Grown Men Who Use Cologne Have Some Explaining To Do

2009 March 30
by mockers

pink_bowWhen I was a fifteen years old, or so, an aunt gave me a semi-expensive bottle of cologne for Christmas.  I’d never considered such a thing, but it seemed grown-up and sophisticated, so I started using it.

And almost immediately I knew it wasn’t for me…

The smell would get stuck in my nose hairs, and lodge there.  And no matter how many showers I took, it seemed like I could still smell it.  It was powerful and astringent, and once the stank was released from its bottle, there was seemingly no getting away from it.

So, after only three or four days, my cologne career was over.  I didn’t even want to touch the container, to move it to the garbage can.  I was certain the stench had had enough time to work its way through solid glass.

Eventually I came to the conclusion I wanted to smell like nothing.  It’s the only logical course, I believe.  Bad is bad, and so is “good.”  Nothing is best, and that’s what I shoot for.

It’s not too difficult to achieve, either.  A little soap and water every morning, with some extra emphasis to the areas with hair, and you’re pretty much done.  It’s a system that’s served me well.

And over time I’ve started to wonder about grown men who continued using cologne…  The early “new smells” years are confusing and scary, so a certain amount of thrashing around can be excused.  But when you’re forty or fifty, and still slathering-on that crap, you’ve got to start asking a few questions.

I mean, it’s not exactly manly, is it?  They try to butch it up by saying splashing on some cologne, but there’s no splashing.  We all know the truth: it’s daintily dabbed.  And I’m sorry, dabbing, daintily or otherwise, has definite poofter undertones.

If I couldn’t start the day without touching both sides of my neck with a perfumed finger, I think I’d just go off somewhere and have myself a long cry.

I know what some of you are thinking…  I don’t know what I’m talking about; I just haven’t experienced a good quality, expensive cologne yet.  My aunt probably gave me some cheap garbage from Revco, so overpowering it could take varnish off a door.

And that might possibly be true, but would it make the situation any better to know I’m spending loads of money on the stuff?  That I’m a male connoisseur of fragrances?  I don’t think so.  Any man who falls into such a category, I believe, should just go ahead and sew a tiny pink bow to the waistband of his underwear.

Yeah, it’s either the tiny bow scenario, or I assume the dude has some kind of chronic stink problem, and will start radiating wave after wave of pit-funk once he gets going.  And the cologne is a desperate attempt to mask his natural atmosphere of bleu cheese, fried onions, and farts.

Or perhaps there’s a simpler explanation for latter day cologne-use?  Maybe the guy is from New Jersey, and that’s all there is to it?

In any case, I think I’ll just stick with my “nothing” plan, thank you very much.  My short-lived cologne career ended many years ago.  And I don’t need any assholes jumping to wild conclusions about me.

19 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 March 30
    Lauren permalink

    I’m surrounded by teenage boys every day. In fact, as I write this there are nine of them clustered on one side of my classroom. The smell of AXE (various scents) is overwhelming and nauseating. I’ve asked them why they feel the need to drench themselves in the stuff, and they tell me it’s because the girls like it. I simply can’t understand it.

    Men are most attractive when they simply smell clean. My personal preference is for Lever 2000, but just about any soap will do the trick – hopefully.

  2. 2009 March 30

    Amen sister! I occasionally speak at junior high school career days and the scent of AXE that permiates the hallways and classrooms is almost as effective as knock-out gas!

  3. 2009 March 30
    Greg permalink

    I’m with you on the “smelling like nothing” thing. All my morning chemicals are scent-free (deodorant, hair spray, soap, etc). Walking around, “stenching” is like being followed by someone you’d rather not be near.

  4. 2009 March 30

    I refer to the smell of Axe my son drenches himself in as “Faux Fart” because it is unbelievable nasty! I’d prefer the smell of an egg salad sandwich passing through the lower extremities than the overpowering smell of Axe!

  5. 2009 March 30
    Mrs. L. Bangs permalink

    Today was written by Kay. was pretty sure until I hit “Poofter” and then I KNEW.

  6. 2009 March 30
    Ray permalink

    Absolutely right.
    Cologne is for fags.

  7. 2009 March 30

    I’m not a fan of that AXE crap, either.

    I work in construction. The men in my office work hard, and generally smell like it. It doesn’t bother me, as anyone working in a framed in house sans electric during 117F weather DESERVES to smell a little bit.

  8. 2009 March 30
    Nezrite permalink

    Yep, it’s a Kay Day 😉

    My husband and I used to own an internet gaming center and we got some sort of great deal on AXE to sell to the gamers. We had to have a display of the stuff, and their ridiculously sexist posters hung around my shop, to get a deal on some music or software or something. I was so happy when someone stole all the sample AXE out of the bathroom. I forbade the testing of said crap in my shop.

    On the other hand, I’m a big fan of a nicely scented man…

  9. 2009 March 30

    (JK wrote this, right?)

    I don’t mind some colognes on men. Mr. kenju used to wear Canoe when we were dating, because I gave it to him. That one I really like! I don’t know the smell of Axe, but it sounds as if that’s a good thing.

  10. 2009 March 31
    kristin permalink

    i’m with ya – no colognes for guys, no perfumes for chicks. nauseating, all of it. the stuff was for when people didn’t take baths. we have showers now people!

