AMC or Star Trek: Nemesis – You decide

Dear God! What's that pointy thing for?

I’m the first one to sigh and roll my eyes when you guys yell at us for not following the strict format of: Party “a” – the mockers, mocks party “b” – anyone else = hilarity ensues.  It gets even worse when you guys start debating what the word “mock” means. 

     “Are they really mocking here?  Or are they whining?  It looks to me like they’re just ranting about something that pisses them off.  They’re not even mocking anything at all…I call shenanigans!  This is not the mockable.org that I ordered!”  Nowhere in the rules does it say that mockable.org absolutely must include a mocking or we lose our URL.  As long as the product that we provide generally centers around making fun of stuff, I feel like we’re as good as our word. 

It is, however, total bullshit when Cartoon Network starts playing old “Saved by the Bell” reruns.  It’s also sad that a channel named Music Television routinely fails to play music or even deliver watchable television.  I’ve even heard that they’ve stopped persecuting people of color on CMT.

You know which one really pisses me off?  The American fucking Movie Classics channel.  As a guy that loves the movie making process, I could always count on AMC to have something on.  Even if I wasn’t particularly fond of the movie I could always find something about it to admire.  Whether it was the story,the acting, the cinematography, the sets or some other aspect of the process, the movies they showed over there were “classics” because they excelled in one of these areas – AMC always had something on that would teach you about movies. 

Nowadays AMC stands for “any media that  cashflows”.  They have something like a dozen original shows.  They’re not bad shows, but that’s not the point.  Just like everyone else, they have 12 hours of infomercials.  Finally, when they do get around to showing a movie: 1) It’s not necessarily an American movie and 2) it’s even less often that the movie is a classic and 3) they’re always hosted by a pair of shitstain hack comedians trying to recapture the magical format of those goddamned Sonic commercials.  Hey guys…I don’t need any help watching American Graffiti…okay?  Just play the movie and shut the fuck up.

So there I was, hanging out on a weeknight.  The kids were in bed and I had enough energy to stay up for a bit and take in some grown-up t.v..  First I went to Discovery where Mike Rowe was making his 1,564,233rd poo joke.  I like that guy and wish him well, but that show is getting tired.  I then went through the rest of the channels, mocking as I flipped.  I finally landed on AMC and saw that they were actually playing a friggin’ movie.  Unfortunately for me, that movie was Star Trek: Nemesis.  You can talk all you want about the Star Trek culture and the longevity of the franchise and the hunkiness of 1960’s William Shatner – that movie is a turd of the highest order.  It’s not even worth the breath it would take to go through every plot hole or continuity error or old ladiness of Deanna Troi.  To further insult my intelligence they had two jackasses yammering between the commercials.  At one point they were getting haircuts…and they weren’t even funny haircuts.  I found myself wondering why the local Great Clips wasn’t just filled with spectators.  Then I realized it was because haircuts (except this one) aren’t fucking funny!

The only thing that kept me watching was the commercials.  They hit me with Extenze, Maxoderm and every other low-rent concoction designed to resurrect a trekkie’s troubled penis.  I can understand how their reproductive organs might have atrophied to the point that medical attention is necessary, but I am not sure what they’re supposed to do with them once everything’s working again.  The last straw was the Pos-T-Vac vacuum therapy system for erectile dysfunction.  Their big claim to fame is “If Medicare is your primary insurance, you have qualified supplemental coverage and your deductibles have been met for the year, you may be eligible for a Vacuum Therapy system with no out of pocket cost.”  Please remember this sentence next time someone tells you that medicare is going to bankrupt this country.  Before you start yelling at me, I realize that erectile dysfunction is a real problem that adversely affects the lives of millions of blah, blah, blah.  A google search for “penis enlargement pump” returns 48,000 results.  None of them are covered by medicare.  All of them, however, were purchased by people who thought Star Trek: Nemesis was a great movie.