11 Things You Shouldn’t Heat Up In the Work Microwave
2009 September 30
Onions/garlic A microwave oven vibrates the stink of pungent food, and can send it wriggling into other peoples’ clothing. It is especially inconsiderate to propel onion or garlic funk directly into the fabric of an innocent person’s dress shirt.- Fish Will transform your break room, your workplace sanctuary, into something akin to a 25 ft x 25 ft August horseback-ride vagina.
- Feta cheese Will similarly cause your co-workers to believe they’ve been transported inside a pair of Fourth of July picnic touch-football Fruit of the Looms: trapped between cotton and a scrotal wall.
- Dead raccoon The fur has a lot of oil in it, and will create a mess. Dead raccoon fur is very difficult to extract from the workings of a microwave turntable. Living raccoons, however, can make for a toothsome afternoon treat.
- Human head Human gums tend to splatter and pop when heated. The one exception is Dutch gums, for reasons that remain unclear.
- Gallon of paint If you ever find yourself at the office needing to bring a gallon of house paint to a boil in a hurry, we recommend that you NOT use a microwave. If at all possible, boil your paint on a stovetop or outdoor grill.
- Artillery shell Depending on the caliber, an overheated (burnt) shell can take out the whole fucking accounting department. If you must heat-up an artillery shell, it is best to first cover it with an open napkin.
- Block of plutonium Admittedly this hasn’t been tested, but we’re prepared to go out on a limb with a warning.
- Tractor trailer tire You might be able to get away with this one, if it’s off the rim. But a fully mounted tractor trailer tire inside a microwave has ruined more than one workday. Our advice: don’t do it, don’t cook tires at work.
- Full pineapple Pineapples are sharp in every direction, and a constant explosion risk. If one goes off it’ll send hundreds of needles, razor blades, Chinese stars, etc. flying across the break room. What started as preparation for a relaxing lunch, could turn into a nightmarish, unspeakable bloodbath.
- Active beehive All it’ll take is one bee to catch fire, and you’ll have a “situation” on your hands. God help you if the queen should happen to go up in flames; they’ll probably just find a skeleton.
These are only eleven items from the top of our list. But what about your list? What other things should never be heated-up in the work microwave? Please use the comments section to share your knowledge.
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Please refrain from using the work microwave to dry your socks.
Petroleum products that have turned to gel in their respective metal cans.
Steel wool and 104+ octane booster.
Sealed tubes of lithium grease.
Picture if you will, two teenagers with 5 old microwave ovens at an automotive service garage. They have petroleum products, a 100ft extension cord and the desire to know…
Heh-heh, explosions are cool! Huh-huh, yea huh-huh…
To the guy in my building in Nome, Alaska last Saturday morning: Yes, I’m sure the omelet you made with garlic, onion, and peppers was delicious. HOWEVER…my office is on the downside of our building’s air filtration system, hence I got the nasal irrition portion of your breakfast, yet without the deliciousness of the food.
Side note to said guy cooking the omelet: My job sucks. Feel free next Saturday morning to add the foresaid “block of plutonium” to your omelet. At this point in my life, I just want it all to end.
Not funny, but a hard boiled egg does not belong in the microwave. The Charlotte, NC Holiday Inn breakfast lounge still stinks.
Your cellphone.
Hitler’s testicle.
A homeless Moroccan gentleman
Your own testicle
I am actually considering a printable version for my workplace breakroom. There are quite a few homemade signs reminding us to clean up after ourselves.
We have these big eraseable boards I could put next to it and they could leave comments LOL
Have to add popcorn to the list unless you KNOW what you are doing. Burnt popcorn puts a scowl on everyone’s face and no one admits to doing it.
Add Thai Indian (dot) and Vietnamese to the list.
I would have to say popcorn in any case. Either it gets burnt and smells bad, or it doesn’t and just smells way too good and makes everyone else hungry. Unless the popcorn is for me. Then it’s OK.
*trapped between cotton and a scrotal wall*
Easily one of the funniest things I have ever read.
Well done my friend. Well done! I love the posts like this that are just off the wall ridiculous. Love it.
Is this a joke or for real? I want to cook a pineapple, but this article is really freaking me out!
Do you think someone would joke about exploding pineapple? Fine. Don’t listen to the website but don’t come crying to the web when the pineapple explodes and you are blinded and smell like Hawaiian semen for the rest of your life.