  11. 2009 March 31
    Joe permalink

    The Nivea commercials are all over this smelly crap….it is horrible..i prefer to go with just a clean smell…nothing else

  12. 2009 April 6
    UpNort permalink

    I have no issues with men wearing cologne or after shave or not wearing it. Some of it’s very sexy smelling.

    I have a big issue with the nasty flowery perfume women feel the need to drench themselves in.

  13. 2009 June 25

    I’ll confess, I am regular at wearing some sort of fragrance, usually after shave and sometimes cologne and I do buy some high end stuff when I can get a good deal. I do come across extremely stinky people and for them it really does not matter whether to wear a fragrance or not. If you are a meat eater and you perspire, you will smell like doggy poo to a vegetarian. I think if someone is not 100% sure that they are odor neutral, they should wear some sort of subtle fragrance. Most comments on this board are about Axe…must be trailer trash night?

    I started wearing cologne when I rode motorcycles in heavy traffic with heavy fumes and my lady passengers always appreciated it. I don’t perspire much unless playing sports and I do smoke. I have always been complimented on how I smell (by women) or how I don’t smell like an ashtray. For those who think using scented soap seems clean, you really need to go out to an evening black tie…you will smell like you just came from the toilet after taking a nasty dump. A lot of times you wear stuff because you pick up smells during the normal course if the day.. Not because
    you don’t shower. Sometimes i have accidently put on too much and like a girl in my office said “what did you do? Drown in cologne?”…yes…that Is to be avoided. Now the fact that she was a classy broad made her ask “what is that? It is pretty nice” makes me think that I that my morning rush splash on was excessive. But anyway…for work etc if you are odorless, great; if you stink, drink more water and eat more veggies; if you just want to smell nice..select something carefully and apply even more carefully…trust me, even the white trash will appreciate.

    For evenings, please do wear something, because nobody wants to smell your food or your beer when they are talking to you. My rule is that wear enough for a 2 foot radius around you…no more. And please don’t listen to this idiot about tying pink bows to your underwear coz that is just childish. It is like saying French is a crappy language because so few people use it anymore. Use cologne and ask your friends and family to make sure you are using something good and not too much. Remember, eventually do what YOU think is right…as far as this website goes “where ignorance is bliss, it is folly to be wise”

  14. 2013 May 6
    Sj guy permalink

    There are plenty of manly men who are gay, wearing cologne is not an indicator. Hell just recently that basketball player came out. And if you think all gays are pink bow wearing. Pedicure getting poofters maybe you need to get out more because they are everywhere including the NFL. Maybe you should be less ignorant.

  15. 2013 November 6
    Sebastian permalink

    He didn’t say it meant you are gay, he said it’s not manly, and it’s not. I always wear deodorant and I never stink, so no, you don’t need any cologne. On the other hand I know plenty of guys that often smell like piss and are wearing cologne, I assume they don’t shower often and think spraying some strong ”good smelling” crap is enough. Also there are manly fags but I don’t consider any straight/gay wearing cologne that manly. Putting on some good smelling water isn’t exactly the most manly think ever, if anything it sound characteristically girly to me, like putting on make up.

  16. 2014 January 13

    Why do you have to be less manly for wearing something that smells good. And its a wwat not a need. And smelling like nothing is decent but I rather get complimenta for wearing some good ass cologne lol. And for those who drown themsleves im it, just use 2 or 3 squirts please, we already notice you have it on

  17. 2014 January 13

    And also just say that you dont think its manly. Dont just plain out and say in just not manly at all.

  18. 2014 August 22
    Lance permalink

    A few thoughts:

    Most of the complaints have come about Axe. Comparing Axe body spray to a nice cologne is a joke. Axe costs 3 dollars at walmart and smells like it. Because of its inexpensive cost and accessibility it has become a teenage favorite and teenagers have no idea how to apply an appropriate amount. So yes it does leave Jr. High’s with a very unpleasant aroma. With that said, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not correlate this with the effect of wearing a nice cologne.

    Taking the time to choose an enjoyable scent of high end cologne and learning to apply it correctly will do two things;

    1. It will increase your confidence. It’s very simple, when you smell good, you feel good. You should wear only enough to silently and pleasantly announce your presence to someone as you approach them.

    2. It assists in making a good impression in the appropriate environments. A first date, a business meeting, a dinner party, these are a few examples of occasions where wearing cologne is more than appropriate. It is an indicator that you have put in a little extra effort to be prepared for the night.

    I will admit that cologne isn’t for everyone, which apparently is the case we have here, but to say that it’s not manly is laughable. If anything the post written here shows that the author simply has a very biased opinion that makes him look fairly unsophisticated.

  19. 2015 February 25
    Harry permalink

    This writing is dumb.

    Only one proof needed:

    ” I mean, it’s not exactly manly, is it? They try to butch it up by saying splashing on some cologne, but there’s no splashing. We all know the truth: it’s daintily dabbed. And I’m sorry, dabbing, daintily or otherwise, has definite poofter undertones.”

    And:

    “And I don’t need any assholes jumping to wild conclusions about me.”

    Personally I don’t think there is need to respond to such a text. because the writer is an asshole jumping into wild conclusions.

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