5 Reasons Human Balls Are Better Than My Old Chevy Blazer

• Balls are perfectly aligned, and synchronized.  One hangs slightly lower than the other, so they don’t mash together and cause pain.  My old piece of shit Blazer was always out of alignment, and shuddered and shook like a third chin at a pie jubilee.
• Balls automatically adjust themselves, based on the current temperature.  If it’s warm they move further from the body, and when it’s cold they draw nearer.  My old piece of shit Blazer was either Pluto-cold, or hotter than the crotch panel in Rosie O’Donnell’s compression hosiery.
• Balls continuously work at refilling their own holding tanks, and my old piece of shit Blazer got seventeen miles per gallon.  Only once, during a memorable summer night in 1982, did my balls ever completely run out of “fuel.”
• The word “testify” is said to be derived from the ancient Roman custom of men “swearing on their testicles” before giving testimony in court.  “Blazerify” is not a word, and rightly so.  If a person were asked to swear on their Blazer, it might actually encourage falsehoods and tall tales.  Probably involving aliens and/or midgets.
• Balls are associated with courage and strength, and on two separate occasions my old piece of shit Blazer required me to call AAA and beg them to send another man to help me out of a jam — effectively forcing me to put my own balls in a decorative box, wrap it with ribbon and a nice bow, and hand it over to a tow truck driver named Ron.

Are human balls better than your car?  Tell me how, in the comments.  And thank you for your attention to this important matter.