People Who Back Into Parking Spaces Can Kiss My Ass
A few days ago I was driving through a grocery store parking lot, when my forward progress was interrupted and I was forced to sit and wait for yet another shitpouch to back his car into a parking space. I’m not sure if I fully understand why this bothers me so much, but I have a few theories…
First of all, I believe there’s a lot of theatrics involved – hick theatrics. It’s not absolute, there are exceptions to the rule, but I’ve noticed that many of the backwards parkers are tinged in hick. You know, people in Member’s Only jackets, with a well-known brand loyalty to a particular motor oil, and that sort of thing?
It seems to be a matter of pride among this demographic to go into a parking spot backwards, like they’re making a heroic statement of some sort. But that’s where I get stumped. Why is it something to be proud of? How does it make you more of a badass?
I’ve pondered this question for a long time, and can’t come up with a satisfactory answer. Sometimes when I’m home alone I even stand in front of a mirror, and say, “I back into parking spaces…” in a menacing growl. But it just makes me look like an idiot.
Other groups that seem to believe backwards parking is a defining triumph include old men, exotic foreigners, the morbidly obese, douche nozzles, and standard blowhard assholes. Again, I have no idea why.
Over the years I’ve asked people why they go in butt-first, and have never received a decent answer. Most make a joke out of it, and say, “So I can make a quick getaway!”
And that just pisses me off. As a joke it’s lame, and as an explanation it’s nonsensical. Make a quick getaway? From where, Red Robin? Michael’s yarn store? Sam’s Club? What a hero!
The other stock answer is some kind of muddled treatise about safety. They apparently believe it’s safer to back in than to back out.
But seriously… If a person views the backing of a car from a parking space outside a retail store as simply too risky, maybe they shouldn’t be driving at all. Perhaps they should just stay home and play Sudoku, tend to the teapot, and watch “the Wheel?”
Oh, wait! Teapots get hot and can be dangerous, can’t they? That might be even more terrifying than putting a car in REVERSE, and traveling at 1 mph. So strike that.
No, I think it all goes back to my original point, regardless of the phony explanations offered. I believe it’s rooted in theatrics. I think backwards-parkers are putting on a show of some sort, just showing off. They believe it makes them seem nonconformist, jaunty, and to be marching to a different drummer.
You know, like people who are defined by their hatred of a popular TV show, or who tell everyone about their love of fast food pickles.
It’s all very confusing, as well as infuriating. Because backing into a space takes a lot more time than backing out of one. Oh, I haven’t timed it with a stopwatch, but I know it to be true. Backing-in is a big arrogant production, and interrupts our forward progress. It’s an inconvenience to the rest of us, and is both selfish and idiotic.
So yeah, the people who back into parking spaces can go ahead and start kissing my ass. But be sure to wear safety goggles, because you never know when something might go wrong.
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Cops do this. Endlessly. I can always spot a cop’s POV in any parking lot.
We got a handful here at work that back in. I don’t think they’re hicks but they are definitely DOUCHEBAGS!
The end of the Monty Python Bicycle Repairman sketch would be perfect to go along with this!
Well, you have cleared one thing up for me – thanks! I always just assumed that ALL MEN would park backward if they had the time. I thought it was just a “guy thing.” As my husband and I walk through parking lots, I imagine him glancing about enviously at the car parked backward, thinking, “If I only had had more time…”
The weird thing for me is that I have never seen one of those guys ACTUALLY performing the act… it’s like they arrive 3 hours before everyone else so they can get it just right, and have first pick of the lot. I swear. Never seen it in real time!
Oh, and I know one person who does it… he isn’t a hick, but he is in law enforcement. I agree with you, it is all about the non-conformist, jaunty, different drummer flash.
Show off bastards. When I see one of those maneuvers, I generally smile to myself and think “I’ve got the same permissions you do, asshole, and I can’t even pull in a parking space straight–big whoop.”
Here’s another group of people to add to the list of backer-inners…government workers. I work for my local government, and every single morning get caught in a fucking traffic jam in my parking garage thanks to one fucking person after another backing into parking spots…the bunch of selfish fuckers. If you think about it, government workers totally fit the profile, and yes though I am one, I rise above and pull into a spot like a normal fucking human being every day.
