The Pros and Cons of Falling Down a Flight of Stairs

2009 July 21
tags: ,
by mockers

falling-down-stairsThe negatives of falling down a flight of stairs are well-documented.  You could break your neck, for instance, and maybe die.  Or you might hit your head on the edge of a step, and go full-vegetable.  Or you could snap your sternum, blow a lung, or mash a kidney.

And even if you’re lucky enough to escape serious injury, the damage to your home can be significant.  If, say, you go cannonballing down the basement steps and your skull gets driven straight through a credenza and section of drywall, you’re looking at several hundreds of dollars in repair costs.

So, on balance, it’s NEVER a good idea to fall down a flight of stairs.  However, there are some benefits which rarely get mentioned.  By acknowledging the positives, I believe, many experts are afraid they’ll be accused of endorsing the activity.

Of course, that is not our intent.  It is our strong opinion that safely navigating stairs, escalators, and ramps is always the most prudent course of action.  However, we’re going to go where few will tread, and list some of the pros of falling down a flight of stairs.

‘Cause that’s the way we roll.  …Get it?

Lose weight Cascading down a flight of stairs burns approximately five times as many calories as walking the same route.  The muscles tend to tighten and flex, in anticipation of the searing pain they know is right around the corner, and the exercise is beneficial.

If the tumbling body happens to take out a length of banister, it could burn as much as ten times the normal number of calories!  And that, I’m sure you’ll agree, is significant.

So, theoretically, a person could greatly ratchet-up his or her weight-loss campaign by going to a large government building, or perhaps a lighthouse, and repeatedly hurling their bulk down the stairs.

Move faster A person falling down the steps moves at a higher rate of speed than their upright cousins.  They cover more ground, in less time.  And time is money!

Indeed, it could be argued that an employee who routinely goes end-over-end down a long flight of stairs is more conscientious and focused on the bottom line than the average worker.

Falling down stairs can be a boost to your career!  You might consider it the next time you attend a job interview, or are vying for a promotion.  It could very well provide the extra edge you need in today’s highly competitive market.

Organizations are always looking for go-getters!  And few things set a person apart from the crowd like stumbling around an office, falling down stairs, and leaving the competition in the dust.

Gain attention Many people are excruciatingly dull.  They’re plain-looking, aren’t very witty, and have interests and opinions that are predictable and boring.  This is an unfortunate fact.

But the moment they go down a flight of stairs, and blow a hole in the side of their neck (or whatever), they become interesting.  Crowds form around them, they’re the absolute center of attention, and the “victim” almost always receives an enormous amount of sympathy.

Depending on the severity of the injuries, this attention can last for several day, or even weeks.  For the excruciatingly dull, this can be the most glorious time of their life!

Better dentistry Most insurance companies will not pay for elective procedures.  But if you go crashing down a flight of stairs and break all your teeth off at the stumps, you’ll have a new set of chompers in no time.

And at bargain prices, too!

Expand your mind A sharp blow to the head is almost always a negative.  But in rare cases it can unlock previously unrealized potential.

Take, for instance, the remarkable case of one Jonas Salk.  All his life he’d been a day-laborer, moving from one physically demanding job to the next.  He’d picked bananas, painted houses, and sucked cess.

By his own admission he wasn’t the most ambitious person in the world.  Years later he would write a memoir of those years, and used one of his favorite phrases from the era as the title:  Fuck It.

But one day in 1938 Jonas Salk was walking along reading a newspaper, not paying close attention, and fell down some cellar steps.  He hit his head on a cinder block that morning — and went on to cure polio!

This is a rare occurrence, of course, but illustrates the fact that a head injury sustained during a fall down a flight of stairs doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.  …Sometimes it can change the world.

So, you see, falling down a flight of stairs isn’t ALL bad.  There’s a definite upside to it, which is rarely covered in the media.

Today we’ve only touched on a few examples, and perhaps you can think of more?  Use the comments link to tell us how a person could very well benefit from violently crashing down a full flight of stairs.

Not that we’re endorsing it, of course.

