10 Ways to Complicate Your Life, and Get Less Done!
2010 January 20
Go keyless. Make a game out of collecting all your household keys; bring your kids into it, and gather every key you own: house, cars, your office at work, the camper and boat, your parents’ vacation home, etc. Then put them all in a sack, and hurl it into the ocean.- Instead of using bulky notebooks or writing pads to keep track of telephone numbers and important information, jot everything down on tiny fortune cookie slips of paper, and store them in random places around the house.
- Set all your clocks to radically different times, and cultivate a “fuck it” mindset.
- Purchase three or four wild prairie horses, and allow them to wander freely throughout your house, condominium, or apartment. When one goes off and kicks out a window, don’t bother to have it repaired.
- Install RandomReformat on your computer, which will completely wipe your hard drive three, four, five (who really knows?) times per year, with no advance warning.
- Instead of making the predictable and boring choice of powering your car’s engine with gasoline, try other fluids such as piss or Diet Snapple.
- Go into the spam folder associated with your email account, and provide detailed personal information to anyone asking for it. Be especially generous with your Social Security number, date of birth, and usernames/passwords.
- Borrow money from a drug dealer, any amount which you have no ability to repay.
- Take your work shirts to a seamstress and ask her to add a different ornately-scripted racial slur above each pocket.
- Call 911 and scream, “Oh my God, no!! Please, noooo!” And when the police arrive, throw a bucket of mop water on them.
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I think the last one would definitely complicate things. But your future cell mate will be very happy.
I have already mastered number 2 – it is an excellent way to get things organized.
How about ‘befriend a sociopathic kleptomanic’? That sounds like it might have potential.
I’d like to pick a toilet and use it several times a day and never flush it. I bet it would take a week or more to fill up.
I borrow drugs from drug dealers in any amount I want…gettin’ money is easy. The hell?
Jason, it’s even more fun when on alternate sit downs you “top shelf” that toilet.