably not unless Chuck has some sort of hair fetish.  Seriously woman – in addition to this mock, we all chipped in and got you a gift certificate to Great Clips.  Please do us a favor and have them wax that shit.  It looks like you ate some sort of woodland creature, vomited it back up and then somehow affixed it to your upper lip.  This story seems most plausible to us considering your world-class halitosis.  (ed. – I know what you guys are thinking – these mocks used to be fun, but now they’re just mean…well pardon us, your majesty!  This lady’s face is so hairy we almost bought Susan a mustache cup for her morning coffee.  We just call ‘em like we see ‘em) While you’re there, you should have them hit your forearms with the thinning shears – ’cause damn.  Don’t believe us Susan?  Take a look at that picture of you on the beach from your vacation to Bradenton last year.  Your bikini bottom is stretched to its limit. It looks like a neon green garbage bag full of pubic mane.  Seriously, it looks like its fucking moving.

In addition to all the other gifts we’ve gotten you on your special day Susan, we have enclosed a box of kleenex.  For some reason, you seem to always have a cold.  Remember Kelly, the girl who quit three months ago because of “personal problems”?  Did you ever wonder why they never filled her office?  It’s because her “personal problems” were that she went nuts listening to you suck mucus back into your cavernous head for eight hours a day.  We feel stupid saying this because you’re in your thirties – but blow your fucking nose Susan.  Jesus!  The only thing worse than listening to you snort all day like some sort of pig on methamphetamines is when you don’t have the mental capacity to deal with your runny nose and all the snot gets caked in your mustache. In short, Susan, you’re gross.

Finally, we deal with a lot of smells here on mockable.org.  It’s not something that’s intentional…it just sort of comes with the territory.  Having said that, the smell emitting from your desk, Susan, is like nothing we’ve ever encountered.  It’s like a mix between bad breath, body odor, unwashed clothes, feet, a little bit of butt and Pert Plus.  We are relatively sure that the only way to deal with this is for you to voluntarily jump into the vat of acid that Batman knocked Jack Napier into.  It’s going to be painful, but I think it will help everyone in the long run…and there’s no way the fall could make you any stupider.

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

 Charlene X. Rose of Naperville, IL!  Guess what?  You’re today’s winner!  Come on down and we’ll talk for a little bit about all the shit that’s wrong with you. 

When I first looked at this picture, I thought that it was some sort of cheesy, stock photo of a business woman.  Then I looked into your eyes.  I can see the crazy.  I can see the insecurity that caused you to blame yourself when you found out Steven was cheating on you.  Wait, maybe that’s just a general look of insecurity…Well anyway, in case you didn’t know, Steven is cheating on you, you should blame yourself.  I can see the nervousness.  I bet a loud fart would send you diving under the desk.  Oh, and I can tell you’re not really on the phone.  What kind of disingenuous shitbag pretends like they’re on the phone for the company directory picture?

Charlene – you don’t have fibromyalgia.  No one does.  So shut up.  We don’t care about new fibromyalgia research or drugs.  We have no interest in discussing your fatigue and “general aches and pains”. We do care, however, that everybody else has to do your stupid job when you call in twice a freakin’ week because your “symptoms” are acting up.  Your job is to answer the phone and shuffle paper, if you can sit at home and play World of Warcraft…and then blog about World of Warcraft in the voice of your character (yes, we know about the blog)…and then post podcasts about World of Warcraft in the voice of your character (yes, we know about the podcast and no, you’re not a good actor) then you can certainly come answer the phone and shuffle papers, asshole.

Do you believe, Charlene, that the flatus of a 100 pound woman is somehow undetectable? Because, wow!  We are scared to go anywhere near your work area.  We went into your office during one of your many “fibro days” to steal some stamps and the entire room smelled of stale vegan farts.  I know you were mad when we opened the window and let your shit blow all over, but it was a public service, believe you me sister! 

The good news is that we know exactly what foods to run away from if we want to avoid having the ‘vegan gas of death’ because you constantly subject us to condescending rants about what you eat and instruct us that if we’d eat the same things, we’d be happy and healthy like you…you know, the bitch that calls in sick on Monday and Friday and fills the building with ‘veggie crap vapors’ from Tuesday through Thursday…the bitch who is always either judging people or complaining that she is being unfairly judged…the bitch who is so addicted to a fake world filled with weirdos who masturbate to hentai that she invented a disease so she could stay home and hang out with them more often…the bitch with the crazy, crazy eyes who is talking on the phone to no one.