19 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 July 21

    Did we cover tripping up the stairs, I’ve done that a few times.

  2. 2009 July 21
    OhReally permalink

    Please send this article back in time to 1995. That way I can read it after I fell down the stairs while I was pregnant and broke my back. That way I could have seen all these pros instead of all the shit that went along with that. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.

  3. 2009 July 21

    If you count small sections of stairs, say three or four, then I have fallen down the stairs. Perhaps a full-bore tumble is what I need to set myself straight.

    Also, the Mockable account is still suspended on Twitter, which is mockable in and of itself. If you’re shooting for the recursive mocking, then well done. Otherwise I would suggest a thorough Jeff Kay hair-whipping session to get that solved.

  4. 2009 July 21

    I fell down some stairs a few years ago and split the back of my head open. For about 9 days after the incident I had x-ray vision and could see the future. Also, I lost 2 pounds. This article is legit.

  5. 2009 July 21

    I fell down some stairs while eating a box of donuts. All the donuts were ruined thereby proving that this is also a proactive weight loss solution.

    Well done Mockers

  6. 2009 July 21
    Limey permalink

    I fell down the stairs while carrying a cat. It was a stumble that became a fall, because I had to choose between catching the stumble and crushing the cat or me falling. I fell. Even after saving his life (for the 3rd time) the cat views me with distain.

  7. 2009 July 21

    Limey, cats always land on there feet. Drop the cat…

  8. 2009 July 22
    Limey permalink

    Mr Rod, I threw the cat clear. Choices were:

    throw cat clear and fall down stairs

    or

    catch self and crush cat.

    Cat lives on. I limped for 3 weeks.

  9. 2009 August 8

    This is offensive
    And I mean really offensive
    I broke my right arm by falling off stairs
    Please remove this straight away
    Or I’ll sue the administrator of this website

  10. 2009 December 2
    Hah permalink

    Lol, good luck sueing someone for writing satire, Me. Excellently mocked, Mockable!

  11. 2010 December 6
    elaine permalink

    Oh wow. I really need some sense of humor. I’m in so much pain is not funny. I guess I’m lucky I didn’t break anything.

  12. 2011 February 6
    Doreen permalink

    This gave me a good laugh, which I need at the moment. Fell down the stairs the other night and am wearing a splint at the moment. May have a scaphoid fracture but won’t know until mid-week. My shoulder also hurts! But hey, I don’t have to wash dishes and maybe some people will give up their seat for me on the subway. I should go tumbling again…

  13. 2011 April 10
    shanae permalink

    Having just experienced falling down the stairs, I will add the ones your article made me think of. After watching my legs crumble like wheat shafts and fold under me, I fell and yelled and went to the ER. The morning after is like the day after being in a car accident and you discover every ache and bruise that wasn’t there the day before. I broke an ankle and a toe and pulled all ligaments and tendons in the other ankle and rt. knee. The pro is that I didn’t get a ticket and my car wasn’t damaged. The knee high boots I got on each leg prevent me from moving too quickly and having to wear shoes. The doctor wrote me an excuse from work for a week and now I can recover in peace and quiet. The pain is really bad but not nearly as bad as shattering a pelvis.

  14. 2012 July 5
    Hella Jeff permalink

    I warned you about the stairs bro!!! I told you dawg!!!

  15. 2012 August 8
    Dave Howard permalink

    After falling down the stairs in a train station today in a full custom suit, another benefit is being able to convince my wife it is necessary to purchase custom suits as it did not rip or tear. I on the otherhand look like i was run over by the train.

  16. 2013 February 7
    candy permalink

    Its nice to have a sense of humour I also fell down a set of stairs hurt my back I’m lucky I’m alive but on the brighter side I got some time off work :)

  17. 2013 April 7
    Madison permalink

    i want to fall down stairs cause of the attention. i probably need help but i want to hit my head for some reason falling down stairs

  18. 2013 June 11
    Coco permalink

    I saw on a commercial once that a lady said that her father “fell up and down the stairs”. A roommate of mine once tried to get up the stairs and fell back down. That one is living proof that no one can ever fall up the stairs.

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