Guest Mock: All Class

This one is being presented courtesy of Mr. James Crestly Mach II, and I think you’re going to enjoy it.  Keep ’em coming folks!  And thanks, James.  It’s much appreciated.  -Jeff

I’m not really one hundred percent positive, but I have the feeling the fellow sitting next to me last night on the flight home, can’t hear. Well perhaps a little. Hard to say because he did acknowledge the flight attendant when she asked if he wanted another Bloody Mary. Her sign language was the tip off I suspect. His nodding and grunts seemed to say, “Make it a double”, and so she did.

When he first sat down next to me in seat 4B I could not help but notice, when I turned to show acceptance at his arrival, the large amount of hair growing out of his ears. When they came by and passed out earphones to everyone, he gladly took them and put them on and never plugged them into anything. I guess he thought they were ear muffs.

I’m not one to rush to judgment so I decided to hold of on any first impression opinions I might have of this man. Say for instance it’s the late 40’s and I’m on a DC 3 and this really odd looking out joker sits beside to me. I have no idea who he is and I judge the guy to be as worthless as gum stuck under a table. And it’s Albert Einstein and he could give a shit what I thought about him.

So I check him out and he obviously could give a fuck about who I am, or for that matter what I thought about his ear hairs. He hasn’t even said “Hi” yet, the bastard. He just sits there and drinks and munches on all the stuff they bring him. They even brought him a sampler plate of what they’ll be serving later. I mean, forward cabin first class has it’s perks but it’s like any minute now they’ll offer the guy a lap dance. Is it aisle seat bonus day or something?

His clothes aren’t all that special. Well…his sport coat has a nice ‘50’s Bulgarian look to it.. A nice brown, heavy tweed, herring bone model, with the smell of musk…and not Jovan. His hair is styled in such a way as to only need VO-5 to give him his look. Somewhere in the early ‘70’s he discovered ‘Brut’, and that’s been his odor of choice for forty years.

He just sits there, leaning forward.. His shoulders slumped and his hands held tightly between his legs. What in the hell is a guy like this doing in first class? Did he get an upgrade from baggage compartment because coach was full of carneys and insurance salesmen on their way to a time share convention in Des Moines? If the son-of-a-bitch thinks he sit up here in first class and hog all the attention away from all of us who deserve it…well fuck him! If he just wants to sit there ignoring everyone else around him…fine!.

If this thing goes down, I’ll be damned if I’m risking my life to drag his ass out of the burning wreckage. He can just go back to his job at the bowling alley, spraying disinfectant into rental shoes. Fuck him the arrogant funk factory. Thinking he’s better than me because he’s sitting up here in first class. The goddamn nose hairs and that mole on his neck!? Greyhound is still in business isn’t it?

I’m expecting that any second now, the lady across the aisle with oxygen tubes up her nose, will break out her milk carton of Whopper Malted Milk Balls and the last three issues of “Police Gazette”.

At our first stop I watched while everyone filed off and I breathed a sigh of relief…but only long enough to watch the entire plane be re-filled with what had to be the complete cast and crew for the remake of the 1932 movie…”Freaks”.