A Message of Thanks from the General Manager

2009 September 2
tags: ,
by mockers

Dear colleagues,

theceoAs you know, 2009 has been a challenging year for our industry.  Many of our competitors have been forced to reduce staff, and make drastic cuts in production.  In May one of the largest frozen meal facilities in North America was closed, and in July another plant shuttered, completely, their state-of-the-art gravy silo.

Of course, we are not immune to economic realities. But because of bold initiatives implemented by senior management, and your superior efforts, our company is positioned to weather the recession largely unscathed, and emerge stronger and better than ever.

Your commitment and hard work has played a key part in our continued success!

Indeed, I was driven to write today because you’ve humbled me once again.  I was recently briefed, during a staff meeting, about the numerous charitable contributions you’ve made, and the community involvement displayed by our overall team – even while being asked to go above and beyond during uncertain economic times.

That, my friends, is a sign of true character.  And I couldn’t be more proud of our company than I am right now.

While space doesn’t permit me to list every charity helped, and every cause furthered, I would like to acknowledge a few especially remarkable achievements by our team.  However, I applaud all such efforts.

You, my friends, never fail to amaze and inspire me!

In April, the crew in the braised meat cage (2nd shift) got together and conducted a spring cleanup of the grounds surrounding the Old Whores’ Home in Snellville.

Whores provide a valuable service to the community, and the Home is a not-for-profit retirement center for aging (and often forgotten) “ladies of the evening.”  Like longtime resident Lucy, who is rumored to have had relations with each of the seven main cast members of Gilligan’s Island.  Yes, including Mrs. Howell.

Hooray for braised meat, and hooray for old whores!

In March, the sodium-infusion squad took to the streets and raised $471.23, by participating in the 5K Walk for Women with One Tall Tooth.

Also in March, the gang from the potato-mashing vestibule collected $946.00 for the Center for People with At Least One Too Many Lungs, by raffling off a shitload of gift baskets.

In May, the wild men from the mixed vegetables mezzanine (look out!) held various fundraisers around town, and sent three local kids to the Camp for Children with Unfortunate Names.

The following lucky boys and girl had the summer of a lifetime, thanks to the selfless efforts of mixed vegetables!

Bobby Poopbubbles
Harry Cox
Jennifer DeCunt

In July, the baby carrots group sponsored “shorts Friday” and collected $3 from each employee wishing to wear shorts on Fridays during the month.  In all, they collected $216.00 for the northeast chapter of the Insufferable Pricks Acceptance Society.

Also in July, the men and women from the salisbury steak vault covered the entire bulletin board near the main entrance with “pianos” purchased by plant personnel (that means you!).  The proceeds ($417!) will benefit adults and children in our area afflicted with Acute Billy Joel Eye.

As mentioned, this is only a sampling of your amazing efforts.  I am proud to note that the list above could easily be three times as long!

I am very appreciative of everything you continue to do for our company, the entire frozen meal industry, and our local community at large.

You guys and gals are, simply put, the greatest!

Sincerely, L.L.L. Anderson, General Manager

3 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 September 2
    AngryWhiteGuy permalink

    Wow, the first part of this sounded exactly like the head guy who came down from the Northern part of the state last week. Basically he told us that NO ONE was getting raises this year (for the second year in a row), how we were lucky to still have jobs, how much charity, that he was unaware of, that our individual offices provided, and then proceeded to demonstrate to us how to properly wipe one’s ass with a hundred dollar bill, which is indicative of the amount of money he makes from the State.

    Then he told us, that without our efforts, how he would never have that ability to wipe his ass with One Hundred Dollar Bills, if it were not without our individual hard work and such.

    Then he told us that he would be out of the country for a month and to forward any emails or questions to his secretary, as he would be in Spain.

    Then, he told us all how wonderful we were and he felt fortunate to have us as employees.

  2. 2009 September 2
    Limey permalink

    And finally, there is a mandatory 8AM meeting next Monday in the main auditorium where HR will outline our rightsizing strategy. Feel free to bring your own coffee and please notify any team members currently on vacation of the meeting.

  3. 2009 September 4
    Brynhildr permalink

    “rightsizing” — one of the most ridiculous euphemisms EVER.

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