A Surefire Way to Double Your Tips Overnight

2009 November 9

guySo you work in a service industry where your customers often see it appropriate to extend you some gratuity now and again in exchange for your services.  That’s great!  How’s that going for you?  I would imagine, depending on the size of your breasts/how many socks you put in your underpants –  you probably do okay.  What would you say if I told you that you could double or even triple your tips in just one night?  You’d probably tell me that it’s impossible.  You’d tell me to “get the fuck outta here” or some other colloqualism used by people who were “good-enough-at sports-that-they-neglected-their-studies-in-favor-of-doing-it-over-and-over-again-with-attractive-members-of-the-opposite-sex-as-if-it-was-some-thrill-ride-that-would-never-end” but not even close to good enough to make it to the big leagues.   Well I won’t “get the fuck outta here” because I’m here to show you one simple trick that will allow you to triple your tips in one night with hardly any effort!

How much would you be willing to pay for this technology?  $1,000?  $2,000?  How about $5,000? Well hold on to your ever-so-slowly protruding gut ’cause I’m about to rock your world!  I’m about to share with you the greatest secret to increasing your tips for zero dollars!  That’s right, absolutely nothing! Why would I give away something so valuable for free?  Let’s just say that I enjoyed getting the back of my underwear pulled over my head so much that I felt I needed to give something back to all you Homecoming Kings and Queens who are now waiting tables and delivering pizzas.  Let’s just say that I thought it was pure genius when you covertly took a picture of my penis with your cell phone in the locker room after gym class and anonymously posted it on the senior class’ facebook page…You guys are so awesome, that I’m giving away these solid gold tips to boost your tips for free!  Maybe now you’ll be my friend.  Oh, that plus I’m an engineer that makes $120,000 per year – your pizza delivering ass might find that attractive in a friend as well.

I can’t take full credit for the idea.  Actually, “Crazy” Carl Granger gave it to me.  See, it was Friday night and my hot wife (that I met in grad school) and I didn’t feel like cooking, so we ordered a couple of pies from that goofy chain with the red roof.  Their pizza is overpriced and tastes like plastic, but I ordered it because I used to work there and the distinctive smell brings back such pleasant memories.  For example, I remember Crazy Carl sweating profusely like the husky left tackle he was as his girlfriend held me down on the nasty red brick floor.  Carl squealed with delight as he whacked my bare buttocks repeatedly with a wooden paddle, his long blonde hair swinging up and down with each strike.  I wept silently as my face melded with several layers of grease from the unkempt floor and my genitals reluctantly bounced along to the steady rhythm of Carl’s attack.  Crazy Carl’s girlfriend laughed maniacally as he stopped long enough to use the paddle to remove a large sausage and green pepper from the oven and then shook the pizza into a cardboard box that had been covered with pseudo-hip ad copy.  The heat from the paddle brought a new sensation screaming into my buttocks as Carl hit me seven or eight more times before he told me to, “Get up and deliver it, bitch.”  His girlfriend spit into the back of my hair before removing her knee from my back.  I quickly stood up, wiped the tears from my face and delivered the pie.  Such great times! 

So anyway, ten years later – this morbidly obese lady with long blonde hair, an armful of bad tattoos and a perfectly straight line of sweat protruding from below her giant sloppy breasts comes to my door to deliver the pies.  I step out my front door and say, “Beautiful evening isn’t it ma’am?”  She immediately looks up at me in disgust.  Her face is covered with grease, sweat and a whispy blonde moustache.  She wasn’t a big fat lady at all!  It was big fat Crazy Carl!  He was clearly upset that I had confused him with a woman, but the requirements of providing excellent customer service made his anger turn into shame pretty quickly.  I immediately felt terrible for thinking he was a woman and I upped his tip to 45%.  He didn’t recognize me, but I recognized many of the old “Crazy Carl” facial expressions as his eyes turned from pathetic shame to pathetic greed.  It was then that it dawned on me:

You don’t need to provide value for a low price to get a decent tip…you don’t even need to provide quality customer service.  All you need to do is look like an ugly member of the opposite sex.  Then when the customer addresses you as “sir” or “ma’am” (whichever one you aren’t), then you just act all defensive or better yet, start to cry.  Your tips will go through the roof! 

You don’t need to thank me for this piece of golden advice – your savage bullying was enough to motivate me to get a decent job and a hot wife…so I guess we’re even.

4 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 November 9

    you shoulda given him a flying kick down your stairs onto the ground. then given him a “HOT” carl.

  2. 2009 November 9

    LOL!! The perfect mock!

    I was a “scumbag dropout, dead-end kid” in the early 80s.
    Now I have a great career and a nice real estate collection.

    I have seen snooty “superior” classmates who have just become laughable in appearance and position.

  3. 2009 November 9

    Dude, where did you get that picture of me?

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