A Quick Note To Every Goddamn Person I Came In Contact With Yesterday

2009 July 10
by mockers

quicknoteMike, my husband: You know, there’s nothing cute or amusing about a man in his mid-40s standing in the kitchen, bending at the knees and pointing his fingers in the air like a gay retard, while forcing intestinal gas into the room.  Not one thing.  Especially while I’m trying to eat my Cream of Wheat.

Also, sniffing the air after yet another of your revolting eruptions, and saying, “Did somebody just open a can of peaches?” is starting to get a little old.  Five times a day for seventeen years is excessive, I believe.

And those toenails?  I’ve never seen anything more disgusting.  I’m fairly certain you’re supposed to trim them before they start growing toward the light.

The woman at Hardee’s: “Hep you?” is not a proper greeting.  In fact, “Hep” isn’t even a word.  And what’s with all the attitude?  I’m just getting a coffee, for godsake.  I can’t be held responsible for your poor decision-making skills, or the delay in your “settlement.”

Gene, the parking garage attendant at my job: You seem like a nice man, but I have no idea what you’re talking about most of the time.  For instance, who the fuck is Bonnie, and why do you think I’m at all concerned about her hand surgery?

The security guard in the lobby at my job: My tits thank you for your daily Good Morning! greeting.  They appreciate it — especially the left one.  The left one is a little insecure, and really eats-up that kind of stuff.

Jan, the department secretary at my job: Nobody is buying the “I’m so incredibly busy” act.  We all know your cubicle is a pig sty simply because you’re a lazy slob.

I mean, look at your car!  There’s only enough room in that piece of shit for your ass.  Admittedly that’s a lot of space, but still…  Since we’re on the subject, I’ve been meaning to ask:  why is there a rotisserie chicken and a can of Right Guard on the dashboard?

And your voice.  Dear God, your voice!  It carves a hole straight through my central nervous system.  Have you ever considered shutting the hell up for a few minutes, just as an experiment?

Jerry, with whom I share an office: Is it really necessary to talk to your wife every thirty minutes throughout the day?  Have you ever noticed how she never calls you?  I have.

And that thing you do where you twist your whole torso around, and crack your back?  I hate that; it makes me almost physically ill.  One of these days you’re going to blow something out, and end up in a wheelchair typing emails with your forehead-mounted typing-wand.

Plus, those “health shakes” you drink all day smell like unwashed balls.

Brenda, who believes we’re office buddies: I know this might come as a shock, but the entire universe doesn’t revolve around your bony, tan-in-a-can ass.  You think everybody’s out to get you, but in reality, nobody gives you a second thought.  Because you’re forgettable.

Also, it’s “picture,” not “pitcher.”  Wow!

Phil, my boss: You’re a good guy, and very smart, and everything.  I just wish I’d never seen that “No Spin Zone” sticker on your Taurus.  I was this close to respecting you.

It’s too bad, really.  Because everything you say and do now, regardless of its brilliance, is tinged in douche; at this point you carry a very distinct douchey patina.

Mike, my husband, again: If you don’t like the way I cook the pork chops, here’s an idea:  do it yourself.  Why not get up off your ever-expanding hams every once in a while, and contribute something?  Besides, of course, your “comedy.”

I’d never kill you in your sleep, understand, but that doesn’t mean the thought hasn’t crossed my mind.

David Letterman: What’s happened to you?  You used to be the funniest man alive, and now you’re about as amusing as… oh, I don’t know… pancreatic cancer?

A little unsolicited feedback:  exaggerated coughing and throat-clearing is not entertainment.  So knock it off, please.  And your political analysis?  Embarrassing.  You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about; you’re like some ranting old man at a diner now.  The only thing missing is a slice of blueberry pie, and a Sea World hat.

And I think that brings us up to date.  Thanks for your time, folks!

Your pal, Leslie

58 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 July 10
    josh poole permalink

    LOVE IT!

  2. 2009 July 10
    NDfaninAZ permalink

    Ohh….I could write an entire article like this just about my mother. Bless her heart (because, you know, if you add that phrase after anything, it’s all ok).

  3. 2009 July 10


    I think I love you. Oh…wait a minute…gotta go open a can of peaches…

  4. 2009 July 10
    Trisha aka Mrs. Wally permalink

    Perfect! Keep ’em coming.

  5. 2009 July 10
    MonsterQuads permalink

    Enjoyed that! Thanks!

  6. 2009 July 10

    I can relate to the voice that carves a hole right through the central nervous system. Whenever my part time night receptionist speaks I want to stab my eardrums with an icepick.
    And not only is the voice the epitome of Western PA “yinzer”, but her topics never stray far from her buzzed cut hicklet grandchildren and her demonic neglectful daughter in law.
    You can’t even classify it as a “conversation” because it’s all one sided of her yammering on while one nods their head, trying to feign interest and secretly daydreaming of opening all major arteries with a razor. Hers or yours, take your pick.

  7. 2009 July 10
    Knucklehead permalink

    Awesome! I think Leslie and I might be related.

