Caveboy Monday:Learning to Fly but I Ain’t Got Wings
For some odd reason I have kept track of all the airports I have flown into in my life. The list currently stands at 43. If I have learned one thing it is there needs to be separate airports for folks that fly regularly on business and those that take to the skies once every seven years, or God forbid you run into “This is my first time flying.”
Now don’t get me wrong I have seen some cool airports that have interesting things to see. But for the most part once you’ve been in one airport you’ve been in every airport ever built.
There should be traffic cops inside the airport to keep the flow of people moving at an efficient pace, but until that happens here are a few basic rules:
- When the folks at the security checkpoint tell you to remove your jacket before entering the metal detector that also includes sweaters you fucking moron.
- Don’t freak out when they ask to search your bag. That is unless you got something in there that you shouldn’t. Then by all means freak out. I’ve always wanted to see nine cops draw down on someone and watch that person soil themselves. It’ll make a good traveling story for years to come.
- Once your shit has cleared the X-ray machine, pick it up and move on. Don’t try to put your shoes, jacket, belt etc back on at the end of the line.
- Don’t stand in the middle of the concourse walkway looking around like the whole situation is just too overwhelming. Move to the side or you’re liable to get hit like a wide receiver running a slant route over the middle.
- If you are walking in the middle of the aisle, you better walk like your fucking life depends on it. This ain’t the botanical gardens at Disney, it ain’t a tour of the Louvre. I got four minutes to get to my gate if I don’t want to spend another night in Minneapolis, in January, no thanks. This especially applies to the moving sidewalks. If you are on the side marked “WALK” fuckin walk, dickhead.
- Look at the size of your luggage. Just because it has wheels doesn’t make it a carry on. My pickup truck has wheels, but you don’t see me trying to pass it off as a carry on. You think you got it made until you try to bring that fuckin rollin steamer trunk on the plane and the flight attendant says “Sir you’ll have to gate check that”. Great, now make everybody wait on the jetway with minus 20 degree air whipping up my pant legs. They should put your big honkin bag in your seat and make you fly in the luggage compartment. Stupid fuck.
- When you’re walking out of a newsstand, bookstore, etc. treat it like you are pulling onto a busy street in you car. Look both ways before you blindly saunter into traffic. Believe it or not there are about a gozillion people in that very same building as you and they all have some place to go.
- Don’t try to eat a 12 inch meatball sub while walking. That is unless you think that marinara sauce accents your shoes.
- Don’t carry on a conversation with Aunt Sadie while walking down the concourse. It slows you down and you already slower than smoke off of cold shit. Get to your gate with all due haste then sit down and talk.
- Don’t bitch that a bottle of pop costs $3.75. You’re in an airport. It’s like beer at a golf course. They got you by the short hairs, shut up and pay it and get out of the way.
- Don’t tell me you air travel woes as we sit at the gate. Short of being involved in a crash there ain’t much I haven’t lived through when it comes to flying commercial airlines. Now if you want to talk about a good book that you have read or something interesting that’s different.
- This one’s for the ladies. Please, please, please go easy on the ode de perfume prior to boarding the plane. You may think it smells good, but with 5 hours from Seattle to Minneapolis it tends to get a little close.
Just remember this, when you enter the airport you are no longer an individual, you are as The Borg put it “part of the collective.” None of your fellow travelers, and very few of the people that work there give one tiny turdlet about you. You are on your own. If you are traveling in a group there is some safety in numbers, but remember this, if one person in your group fucks up that means everybody is fucked. So think carefully about who you travel with.
If you follow these simple guidelines it will reduce the statistical probability that you will piss off a total stranger the next time you fly.
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