A Mockable Plea: Wendy Lutfisk Needs Your Help

2011 April 6
by mockers

At the age of 27, Wendy Lutfisk was diagnosed with a partially genetic, lifelong disease. A painful condition called StupidFatBitch, which leaves the victim and the people around them disgruntled, disappointed, depressed and a little gassy.  It also leads to a marked decrease in flexibility. At this point, Wendy’s goal is to recognize the symptoms when they present and to make a conscious effort to not be such an asshole about every little goddamned thing.

To get treatment, Wendy bounces between televisions shows where assholes dance or sing karaoke, booze, family members that can’t effectively disown her and the occasional mental health professional. The medical and transportation costs are extreme. Even the most rudimentary treatment, a hard smack to the side of the mouth while simultaneously yelling “Stop being such a stupid fat bitch! Bitch!”, requires a $20 copay when performed by a professional.

What’s left of Wendy’s family is still surprised this is happening. Less than six years ago, she was the picture of health.  She would spend her free time on dates with members of the opposite sex.  She would play sports.  Wendy was even known to volunteer in the community.  Nostalgic family members recalled an entire summer when she helped to build small inner city houses with her “friend” Tad. Then, Wendy says, “When all that disappeared, it was replaced with pain, heartache and disdain for my fellow man. I was very nauseous and throwing up. I had fevers and, as time went by, I decided that everything that happened at my place of employment was my business and that the federal government was stealing from me. The only thing that would calm my nerves was eating those little balls of ice cream covered in chocolate, obsessing over “news-ish” stories about redistribution of wealth and being a total dick to everyone who came within ten feet of me.”

Wendy’s mother, Lynda, remarked on the abrupt change in her daughter, “The doctors say that it is extremely rare for this to strike a person so young. It usually affects adults, in their 30s or 40s or older. My understanding is, if they say you have StupidFatBitch, pretty much, after that, you’re gonna need to die alone or find some co-dependent pussy to push around for the rest of your life.  See, this is exactly why you should never fuck a person named Tad.”

Doctors have beaten her with a medically sterilized 2X4, the federal Congressional Budget Office has explained to her at great volume that safety net programs amount to only 14% of the FY2010 budget and helped approximately 44 million impoverished people (many of them children) and a nutritionist looked at her and was heard to remark, “Damn!  That’s a StupidFatBitch right there!”

Dr.Ahmed Williamnson, a local StupidFatBitchterologist, says, “We’re hoping, in the long term, that Wendy will finally turn off the talk radio and shut the fuck up for a minute, but like most conditions, it’s only when you look back that you can say exactly what a stupidfatbitch Wendy was being.  It is further hoped that Wendy can raise awareness of the disease and help to dispel some of the myths that have been passed around the offices of this country.  For example, while the term ‘bitch’ has traditionally been attributed to females, the scientific community abandoned the gender-specific undertones decades ago.  In fact, I have seen considerably more male patients struggling with StupidFatBitch over the last year or two than females…those dudes are pathetic, scientifically speaking.  Finally, under absolutely no circumstances should a guy named Tad be fucked. ”

Now 34 years old, Wendy wants what most people her age take for granted. “Being able to go to work and contribute to society, unlike those ‘welfare queens’,  without spouting off hate speech or acting like a total jackass.”

In time, perhaps. There is no currently no cure for StupidFatBitch.

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4 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 April 6
    metten permalink

    Of the people that visit any of the pages of mockable.org, 1.7% take the time to comment. The remaining 98.3% of you really irritate the shit out of me.

  2. 2011 April 6
    Nurse Ratched permalink

    Metten……I love you guy, but that totals 101%…..Listen to me, don’t quit because you got the shit

  3. 2011 April 7
    tncaveboy permalink

    metten.. thank you for this in depth investigative reporting. i think this malady has reached pandemic proportions. a telethon is definately in order. but let us not forget those that suffer from a lesser known strain of this disease imacutebitch.

  4. 2011 April 12
    Robert permalink

    I am pretty sure the person in the photo works with me and she recently passed my desk! Weird.

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