Friday Guest Mock: An Open Letter to Bobby Joe Dodds
This week’s installment of our Guest Mock series is another piece from Brown Walker of Half of the Truth and discusses a most deserving individual that has mysteriously escaped our wrath thus far. Thanks man – we appreciate your helping us stay “comprehensive.”
And now for the cruel, cruel mockery….
Good day, Bobby Joe Dodds. Sit still and take your mocking.
First off, let me congratulate you, Bobby, on finally making an honest woman out of Debbie. You started dating her when she was 16 and working as a check out clerk at the grocery store and you were 23 and, well, were hanging out at the grocery store. After seven years of dating, a combined 147 pounds of weight gain (most of it on your side) and four children, it was probably time to tie the knot.
Speaking of children, you might consider investing in some condoms or a vasectomy or maybe just hitting yourself in the testicles repeatedly with a hammer, because the last thing the world needs is more of your offspring. Besides, you clearly don’t even like your kids as evidenced by your favorite piece of parental advice: “Git the fuck outta here, I’m watchin’ NASCAR.” Why don’t you do the world, yourself and especially Debbie a favor and find a way to not have any more kids.
Speaking of NASCAR, please stop pretending that your 1997 Monte Carlo SuperSport with the tinted windows and the ‘No Fear’ sticker across the top of the windshield is in the middle of a race every time you are on the roads. You drive like a complete moron and you are going to get someone killed. Your idol, Dale Earnhart, is dead after crashing head first into a wall – you are on your way to the same fate. Also, your habit of glaring at other drivers through your wrap-around Oakley sunglasses while stopped at stoplights and revving your engine is surely just overcompensation for latent homosexuality.
Speaking of latent homosexuality, you do realize that wrestling (your third favorite thing in the world behind NASCAR and your mullet) consists of well-muscled men in tights greasing themselves up and then pretending to fight while rolling around on the floor with each other, right? And by the way, your buddy Todd knows that you are only getting up to get another Coors in the middle of Monday Night Raw in order to hide your erection – and he doesn’t mind in the least.
Speaking of Coors, it’s not pronounced coo-wers. Also, the cops aren’t targeting you, Target isn’t discriminating against you, no one remembers (or cares) how you performed in high school football, just because you and some buddies got drunk while you strummed a guitar doesn’t mean you were in a band, Elvis really is dead, threatening the President really will get you arrested and Robert E. Lee actually did surrender, he’s not just waiting on supplies.
If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site. And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya. Thanks!