Friday Guest Mock: Duh-Lie-Luuuuuh!
This week’s installment of our Guest Mock series comes courtesy of the lovely and talented T. Farty McAppleass, who is obviously going to Hell.
On with the mocking:
I don’t know if you get this where you’re at, I’m sure you do. There’s a whispery-voiced cunt named “Delilah” that hijacks several stations here each night. She takes calls from sappy crackpots and they allow her to dedicate a song. Here’s how it usually goes:
DELILAH: “Hello Candy this is Delilah. What’s on your heart?”
IDIOT CANDY: “Well, I just want to say that September 11 means a lot to me. I was married just two years before. My husband was driving his truck through Ohio on September 11, which is dangerously close to New York, so I was very worried. Just before sunset he called me and said, “Hello Big Mama, This is Ass Grabber, Come back.” I cried and cried. So I just wonder if you can play me a song. A song for me and Dale. He was (hundreds of miles) away at the time, and for all I knew he was dead.”
DELILAH: Oh yes. Who hasn’t been there? I have the perfect song for you. God Bless. And keep on truckin.
Then she plays a song by “Brian Adams” damn near every time. I’ve said this several times, and I’ll say it again, Brian Adams is an ass and I can’t wait for him to die. One of God’s great gifts to earth was to make it so that all men eventually die. Thank you God that this asshole will someday be gone. In fact each day when I wake I pray:
Please let this be the day that you destroy all mankind. But if not, please let this be the day that William Shatner dies. And if not, please rid us of Brian Adams. But if not, AT LEAST see to it that Delilah dies a painful and undignified death. Your will be done. Amen.”
I guess he’s allowing Shatner and Adams and Delilah to live because yall are some wicked motherfuckers. Or maybe I need to pray harder.
If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com If it’s funny, won’t get us sued and isn’t any dirtier than what you just read, we’ll most likely feature it at the site. And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya. Thanks! – metten