Two words…Jump-Fucking-Start. Not only are the pricks taking up your time, they have no idea what condition their battery is in and…they’ll ask you for a jump-start AND if you have jumper cables. Some AAA tow truck guy told them one time, that’s what they should do from now on…”Always back in…just in case.”
Jeff… As I’ve explained before, it’s for safety. Everyone has those “sheep mobiles” these days (SUV’s for those not in the know) and you can’t see around or through them when you’re backing up. If you’ll take the time to notice, the majority of folks driving through parking lots take it as a speed challenge. They must drive through there as fast as possible, because, after all the World revolves around them. They pay no attention to others around them as they drive carelessly along. With backing in (I prefer the forward “pull-through” method), you’re body isn’t twisted around in an unnatural position. You’re facing forward and able to look both ways quicker than twisting your head around with your body following along.
Does this make sense? Or are you content knowing that one day you may find yourself uttering the words, “That asshole came out of nowhere when I was backing out.”
Another curious thing about the fucksticks who back into parking places, is that they will back into an angled parking place which is angled in a direction that forces them to leave in the opposite direction than is intended. This, of course, creates a traffic hazard. Watch and you will also notice an “I just poo pooed in my pants grin”
Thank you Eugene. As stated, the drive-through spot is always best.
Reason 1: see Eugene’s post, as a defensive driver it is a way of protecting my baby from careless idiots racing through parking lots.
Reason 2: it is better for the transmission, differrential and clutch (if applicable) You are reversing and backing up while the car is warmed up and the tranny/diff fluids are flowing nicely. Cold shifts are hard on the car. Backing in will extend the life of your driveline, especially if you live in a cold climate and will be parked for more than an hour. It may not seem like a big deal but 2-3 cold reverses per day over the life of the car adds up.
Reason 3: it is much faster to nose out of your spot, make eye contact with other drivers and pull into busy parking lot traffic than blindly backing out partway and waiting for things to clear.
p.s. I am not a hick or a cop and have only recently become a government worker, I’ve been backing into parking spots for 20 years. Call me a douche if you want, but I really like my car. I’m just an automobile enthusiast who follows driver etiquette. I bet you folks who always pull in nose first are the same one’s who never signal and who drive constantly in the passing lane on the freeway.
Your an idiot. If your experienced enough as a driver you would realize that backing in is safer and quicker when your good at it. It also, more importantly, shows that your more skilled than an idiot that backs out into traffic. Learn to think outside the box and realize that 99% of people in this world are followers and will die mindless like yourself. I bet you believe dinosaurs never existed and the bible is fact….
This blog is actually one of the more accurate explanations, in my opinion. It’s still lacking the fact that all of these douchebags that back in think that their car is so freakin’ great and it must be displayed for everyone to marvel at from the front.
This type of conspicuous consumer would especially be someone that leases a BMW and has an iPhone.
The people claim safety reasons are full of shit. No one would admit that they’re showing off a car that anyone else is entitled to own.
I have an F350 4 door long bed that I use for work, the crew cab for hauling around workers, and the long bed for hauling building supplies, tools, etc. I ALWAYS back in to places. The truck turns much tighter when in reverse. Try it for yourself. When the turning wheels are the trailing wheels, you are able to turn much tighter (if you ever see a forklift, the pivoting wheels are in the back). Once you learn how to judge space and use your mirrors, backing in is a lot easier to pull in and out of. I didn’t realise so many people got angry at this. But then again, perhaps its because they don’t understand. Just try it, you’ll see why. Much tighter turning radius.
I think you’re making alot of unfair assumptions about back-inners. Drivers for FedEx and UPS are also trained to back in, or go for a pull-through whenever possible. It’s so much more likely to back into someone or something because our heads don’t swivel around like a bird’s, nor do we have our eyes on either side of our heads like they do! I always feel like I’ve scored when I get a “pull-through” because a don’t like backing up in parking lots where so many jerks like to speed down the aisles like it’s a major thoroughfare. As a matter of fact, I’ve been backed into twice in parking lots and backed into someone else once in a parking lot. The only accidents I’ve ever been in. I do avoid backing into spaces so far, because I agree it tends to make one look like a douche-I don’t know why.