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

Excuse me, Saundra Bovill of Rimini, MT?  Is it possible that at some point around 9 years ago we were at a bar together?  If so, would it then be possible that I got so drunk that I blacked out for at least two days, during which time you tricked me into having relations with you that included all procedures necessary to produce a child? I know it seems unlikely, especially considering the amount of alcohol that would be necessary for me to get with anyone who is capable of wearing that brown pantsuit and maintain a straight face throughout the day (you look like a sergeant in Willy Wonka’s army), but it’s the only explanation I can think of.  I must be the kid’s father.  Why else would you come in here every morning and show me a new picture on your cell phone of your daughter completing some inane task?  “Here’s Hannah doing the dishes!  Here’s Hannah at the zoo.  Here’s Hannah on Christmas morning – look at that – she put the bow on her head!” Look – I’m almost positive I am nothing more than an innocent victim here, but I’ll gladly pay some child support or something if you’ll promise to stop with the circadian multi-media report of Hannah’s actions from the previous day.  Softball?  Don’t give a fuck.  Dance recital?  Shove it up your ass, Saundra…

Also, I was curious, do you know of any place that sells chloroform over the counter?  See, I have this dream of getting through the Monday morning staff meeting without hearing someone say, “It is what it is.”  It recently occurred to me that the only way that I might realize this dream would be sneak up behind you with a chloroform-soaked rag and cover your mouth and nose until you lose consciousness.  Oh wow, now that I think about it, this would also prevent your thin, malformed lips from releasing other horrible cliches and bad sports analogies. You could just sit there unconscious in your ridiculous brown getup with your head on your desk, not bothering anyone.  Management shouldn’t mind, considering there will be no change in your work output.

I think the only downside to this solution would be that I’d have to see the most mockable part of your absurd hairstyle as I walk past your desk on the way to the copy machine.  I mean, the crazy 1980′s poofball bangs would be smashed into the desk and out of sight, so that’s good.  Unfortunately, the mousse-or-gel-or-whatever spikes that you put in the back of your head would be standing straight up and be prominently featured.  Dear God I wish someone would tell me why some women think that spikes in the back of their head is attractive. I guess the chloroform’s no good…Hey, Saundra do you know of a place that sells racquetballs and duct tape?

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

Congratulations Alan Langley of Muskogee, OK!  You’re today’s winner!  You’re an annoying, perpetually confused fucktard who is completely and totally mockable.  Please, sit back and enjoy!

Okay first, foremost and of greatest importance – WASH YOUR BALLS! I’m a little embarrassed to even type this, Alan, but you walk around the office all day smelling like balls.  I don’t know what you do to your balls to make them so pungent, but there’s just no denying it.  Remember Scot the temp from last week?  I asked him to take a file to your desk and he said, “Which one’s Alan?”  I responded, “The confused old man who smells like balls.”  Guess what Alan?  He walked a straight line to your desk without asking another question.

Alan, it’s 2009.  I can’t believe I have to tell you to stop sending all those goddamned forwards.  No one (outside this office anyway) has any plans to throw gasoline-soaked rags-of-fire into your car while you sit at a stoplight and masturbate to Art Bell. No one wants to hear about the time God himself came down from the heavens and pulled little Johnny out of the well or whatever.  And nobody gives two fucks about your politics Alan.  Do you honestly believe that someone is going to run home one night and tell their spouse that they have altered their entire belief structure based on the ramblings of a confused, ball-smelling old man who forwarded them a latently rascist email? 

For those of you reading at home, here’s a sample of Alan’s handiwork:

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: ” Barocky Road.”  Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop. When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.  You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream. Are you stimulated?

 Listen Alan, don’t get me wrong here – we’re the website that happily posted this little piece. But as a political message and call to action, your latest email is about as functional as my nipples.  As a humor piece, it’s tired and hackneyed at best.  It doesn’t even contain any real criticism of the guy – just a bunch of standard “democrats-are-spend-crazy-Nazis” stuff and your dumb ass wishing our President would make more references to his half-whitedness. 

The point here, Alan, is that people who are in the market for emails that they can send to everyone in their goddamned address book whether they like it or not should be set on fire…and judging  by the frequency and content of your forwards, you’re standing in a lake of gasoline, my ball-smelling friend.

Finally, we need you to create a new social group.  You can call it, “motherfuckers-who-drive-around-all-day-taking-inventory-of-local-gas-prices-and-then-run-into-the-office-yelling-’You’d-better-get-over-to-the-Shell-Station!-Everyone-else-has-gone-up-a-penny-but-they-haven’t-changed-yet!’” That way you guys can go find a room somewhere to talk about it and stop bothering the rest of us.

My car has a 22 gallon tank, Alan..that’s twenty-two cents.  Why are you fucking giving me tips on how to save twenty-two cents?  Do you intend to enlighten me to the world of “coupons” after lunch? Do you also plan to extol the virtues of “clearance events” in the parking lot after work?  Besides, if I did give a shit about the price of gas, there are 9 different websites and an app on my phone that could give me the answer without filling my office with the smell of vinegar, old cheese and whatever that shit is in your beard.

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

Good morning, Alexis Green of Fishkill, NY – Please have a seat…we have a few things we need to discuss.

