Grown Men Who Use Cologne Have Some Explaining To Do
When I was a fifteen years old, or so, an aunt gave me a semi-expensive bottle of cologne for Christmas. I’d never considered such a thing, but it seemed grown-up and sophisticated, so I started using it.
And almost immediately I knew it wasn’t for me…
The smell would get stuck in my nose hairs, and lodge there. And no matter how many showers I took, it seemed like I could still smell it. It was powerful and astringent, and once the stank was released from its bottle, there was seemingly no getting away from it.
So, after only three or four days, my cologne career was over. I didn’t even want to touch the container, to move it to the garbage can. I was certain the stench had had enough time to work its way through solid glass.
Eventually I came to the conclusion I wanted to smell like nothing. It’s the only logical course, I believe. Bad is bad, and so is “good.” Nothing is best, and that’s what I shoot for.
It’s not too difficult to achieve, either. A little soap and water every morning, with some extra emphasis to the areas with hair, and you’re pretty much done. It’s a system that’s served me well.
And over time I’ve started to wonder about grown men who continued using cologne… The early “new smells” years are confusing and scary, so a certain amount of thrashing around can be excused. But when you’re forty or fifty, and still slathering-on that crap, you’ve got to start asking a few questions.
I mean, it’s not exactly manly, is it? They try to butch it up by saying splashing on some cologne, but there’s no splashing. We all know the truth: it’s daintily dabbed. And I’m sorry, dabbing, daintily or otherwise, has definite poofter undertones.
If I couldn’t start the day without touching both sides of my neck with a perfumed finger, I think I’d just go off somewhere and have myself a long cry.
I know what some of you are thinking… I don’t know what I’m talking about; I just haven’t experienced a good quality, expensive cologne yet. My aunt probably gave me some cheap garbage from Revco, so overpowering it could take varnish off a door.
And that might possibly be true, but would it make the situation any better to know I’m spending loads of money on the stuff? That I’m a male connoisseur of fragrances? I don’t think so. Any man who falls into such a category, I believe, should just go ahead and sew a tiny pink bow to the waistband of his underwear.
Yeah, it’s either the tiny bow scenario, or I assume the dude has some kind of chronic stink problem, and will start radiating wave after wave of pit-funk once he gets going. And the cologne is a desperate attempt to mask his natural atmosphere of bleu cheese, fried onions, and farts.
Or perhaps there’s a simpler explanation for latter day cologne-use? Maybe the guy is from New Jersey, and that’s all there is to it?
In any case, I think I’ll just stick with my “nothing” plan, thank you very much. My short-lived cologne career ended many years ago. And I don’t need any assholes jumping to wild conclusions about me.