People Who Back Into Parking Spaces Can Kiss My Ass
A few days ago I was driving through a grocery store parking lot, when my forward progress was interrupted and I was forced to sit and wait for yet another shitpouch to back his car into a parking space. I’m not sure if I fully understand why this bothers me so much, but I have a few theories…
First of all, I believe there’s a lot of theatrics involved – hick theatrics. It’s not absolute, there are exceptions to the rule, but I’ve noticed that many of the backwards parkers are tinged in hick. You know, people in Member’s Only jackets, with a well-known brand loyalty to a particular motor oil, and that sort of thing?
It seems to be a matter of pride among this demographic to go into a parking spot backwards, like they’re making a heroic statement of some sort. But that’s where I get stumped. Why is it something to be proud of? How does it make you more of a badass?
I’ve pondered this question for a long time, and can’t come up with a satisfactory answer. Sometimes when I’m home alone I even stand in front of a mirror, and say, “I back into parking spaces…” in a menacing growl. But it just makes me look like an idiot.
Other groups that seem to believe backwards parking is a defining triumph include old men, exotic foreigners, the morbidly obese, douche nozzles, and standard blowhard assholes. Again, I have no idea why.
Over the years I’ve asked people why they go in butt-first, and have never received a decent answer. Most make a joke out of it, and say, “So I can make a quick getaway!”
And that just pisses me off. As a joke it’s lame, and as an explanation it’s nonsensical. Make a quick getaway? From where, Red Robin? Michael’s yarn store? Sam’s Club? What a hero!
The other stock answer is some kind of muddled treatise about safety. They apparently believe it’s safer to back in than to back out.
But seriously… If a person views the backing of a car from a parking space outside a retail store as simply too risky, maybe they shouldn’t be driving at all. Perhaps they should just stay home and play Sudoku, tend to the teapot, and watch “the Wheel?”
Oh, wait! Teapots get hot and can be dangerous, can’t they? That might be even more terrifying than putting a car in REVERSE, and traveling at 1 mph. So strike that.
No, I think it all goes back to my original point, regardless of the phony explanations offered. I believe it’s rooted in theatrics. I think backwards-parkers are putting on a show of some sort, just showing off. They believe it makes them seem nonconformist, jaunty, and to be marching to a different drummer.
You know, like people who are defined by their hatred of a popular TV show, or who tell everyone about their love of fast food pickles.
It’s all very confusing, as well as infuriating. Because backing into a space takes a lot more time than backing out of one. Oh, I haven’t timed it with a stopwatch, but I know it to be true. Backing-in is a big arrogant production, and interrupts our forward progress. It’s an inconvenience to the rest of us, and is both selfish and idiotic.
So yeah, the people who back into parking spaces can go ahead and start kissing my ass. But be sure to wear safety goggles, because you never know when something might go wrong.