Please listen carefully.  Wayne Newton is the greatest songwriter of all time.  It is hereby conceded.  Wayne fucking Newton is great.  Further, we understand what a wonderful time you had in Las Vegas recently.  We are fondly picturing you in our mind’s eye as you listen to Mr. Newton eek out a set while attempting not to vomit on you and the other pathetic middle-aged housewives who happened to be jerking arythmically to the music as only suburban white people can.  I trust that this is the last time we will need to discuss this issue.

We would also like to take an opportunity to respectfully request that you run any new slang past your grandchildren before you attempt to use it around the office.  Just because you thought you heard it on Dancing with America’s Biggest Losers or whatever stupid reality show you watch when you go home to your sad little existence doesn’t mean that you have a green light to run around telling people to “Get on, girl!”  We’re not necessarily the epitome of hip either, but we’re pretty sure that such a phrase is only useful only at the pony ranch and certain circles of the porn industry.  You know what – do us a favor and don’t use any new words…you’re an embarrassment to old people.

We are terribly sorry that he divorced you for being 1) annoying and 2) old.  No one should have to endure the pain of being cast aside for a much younger woman who doesn’t scrunch her face up like a catcher’s mitt every time she’s hit with a ray of sun.  We also understand that it is somewhat natural for a woman to use such an event to revisit and perhaps recapture her youth.  We saw Thelma and Louise (because some girl made us) and we get what’s going on here.  We were just kind of hoping that you could engage in these activites…you know…away from the office and…maybe…on your own time.  To put it bluntly – when you wear that tank top thing, we can see the tops of your breasts.  They look…well…Have you ever taken a load of old towels out of the dryer and then crammed them into a basket and then accidentally left the basket unattended for a few days?  They look like that – kind of off-white, really wrinkly and sort of jammed into inappropriate places. 

We had hoped to cover a few other topics like your son’s alcoholism, our official refusal to call you “Alex” and the notion that women should, in fact, wear deodorant.  Unfortunately, we spent the last 20 minutes staring at the red highlights you recently added to your already mockable hairstyle and we just feel too bad to continue.  So sad…so pathetic.  How did Thelma and Louise end again?

Mockers for Hire is a professional mocking service provided by mockable.org.  Just paypal us $49.95, give us a mailing address and a description of the person you want mocked and we’ll mock the living shit out of them. (400 word minimum)   We might even berate and verbally abuse them for no additional charge.  What can we say…we love our job. We’ll also provide you a framed print of the mock to leave on their desk while they’re at break.  It beats the hell out of that pathetic, passive-aggressive piece-of-shit note you were going to leave on their chair.   Seriously…college ruled?  The Dollar Store frame and HP color graphics will really show that you care – and the professional mocking will prove to that sexual harrassing sonofabitch that you mean business.  Mockers for Hire – giving people  shit who may or may not deserve it since 2009…Give us a try!

Hey Brad Reynolds! Yeah you, Brad Reynolds of Royse City, TX.  You’re up…dick. 

Let’s start from the top -You look like the gay Danny Masterson on steroids.  Your hair appears as though an Irish Water Spaniel fucked a mop and it released an especially ugly birth onto your head.  The glasses help to quickly identify you as the type of pervert that spends as much time as possible looking down Natalie in finance’s shirt. And your head is fucking square.  I mean so square that it’s almost one dimensional.  It looks like someone drew a square, put a smug fucking look on its face, inserted Richard Simmons’ hair plugs and made it constantly talk about mixed martial arts. 

Speaking of mixed martial arts, Brad, what part is your favorite?  The strategy?  The skill and dedication required to be successful at the sport?  Or is it the part where two shirtless guys lay on the floor…one on top of the other…sweating and passionately swinging their arms while a crowd of drunken rednecks scream and cheer themselves into a homoerotic frenzy?  Yeah, I was pretty sure it was that last one.

…And yes, you cocky sack of crap – we know you lift weights.  Good for you, you should be proud…now shut up.  Oh, and could you do us a favor?  Could you spend the morning outside? Do you honestly believe that nobody knows that you’re the one releasing SBD’s all over the place after eating 14 egg whites before lifting in the morning?  You’re a big, cocky, smelly, square-headed douche Brad.  Oh, and by the way, your new wife is hot…but she’s stupid…and she’s not getting any younger.

Oh, and when you talk to people, for the love of God  – stop going uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh in the middle of people’s sentences like some sort of crazed stuttering mental patient.  Wait until they are done talking or at least until there is an appropriate pause in their speech.  Just saying uh-huh over and over again like an over-muscled chimpanzee on crack is really, really annoying. 

Finally Brad, the only thing you should ever say to a woman who is pregnant or has recently given birth is ‘congratulations’.  The ‘baby fat’ comment should have ended in an ass kicking.  And I would have done it too, if it weren’t for all the weightlifting and mixed martial arts.  So I got you this Mockable instead.  Enjoy it you misogynist mop-headed jackass…then die in a fire.