Friday Guest Mock: The Future
This week’s installment of our Guest Mock series is being handled by Taiwan On.
If you didn’t visit his site, subscribe to his feed, etc. last time…you’re clearly a dick. Do us a favor and knock it off. Anyway, thanks Taiwan On!
And now for the cruel, cruel mockery….
Future, you suck.
Look, if you are going to get us all excited, but then let us down like the sequel to CaddyShack, then just give it a rest. When I was a yungun in the sixties, the future was golden. We were already inventing magical things like the self cleaning oven, the hydromatic transmission, PF Flyers, and AM/FM radios. In no time flat we would be able to see through women’s clothing with X-ray vision.
But then you happened. Let me explain.
Personal transportation. Am I flying around in my personal jet car? No, I am not. I am driving around, on the ground, in a Japanese minicar. Sure, I can make the wiper blades move at several different speeds, but that is not really the same thing now, is it?
Public transportation. The trains go faster, but they are still trains. The airplanes go faster, but they are still airplanes. With cramped seats, lousy service, and surly TSA employees who make you take your shoes off. Where is the transporter that whisks me instantly to the destination of my choice?
Personal communication. Actually, Future, you did pretty good with this one. Cell phone technology is already pretty good, and there seems to be no stopping you on this one. Call it a draw.
Spaceships. No warp drive. No hyper-space jumps. Nothing cool whatsoever. We still keep putting astronauts in souped-up roman candles and launching them hurtling into space with our fingers crossed. And don’t give me any Space Station crap. JFK could have done that in the sixties if he thought it would be good press.
Guns. We don’t have phasers. Why don’t we have phasers yet? I mean, with a phaser, you could decide to stun someone, kill someone, or vaporize someone, all with the twist of the wrist. What are all these DOD dorks doing with the kega-jillions of dollars that we give them? We need phasers. Well, I guess need is a strong word, but I just think it would be cool.
Television. No holographic depictions of CSI: Pittsburgh. Nuff’ said.
Computers. Ya know, Future, you could have at least told us they were coming. In any event, the computers that we buy now at the WalMart are light years ahead of the contraptions that were cobbled together back in the day. But I still can’t talk to my computer and ask it to contact the home office to fix my personal communicator which decided to only allow out-going calls. Nope, I gotta do that myself. What’s the use?
Footwear. The sneaks that are available now are pretty awesome compared to the sixties, but none of them let me jump over a house.
The kitchen. Once the focus of Futurama, now just the same crap but covered in brushed stainless steel. Or whatever. I guess the microwave counts as a step in the right direction. Future, I’ll give you half a point for that.
Food. We went from crappy tin plate dinners that you could put in the oven to crappy plastic plate dinners that you can put in the microwave. I deduct your half point. That doesn’t mean, however, that I can’t partake from time to time. You know, busy schedule, etc.
Robots. Don’t even get me started.
I could go on, but you get my point. Future, you have fucked the dog. Please get your act together and get me some personal transportation that has built in phasers.
Thanks. I’ll have my people call your people.
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