Idiots, Imbeciles and A-Holes Unite!
Yes, I am an A-hole. I think of myself before I think of others. I practice poor hygiene and say things that hurt others’ feelings. I often go outside in the dead of winter and sit on a bench just so I can watch the old people slip and fall on the ice. I am an a-hole, it’s true – but that doesn’t give you the right to choose words out of the dictionary and use them to describe me. Nobody wants to be an a-hole. In fact, a-holism is a genetic predisposition. My mother was an a-hole. My father was an a-hole. His father was an a-hole. We are a family crippled with a-holism. You think this gives you the right to run around town calling everyone you suspect to be an a-hole an a-hole? You miss, are an a-hole! Oh my God! I’ve said it myself! I must be some sort of imbecile!
Excuse, me sir? I couldn’t help but hear you use the word “imbecile”. Perhaps you thought that your words can’t hurt? Maybe the whole “imbecile” thing was “just clean fun” to you? Well, I sir, am an imbecile. That’s correct, I’m a person of the second order in a former classification of mental retardation, above the level of idiocy, having a mental age of seven or eight years and an intelligence quotient of 25 to 50. Further, I also happen to be a dunce and a blockhead as well as a dolt. Do you think I wished to be an imbecile? As though I desire to go through life walking and talking differently than the rest? How dare you use a word that by definition means mental feebleness to describe your moment of mental feebleness – you uncaring, thoughtless idiot?!
I beg your pardon? Did you just call that man an idiot? Well then I’d like to take a moment to publicly berate you in the name of ‘education’ to let you know that some words just aren’t acceptible, mister. You didn’t look around before you said it, did you coward? Well it’s too late now, because here I am. I just happen to be one of those idiots. You got it, bub – I’m a person of the lowest order in a former classification of mental retardation, having a mental age of less than three years old and an intelligence quotient under 25. On top of all that, I’m an utterly foolish or senseless person. Does it make you feel better about yourself to call people idiots? You know we’re out here right? You know it’s not just some word with no meaning…
It was at this point that we decided we had more in common than we thought. Rather than bicker over our petty differences, the a-holes, imbeciles and idiots decided to form a powerful coalition that works to eradicate hateful words from our vernacular. You know, because that’s worked so well in the past. We held fundraisers, called all of our friends and stood outside of movies holding signs for some reason. We’re not just going after the a-, i- and i- words though. We are going to erase every word in the unabridged dictionary that might make anyone feel bad about themselves. We will not rest until words like dumb, mean, jerk, blockhead, bonehead, cretin, dimwit, dumbbel, dunce, fool, ignoramus, kook, moron, nincompoop, nitwit, pinhead, simpleton, stupid, dork, muttonhead, tomfool, twit are no more than unfortunate piece of our ignorant, ignorant past. We can still say ‘unfortunate’ and ‘ignorant’ right?
Join us, will you? Your donation of time and financial support will help to ensure that no one ever has to endure any negative words ever again. In fact, when we’ve finally reached our goal, even the word ‘negative’ will be banned. We’ll all be scholarly princes and princesses from the lollypop happy sunshine world and nothing will ever be bad ever again. If anyone dare says so, we’ll verbally berate them into oblivion for their hurtful hate speech!