  8. 2009 July 10

    Boy am I glad I don’t work at your job…

  9. 2009 July 10
    Dawn permalink

    Huzzah, Leslie, huzzah.

  10. 2009 July 10

    Oh, and since I don’t know and don’t want to know what unwashed balls smell like, I gonna assume your talking about the golf variety. But in case I’m wrong, that is gross.

  11. 2009 July 10
    GODSFIRE permalink

    you seem awfully angry. Maybe you should get a good shag and stop being such a bitch.

  12. 2009 July 10
    octagon permalink

    Hah! Cunt.

  13. 2009 July 10
    DTO permalink

    Man…he’s got it all over me. I’m still using “pull my finger”.

    Actually ‘hep’ is a word but not in her context. You see…I’m a hep ( [slang] adj. vari of hip) cat. I really am…well maybe except for the pull my finger thing.

  14. 2009 July 10
    Kevin permalink

    That bitch in the mirror: Get over yourself, everyone else has. The world doesn’t owe you a damn thing.

  15. 2009 July 10

    The funniest mock I have read since the first “Cats” mock. Who wrote this? I mean, apparently it is Leslie, and the photo is convincing. But there is no intro. In any event, flat out friggin’ funny. I feel as if I cannot mock again because it will never live up to this mock.

    I’m gonna go read it again.

  16. 2009 July 10

    Wow, what a cunt.

  17. 2009 July 10
    Jason permalink

    LOL @ her thinking someone would check her out, shes lucky to be married. No wonder her left titty has such low self esteem

  18. 2009 July 10

    Rotisserie chicken and Right Guard. Mmm.

  19. 2009 July 11
    Bogrol permalink

    Geeezzzz!!! Gosh everyone you know is so horrible!!!! And it’s going to never end, day after day after day like this probably just getting worse… you should just off yourself.
    People like you who carp about every little fault of others, with your back-stabbing cynacism and what you believe to be witty sarcasm are warts on the face of humanity and make the world an uglier place to live in, even more so than the poor slobs you cut down and that you think you’re so much better than.
    Please take an over-dose of sleeping pills or something.

  20. 2009 July 11

    I thought this was both funny AND bad-natured, which spells ‘mockery.’ That it’s gotten so many haters is terrifically illuminating. Methinks some readers are a tad misogynistic, perhaps?

    ‘Leslie,’ here’s a hint for days like this: boubon.

  21. 2009 July 11
    Vicki permalink

    Note to John: If you’re reading this, I DID NOT write this with names changed to protect the innocent. I swear.

  22. 2009 July 11
    FishStyx permalink


    The vitriol!
    The condescension!!
    The heartfelt sincerity and barely contained loathing!!!

    They simply OOZE!!!!

    …and the fact that it’s also able to bring out the trolls in goodly numbers…BRILLIANT!!

    Ladies and gentlemen…we are witness to Greatness!!

  23. 2009 July 11
    DTO permalink

    You’re right FishStyx….It’s better when only five or six comments are made, like with some of the other mocks here. I’ve been reading since JK & M started this up. It should keep it’s members only feel. I’m sure they don’t want just any clown shoe wearing asshat to chime in anytime they damn well please.


  24. 2009 July 11

    The best mockables are the ones the upset the natives, keep up the good work.

  25. 2009 July 11
    Swami Bologna permalink

    That was really funny. I just hope that J.K.’s not investing so much effort into Mockable that he’s neglecting the good ol’ WVSR.

  26. 2009 July 11
    Alena permalink

    You are an adult who uses ‘gay retard’ as if it’s an insult and at your husband, no less…grow up and get a divorce…you don’t respect him and he, given his farting, doesn’t respect you either

  27. 2009 July 11
    Stan permalink

    You wouldnt have these problems if you stayed in the kitchen.

  28. 2009 July 12

    I thought this was quite funny. For the record there are 2 Jasons here. One snarky fuck and me.

  29. 2009 July 12
    WB in OH permalink

    Great mockable. It’s amazing that the stupid people that don’t get the “Mockable” part are smart enough to type in the comments section.

  30. 2009 July 12
    Leo permalink


  31. 2009 July 13
    SeanInSac permalink

    Wow. Didn’t realize so many douchekateers have found Mockable already. Nice.

  32. 2009 July 14

    Funny! And insightful.

    To all the haters… this is what mockable is all about.
    Try and cop a sense of humor.

  33. 2009 July 14
    Mrs. L. Bangs permalink

    VERY well written! I enjoyed a mental image of each individual described!

    Keep on Writing!

  34. 2009 July 14
    Smart sass permalink

    Mrs. L Bangs….you sound like my high school junior year english teacher.

  35. 2009 July 19
    Ederd permalink

    Right on about Letterman. For someone who makes 17 mil a year or whatever, he’s gotten pretty lazy.

  36. 2009 July 21
    Chris permalink

    i found you via stumbleupon and give your page a “thumbs down” without reading any other content.

    have you ever considered that if THAT many people get you so angry during the course of a day, that maybe the person with the issue is YOU? jesus, like your shit don’t stink…

  37. 2009 July 21
    CADude permalink

    Ya just gotta love the fact that there are people who live among us who take this shit seriously, and take the time to write pissed-off comments. I guess it beats having them all out driving around, all road-raged….

