Friday Guest Mock: This Mockable Contains 100% of Your Daily Recommended Fiber
Hey guys. This one’s from a gentleman named John – and it’s pretty freakin’ funny if I don’t say so myself. Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you try your hand at a guest mock too? Or if you haven’t written one in a while, why not write another one? We’d really appreciate it and your friends will undoubtedly be impressed that you’re affiliated with such a classy site. You can send it to mockable (at) gmail dot com. Then we’ll post it (unless it’s about gay nazi sex (and it’s not funny (I have no problem posting stories about hilarious gay nazi sex))) and it will get read by dozens of hundreds of thousands of people. Is there a downside? I think not. On with the mockin’:
I’m here to tell you of the incredible joys and devastating lows of fiber supplements into your diet. I know that this is a truly riveting subject for you all so I will go ahead and jump right into it. I’m approaching 40 which is to say I’m really starting to feel old and I hurt a lot. But a lot of that also has to do with the fact that I am a rotund masterpiece. I’ve mentioned my fat-assedness before in an article about Taco Bell’s Chili Cheese Burritos . Well, this combination of getting older and supreme weight has led me to add a fiber supplement to my diet. When I say diet, I don’t mean it like I should be meaning it, as if to say I’m watching my intake and counting calories. I’m meaning like a nature show would refer to a hyena’s “diet”:
“They hyena eats 4 times its body weight on any given day and this diet consists of a dead zebra, and occasional tourist and whatever garbage was left behind by said tourist. There isn’t much this creature will not eat.”
I mentioned age earlier. I’ve reached the age that I stop and take notice of the Metamucil coupon, while I’m, well…clipping coupons. That’s something I would not have done 10 years ago. Also, at this age, I’m no longer embarrassed to hand a bottle of fiber to the hot, hopefully legal checkout girl at the drug store. I work with people half my age who see me as old, so I have to think that she sees me the same way and there’s no sense putting on airs. May as well hand her a tube of Preparation H as well, won’t make a difference.
So, let’s get to the good things of a fiber supplemented “diet.” First a significant savings on turlet paper. I hardly need it any longer. Ever see a deer take a shit? Well, there you go. They don’t need turlet paper because they create a tight, little pile of poo-pebbles. It’s such a satisfying achievement for a man of my size. Also, regularity is never a problem. You can set your clock by it. I’m usually morning after wake up and evening after dinner. Kinda like Old Faithful, just going the wrong way and really horrid. There’s no false alarms either. When it’s time, you know it and had better take heed. Deed is done and then you can resume your life. None of this reading 3 chapters just to find out it wasn’t meant to be.
Let’s talk about the disadvantages of a fiber supplemented “diet.” A lot of these can be seen as similar to the above mentioned “advantages.” First, yeah, they are tight and compact, but man, it’s like passing a pine cone at times. That’s not fun. The body’s natural release mechanism should never result with a tear running down your face. Also, you know when it’s time, but that time may not always be the most convenient. I’ve had to stop what I’m doing at Walmart, when ironically, I’m looking at their brand of fiber, to rush to the facilities. Trust me, last thing I want to do is use a Walmart restroom in that manner. You know the general population at that store. That has got to be one FILTHY turlet seat. Also, this eagerness of my bowels to release themselves seems to be directly related to my desire to get things accomplished. It’s almost like my body is trying to say, “Hey man, just take a load off. The grass can wait, don’t worry about the trash.” Being Mr. Hefty doesn’t do much for my willingness to be productive. So, I’m already fighting against my brain. I don’t need my ass dictating when or if I get something done around the house.
I’ll leave you with a quick story that was the inspiration for this work of literature. I’ve been beating myself up about my weight and my lack of activity here lately, so I set my mind to get up early this morning for a walk. I got up at 4:30 and set out. Things were going good, I was hobbling along at a good pace with these creaky knees. About 15 minutes from my house, “the urge” hit. And it hit hard. Now I am in a quiet, sleeping neighborhood, pounding the asphalt, feeling pretty happy with myself about getting up at this un-Godly hour doing an even more un-Godly activity. I’m getting the endorphins flowing and feeling good just like that head shrinker told me 10 years ago would happen if I’d just get up and get off my ass. Then nature reared its ugly head and put a stop to all this frivolity. I had to stop in my tracks and squeeze tight. Oh great, what do I do? I’m not that far from the house, but still I have to walk back and walking doesn’t feel like much of an option at this point. I decide that I have to get a move on. These are essentially my neighbors and they will be waking soon. So, I start struggling back home doing a full-on penguin-walk, pausing every now and then to ensure that the package doesn’t slip. It was a panic moment for me. I was starting to weigh my options. Should I just shit myself and do the walk of shame while neighborhood dogs start running after me wanting in on the action? Or maybe I could duck in one of these dark yards with lots of tree cover, make my deposit and risk exposure and/or arrest? I was honestly beginning to think that one of these WOULD be happening. It was a horrifying ordeal, but fortunately I made it to the throne, cold chills and all.
So, the moral to the story is to really think hard if you decide to climb into bed with fiber supplements. She’s a bitch-goddess that can be oh, so sweet one moment, but will turn around and stab you in the balls the next. Weigh your options young man. Take it from an old voice of experience.
Again, if you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]gmail.com If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site. And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya. Thanks! – metten