Mockable Classic: The Pros and Cons of Falling Down a Flight of Stairs
Hello, Jeff the Excuse-Maker here… I started writing today’s mock and wasn’t able to finish it in time. So, I’m going to repost this one instead, one of my favorites. I hope you enjoy it, and we’ll be back with FRESH material real soon.
The negatives of falling down a flight of stairs are well-documented. You could break your neck, for instance, and maybe die. Or you might hit your head on the edge of a step, and go full-vegetable. Or you could snap your sternum, blow a lung, or mash a kidney.
And even if you’re lucky enough to escape serious injury, the damage to your home can be significant. If, say, you go cannonballing down the basement steps and your skull gets driven straight through a credenza and section of drywall, you’re looking at several hundreds of dollars in repair costs.
So, on balance, it’s NEVER a good idea to fall down a flight of stairs. However, there are some benefits which rarely get mentioned. By acknowledging the positives, I believe, many experts are afraid they’ll be accused of endorsing the activity.
Of course, that is not our intent. It is our strong opinion that safely navigating stairs, escalators, and ramps is always the most prudent course of action. However, we’re going to go where few will tread, and list some of the pros of falling down a flight of stairs.
‘Cause that’s the way we roll. …Get it?
Lose weight Cascading down a flight of stairs burns approximately five times as many calories as walking the same route. The muscles tend to tighten and flex, in anticipation of the searing pain they know is right around the corner, and the exercise is beneficial.
If the tumbling body happens to take out a length of banister, it could burn as much as ten times the normal number of calories! And that, I’m sure you’ll agree, is significant.
So, theoretically, a person could greatly ratchet-up his or her weight-loss campaign by going to a large government building, or perhaps a lighthouse, and repeatedly hurling their bulk down the stairs.
Move faster A person falling down the steps moves at a higher rate of speed than their upright cousins. They cover more ground, in less time. And time is money!
Indeed, it could be argued that an employee who routinely goes end-over-end down a long flight of stairs is more conscientious and focused on the bottom line than the average worker.
Falling down stairs can be a boost to your career! You might consider it the next time you attend a job interview, or are vying for a promotion. It could very well provide the extra edge you need in today’s highly competitive market.
Organizations are always looking for go-getters! And few things set a person apart from the crowd like stumbling around an office, falling down stairs, and leaving the competition in the dust.
Gain attention Many people are excruciatingly dull. They’re plain-looking, aren’t very witty, and have interests and opinions that are predictable and boring. This is an unfortunate fact.
But the moment they go down a flight of stairs, and blow a hole in the side of their neck (or whatever), they become interesting. Crowds form around them, they’re the absolute center of attention, and the “victim” almost always receives an enormous amount of sympathy.
Depending on the severity of the injuries, this attention can last for several day, or even weeks. For the excruciatingly dull, this can be the most glorious time of their life!
Better dentistry Most insurance companies will not pay for elective procedures. But if you go crashing down a flight of stairs and break all your teeth off at the stumps, you’ll have a new set of chompers in no time.
And at bargain prices, too!
Expand your mind A sharp blow to the head is almost always a negative. But in rare cases it can unlock previously unrealized potential.
Take, for instance, the remarkable case of one Jonas Salk. All his life he’d been a day-laborer, moving from one physically demanding job to the next. He’d picked bananas, painted houses, and sucked cess.
By his own admission he wasn’t the most ambitious person in the world. Years later he would write a memoir of those years, and used one of his favorite phrases from the era as the title: Fuck It.
But one day in 1938 Jonas Salk was walking along reading a newspaper, not paying close attention, and fell down some cellar steps. He hit his head on a cinder block that morning — and went on to cure polio!
This is a rare occurrence, of course, but illustrates the fact that a head injury sustained during a fall down a flight of stairs doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. …Sometimes it can change the world.
So, you see, falling down a flight of stairs isn’t ALL bad. There’s a definite upside to it, which is rarely covered in the media.
Today we’ve only touched on a few examples, and perhaps you can think of more? Use the comments link to tell us how a person could very well benefit from violently crashing down a full flight of stairs.
Not that we’re endorsing it, of course.