An Open Apology to the Bavarian Motor Works

Dear BMW,

The column that I set out to write was supposed to blame you for a particular type of asshole that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  This asshole is usually some middle manager that spent years working and struggling and saving so that they could finally afford the downpayment on your least expensive available model.  Why would this asshole do this when there are several vehicles available for less than $10,000?  If they were going to spend $30,000 on a car, why didn’t they get a Chevy Malibu that’s been loaded with all the options rather than buying your bare-bones low-end model? There are several assholish reasons:

1) Intercourse – This particular asshole is the type of asshole that is perfectly willing to seek out the attention of another type of asshole that chooses who they spend time with based on the vehicle that the asshole drives.  I remember one time in Iowa City when I was downtown shopping for a belt because my previous belt had exploded under my massive girth, I parked my 1992 Pontiac Sunbird Convertable (admittedly a car manufactured for 17 year-old girls), hopped out and headed for the haberdashery.  I held my giant pants up with one hand as a beautiful woman walked by.  As I do with most folks I encounter, I smiled and said, “Hi.”  The woman immediately gestured toward my car and said, “Not with that piece of shit.” 

The woman was an asshole.  I wouldn’t want to be near her under any circumstance.  I certainly wouldn’t work my ass off and sacrifice just so that I could buy your cheapest available model to get her to acknowledge me with a wave and a smile.  Honestly, Bavarian Motor Works, if I had a vagina, I would work to establish a class action lawsuit that would force you to compensate people with vaginas.  I suspect the organ is responsible for a great many of your sales.

2) Upward Mobility – The asshole buying your car is someone’s asshole boss.  Every day some pathetic peon sits in their 1992 Pontiac Sunbird convertable and drives to their evil place of employment with their overstressed belt expanding and contracting in tandem with their sighs of misery.  The poor sap is sweating because the air conditioner broke in 2001 and they’re listening to Journey because the classic rock station is the only thing that will come in on the goddamned radio.  The poor loser finally gets to work so that they can sweat even more as they schlepp through the sea of cars in the parking lot.  What’s this poor Pontiac owner’s reward when they finally get near the building, Bavarian Motor Works?  That’s right, they get to see their asshole boss’ BMW 128i Coupe parked just a few rows back from his boss – the even bigger asshole that drives one of your M6 convertables.  It becomes clear to this pathetic worker ant that his asshole boss purchased a car that he couldn’t afford for no other reason than the fact that he aspires to one day become a greater asshole…oh and to attract assholes with vaginas…also, because of the asshole’s penis.  I totally forgot about the penis.

3) The Asshole’s Penis – I don’t understand it, Bavarian Motor Works.  What does purchasing a low-end BMW with no options have to do with tiny, flaccid penises?  I have never had the opportunity to actually get behind the wheel of one of your vehicles, but I refuse to believe that they have the power to transform me from a sweaty, belt-exploding, Journey-listening, cube-dwelling, entry-level dude directly into Peter North with a corner office.  I am strongly considering a call to Action 4 News’ “Problem Solvers” to see if they can get to the bottom of it all…so heads up or whatever.  You may get ambushed by that annoying guy that barks rapid-fire questions while sneering at the camera as you try to walk to your own M6.

So anyway, I started doing the research so that I could prove exactly how much Bavarian Motor Works exploits upward mobility, functioning vaginas and non-functioning penises.  It turns out the 128i is actually cheaper than the comparable Mazda RX-8.  In fact, it’s much cheaper than even my beloved Pontiac Soltice GXP (which, by the way, is exponentially superior to the ’92 sunbird).  It also appears to have a better resale value due to all the assholes that are bigger assholes than the assholes I’ve been talking about because they can’t even afford a new 128i.  Those assholes have to buy it used from the previous assholes.

In short, Bavarian Motor Works, I apologize.  It appears that you manufacture a quality product.  It is not your fault that the majority of your clientele are assholes.  You may be guilty of catering your marketing efforts to the asshole crowd, but I can’t fault you for knowing your product and knowing your customer.  It’s not your fault. But what do I know? I drive a ’92 Sunbird…even if the asshole girl had smiled and waved at me, I would have smiled and waved back and then my pants would have fallen down and then the asshole wouldn’t have talked to me for a whole different reason that has nothing to do with BMW.  Therefore, I am sorry Bavarian Motor Works.  I take it all back.

Sincerely,

The Mockers