I have three daughters.
THREE.
That’s probably more than anyone should be subjected to at any one time.
But you know…when you like to molest your hot husband constantly, you’re going to end up with babies. It’s just going to happen. Especially if you’re as fertile as Kate Gosselin and Nadya Suleman combined, WITHOUT the fertility drugs.
It’s not that I don’t love and adore my daughters. They are precious, precious little angels….
And they are terrifying.
Seriously.
They can be mean and they make me afraid.
For years I wondered if I had done something wrong. You know…I wondered if telling them we were really aliens had somehow tainted them. Or if cutting their hair in bowl cuts and dressing them alike had driven them over the edge.
I was seriously concerned that I’d managed to raise three beautiful psychopaths.
But then I began to watch more TV and spend more time listening to the entire culture of young women, ages 12-30.
They’re ALL evil and scary.
They strut around whipping their heads in a frenzy, proclaiming they’ll “kick some bitch’s ass”. And that’s just the ones who are still in middle school.
Damn.
The ones in high school go so far as to actually fight, clawing at each other with their fake nails and pulling their nose rings out in preparation for the “skanky bitch takedown.”
They punch and kick and try to rip the fake tanner off their faces and cleavage. It reminds me of two drag queens fighting over the same ass pads.
It’s amazing to listen to these girls talk about their ass kicking abilities. To hear them talk you’d think they were the special forces of girls gone wild.
Not only do they talk shit, they dress like they live in a Russian whore house.
Apparently you do your best ass kicking in slutty garb.
Now I’m not saying that ALL of the girls in this age group are bad ass. There are some who aren’t, like the Amish and the Mormons and the mentally challenged. They are in a different group entirely and probably don’t even know who Snooki is.
But the rest of them…they are a force to be reckoned with.
I believe we should recruit the meanest drama queens from every high school and send them to Afghanistan.
Dress them all in Wet Seal and Hollister, adorning them with razor sharp nose, mouth, eyebrow and belly piercing jewlery.
Let’s plant nail files in their big hair to repair broken nails,if necessary, and stab a dude in his junk, should the lacquered claws on their hands fail to inflict pain.
This group of special forces would put Buffy the Vampire slayer to shame.
Hype them all up on Red Bull and tell them the Taliban compound is full of girls who made out with their boyfriends and it’ll be ON.
Umm…I guess we’d have to tell them the girls are disguised as dudes with beards in long dresses but that’d be ok.
Some Taliban members heads would explode from the shrieks of the girls who have to make a speech before they kick your ass. You know, to explain how you’re a bitch and a whore and you shoulda stayed away from their man, complete with the head jerking motion.
The girls who take action immediately would be all over those Taliban dudes in a frenzy of sharp nails with Hello Kitty painted on the tips. The smell of hairspray and self tanner would make them weak. The girls would strike, punctuating each smack with “BITCH!”. As the Taliban laying dying, their last vision would be of the girls walking away, their pink asses proclaiming “Cheerleader” and “Hottie” written in bold glittery letters.
I’m not really certain why our government hasn’t already thought of this brilliant idea but I’m guessing it’s because they don’t get on Facebook or watch MTV. Reality shows are a great source of information on this group, as well as Maury, but this wealth of information seems to escape the military recruiters.
Ahhh…well.
Of course there is a catch.
You need to make sure to get these priceless weapons before they mature enough to realize how pathetic they are. That drains all the anger and confidence right outta their little drama filled hearts.
When they begin to realize that flashing their titties and whining like sirens will get them nowhere in life and they’re digging for loose change to buy a pack of smokes, they become calmer.
They take out their nose ring and throw out their slut clothes.
They get jobs or go to college and you can speak to them without fear.
It happened to a couple of mine and now they’re not nearly as scary as they used to be.
Or maybe the Zoloft helps me to not be afraid anymore.
Who knows?
Even if that is the case, as long at the Taliban isn’t on Zoloft we could wipe them out with our army of Barbies.
Or we could just send the female cast of Jersey Shore…
God I’m smart.
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