A Very Short Story Inspired By a Loudmouth I Recently Encountered In a Bar

2009 September 23
by mockers

reclineThe ample-assed Meals McKinney cracked open another Coors Light and continued berating a world class professional athlete.  “Ah, ya limp-wristed sissy!  Who taught you to throw, your grandmother?  Where’s your Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox, little girl?!” he yelled at a television from the comfort of his foul-smelling recliner.

The batter lined a pitch into the right field corner, and cruised into second standing, driving in two.  “Jesus H. Alou!” Meals blurted, spraying uninteresting fluids across the living room.  “Why’s he still in there?  What are you morons doing??”

Finally, the pitching coach picked up the dugout telephone.  “It’s about time, ya douche!” screamed Meals at the appliance.  “This guy throws like Henry Kissinger!”

The phone rang, and Meals answered,  “Hullo?”

The voice on the other end of the line was impatient:  “Yeah, this is Roger McDowell of the Atlanta Braves.  We’re sending a car for you. You seem to be very critical of what we’re doing here, so let’s see if you can do any better.  We’re bringing you in in the bottom of the fifth.  Be ready, doughboy.”

Meals saw McDowell slam down the phone on television, as he heard the receiver in his hand go dead.  Then he pitched a slider, right there in his front room.

5 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 September 23
    WB in OH permalink

    Guilty as charged!

  2. 2009 September 23
    SeanInSac permalink

    I’ve personally never understood people who get all worked up over a ball game. Yeah, they are entertaining but when it’s over your little life hasn’t change one bit. Same house, same job, same everything and the jackasses on the field couldn’t give two shits for you or your “support” other than the fact that it provides them with cash.

  3. 2009 September 23
    JerseyDon permalink

    The last time I got that mad was Opening Day 1980. Goose Gossage of the Yankees comes in to pitch the 9th and promptly throws a wild pitch that allows the winning run to score. I threw my can of beer at the TV.

  4. 2009 September 23

    I’ve never yelled at a sports figure on TV because I reasonably sure they won’t hear me.
    I do however flip the bird toward the tube when Obama starts spouting BS.

  5. 2009 September 23

    I am constantly screaming at the TV during games. Even though I know the only thing I am accomplishing is freaking out the dog!

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