    A great guest-mock. I look forward to more from “Leslie”.

  38. 2009 August 1
    Daniel permalink

    ever think instead of it being everyone of those people, it is you?

  39. 2009 August 19
    Dr. Biscuit permalink

    Another rant of one of those angry women.

  40. 2009 August 23
    Joe permalink

    You’re an ignorant bitch. What gives you the right to judge all these people? I hope you get in a car wreck and one of these people you hate stops to help and realizes it’s the bitch herself and keeps moving. Maybe if you stopped judging people you could be productive. Judging your own husband? You married him, what does that say about you? Idiot.

  41. 2009 August 29
    Janie permalink

    Ha, that was great!

  42. 2009 September 16
    Brooke permalink

    My roommate and I just howled at your entry, Leslie. It’s the best thing we’ve ever read.

  43. 2009 September 19
    Frank permalink

    I agree, you are mockable, but you are not worth the effort. I’ll just thumbs down this attempt at humour and move on.

  44. 2009 September 20
    doc feelgood permalink

    You are right about your boss being very smart. There`s a good chance you support the socialist tax and spend democraps . You`d gladly trade freedom for security just to prove to us that we should`ve never let women vote. Move your fat ass to russia, bitch.

  45. 2009 September 22
    Jes B permalink

    Subsequent Mockable Subject: Douchebags who don’t know that the little red ‘x’ in the upper right hand corner will make the bad go away, those who don’t know how to spell shit like ‘sinuhsizzum’ and those who think that a fart is a personal attack on their integrity. And to WB in OH, they are, but just barely.

  46. 2009 October 14
    malignedtruth permalink

    meh. I am a man, too busy actually working on my relationships to comment much further…

    But, you sure seem to need an enema or something just as inspiring.

  47. 2009 October 15
    Michael David Rickman permalink

    The best vent yet, get it out girl…Hope it made you feel better. The laughs brightened my day. Thanks M.

  48. 2009 October 19
    Tom Bass permalink

    You sound like a pleasant woman. Glad we haven’t had the opportunity to meet.

  49. 2009 October 25
    Mitzi permalink

    @ Joe and the last dick to post:
    “You’re an ignorant bitch. What gives you the right to judge all these people? I hope you get in a car wreck and one of these people you hate stops to help and realizes it’s the bitch herself and keeps moving. Maybe if you stopped judging people you could be productive. Judging your own husband? You married him, what does that say about you? Idiot.”
    @ TomBAss”You sound like a pleasant woman. Glad we haven’t had the opportunity to meet.”

    What kept you from having that foreskin around your necks circumsized?

    Leslie, it’s some of the funniest, real shit I’ve read in forever… keep it coming!

  50. 2009 October 25
    Bildo permalink

    Thanks for the funniest post I’ve seen in forever.
    I’m really sorry we haven’t met.

  51. 2009 October 25
    Sod White permalink

    Really Mitzi, no fucking kidding. It’s clear to me no one else here has to contend with day-to-day bullshit, so we’ll just excuse Leslie for daring to speak out against her own.

    I don’t know, just seems to me like every day is another lesson in social studies, and today is no different. Today we learned that most of you are no fucking less opinionated than the author of this article; tomorrow, perhaps even in the next few minutes, we’ll also find that I’m just a right horrible bastard for having criticized the trolls.

    If you think coming down on somebody for venting after a shitty day made the world a better place, you’ve got about a quarter-million other bloggers out there to bash.

  52. 2009 November 1
    Tim permalink

    wow youre a bitch.

  53. 2009 November 5
    acce245 permalink

    One ugly old working broad complaining about everything that isn’t her. Then again, maybe women who routinely smell unwashed balls are just pissy as hell. I wonder what all those people would say about her, if we were to ask.

    Feel like I just wasted 10 minutes reading it, why not spend another 30 seconds writing a troll post….

  54. 2009 December 1
    Scott Randall permalink

    Hey , get it off your chest ! All these stupid blogs should be good for something , don’t you think?

  55. 2010 January 10
    jyllfluenza permalink

    Hep is a term meaning (more or less) “hip” or “cool”. “Hep-cat” would be like saying “cool guy”. Ex. “Thats one hep cat!” —>”Thats one cool guy!” I think it was coined around the 1930’s? But that, I am not sure of.

  56. 2010 January 18
    monica permalink

    I was just forwarded this site, absolutely brilliant!

  57. 2010 April 2
    Nick permalink

    I tell you what, in two years I’ll have my mental health counseling license. If your path and mine should ever cross, your first session is on me. Trust me, you need it.

  58. 2012 August 23
    Phil Jett permalink

    Man, somehow I missed this one and it is really one of the best Mockables of all time. Humor at its best. I guess a lot of idiots don’t understand humor.

    This was funny, really funny.

Leave a Reply

Note: You can use basic XHTML in your comments. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS