5 Reasons Human Balls Are Better Than My Old Chevy Blazer

2010 January 27
by mockers
  • Balls are perfectly aligned, and synchronized.  One hangs slightly lower than the other, so they don’t mash together and cause pain.  My old piece of shit Blazer was always out of alignment, and shuddered and shook like a third chin at a pie jubilee.
  • Balls automatically adjust themselves, based on the current temperature.  If it’s warm they move further from the body, and when it’s cold they draw nearer.  My old piece of shit Blazer was either Pluto-cold, or hotter than the crotch panel in Rosie O’Donnell’s compression hosiery.
  • Balls continuously work at refilling their own holding tanks, and my old piece of shit Blazer got seventeen miles per gallon.  Only once, during a memorable summer night in 1982, did my balls ever completely run out of “fuel.”
  • The word “testify” is said to be derived from the ancient Roman custom of men “swearing on their testicles” before giving testimony in court.  “Blazerify” is not a word, and rightly so.  If a person were asked to swear on their Blazer, it might actually encourage falsehoods and tall tales.  Probably involving aliens and/or midgets.
  • Balls are associated with courage and strength, and on two separate occasions my old piece of shit Blazer required me to call AAA and beg them to send another man to help me out of a jam — effectively forcing me to put my own balls in a decorative box, wrap it with ribbon and a nice bow, and hand it over to a tow truck driver named Ron.

Are human balls better than your car?  Tell me how, in the comments.  And thank you for your attention to this important matter.

2 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 January 27

    I drive a Ford F150 4×4. They are nearly equal to balls in quality and performance. If I had to choose between my balls and my truck I would have to keep the balls, though the decision would not be easy to make.

    On a side note; I wonder why they put “4×4” on the back quarter of these trucks? It would be cheaper and less cryptic to just put “16” there. Another of life’s mysteries…

  2. 2010 February 5
    clintcurtis permalink

    For every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction. I have a 1988 Blazer that won’t GO, and a 2009 Toyota Matrix that won’t STOP!

    Skully, they put 4X4 on the back because it lets people know that the vehicle is usually owned by 4 guys with an IQ of 4 who pooled their money to put a down payment on it.

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