Lakr Thursday: Safety Tips from Captain Fransceso Schettino
In the interest of being green, I am recycling some old news.
Some people were born with greatness coursing through their veins, destined to be someone remembered for generations. Then in times of adversity, some people have greatness thrust upon them, as they rise up to the challenge and untapped traits of heroism emerge.
And sadly, there are occasions when people in leadership must courageously reach forth to grab the brass ring of greatness on behalf of others, but instead they fall face first into a rescue boat. Such is the tale of the internationally recognized coward, Francesco Schettino, Captain of the luxury liner Costa Concordia.
We all know the story. Captain Schettino led his ship a little too close to the rocks, where it was subsequently gouged and capsized. And in lieu of going down with his ship, the good Captain “tripped” into a rescue boat (as did other members of his commanding crew…I guess Italians are better known for loafers than topsiders) and left 17 passengers to drown on his sinking ship. Talk about chicken parmagiana…(ba-da-ching!!)
Which is surprising, because when doing some research on the subject, I came across some old video of Public Service Announcements that Captain Schettino did for a small Italian TV station. Ironically, the Captain was dispensing emergency safety tips that people should follow given a few hypothetical disaster situations.
With the help of my friend Giuseppe, I was able to translate and Americanize these PSA’s for the good of the citizens of the United States. Here is a transcript of the PSA’s, which I transcribed in a terrible Italian accent for added realism. Enjoy and be safe!!
EMERGENCY SAFETY TIPS FROM CAPTAIN FRANCESO SCHETTINO
Saluti! I’m Fransceso Schettino of-a the Italian navy with-a an importante safety tip for-a you. If-a you evah in-a hospitale, and-a disgruntled former employee come in-a with an automatic weapon and starts-a shooting up-a the place, here-a what you should do. You find-a what floor-a the nursery is-a on, and then run-a to the nursery. Take-a all-a of the newborns, stack-a them all-a up around you, and-a you make-a baby fort. Cry and make-a the mewling baby noises too, so-a no one knows-a you inside-a the baby fort until-a the shooting is-a over.
Saluti! I’m Fransceso Schettino of-a the Italian navy with-a an importante safety tip for-a you. If-a you evah at a Furr’s Cafeteria in-a Florida when-a they issue-a hurricane warning, and-a you automobile won’t-a start, here’s-a what you do.
You find-a the weakest, most-a frail old lady a-sitting in-a powered wheelchair, and-a you throw her on-a the floor, then-a you steal-a the wheelchair. Now-a remembre, it’s-a most important to find-a the weakest, frailest one, because-a they are-a the least likely to-a maybe hurt you. You might-a want to kick-a her in-a the hip-a few times until it-a breaks to make-a sure she don’t-a come after you.
After you steal-a the wheelchair, you drive it to-a the parking lot, and-a you use-a the battery from it to start-a you car. After you start-a the car, you take-a the battery from-a the wheelchair, and-a you put it in-a you trunk. You do this-a for two reasons: Uno- you might-a need the battery again to start-a you car, and Due- the old-a lady with-a the broken hip, she can’t-a chase after you.
Saluti! I’m Fransceso Schettino of-a the Italian navy with-a an importante safety tip for-a you. If-a you evah in-a the midwest at-a big shopping mall, and there’s-a tora-nado warning, heres-a what you do. Wait until-a everybody get-a inside-a the storm shelter. Then-a you knock on-a the door, and-a say “hey…I was just-a outside, and-a the tora-nado, she went-a back up in-a the clouds.”
Then when-a everybody walks out-a the storm shelter, you run-a inside, and lock-a the door-a behind you. Then you take-a all-a the blankets, and-a make-a nice pallet to take-a nap. Use-a the cotton balls from-a the first aid kit, to-a stuff inside-a you ears to drown out-a all-a the screaming, and-a crying, and-a begging, and-a beating on-a the door. And if there is-a like effa-4 type destructione, you gotta-a plenty of bottled water to take-a towel bath before-a they dig-a you out.
I hope you enjoyed reading these Italian PSA translations as much as I enjoyed translating them for you.
See you next time!! XO-LF