An Open Apology to the Bavarian Motor Works

2009 August 5
by mockers


The column that I set out to write was supposed to blame you for a particular type of asshole that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  This asshole is usually some middle manager that spent years working and struggling and saving so that they could finally afford the downpayment on your least expensive available model.  Why would this asshole do this when there are several vehicles available for less than $10,000?  If they were going to spend $30,000 on a car, why didn’t they get a Chevy Malibu that’s been loaded with all the options rather than buying your bare-bones low-end model? There are several assholish reasons:

1) Intercourse – This particular asshole is the type of asshole that is perfectly willing to seek out the attention of another type of asshole that chooses who they spend time with based on the vehicle that the asshole drives.  I remember one time in Iowa City when I was downtown shopping for a belt because my previous belt had exploded under my massive girth, I parked my 1992 Pontiac Sunbird Convertable (admittedly a car manufactured for 17 year-old girls), hopped out and headed for the haberdashery.  I held my giant pants up with one hand as a beautiful woman walked by.  As I do with most folks I encounter, I smiled and said, “Hi.”  The woman immediately gestured toward my car and said, “Not with that piece of shit.” 

The woman was an asshole.  I wouldn’t want to be near her under any circumstance.  I certainly wouldn’t work my ass off and sacrifice just so that I could buy your cheapest available model to get her to acknowledge me with a wave and a smile.  Honestly, Bavarian Motor Works, if I had a vagina, I would work to establish a class action lawsuit that would force you to compensate people with vaginas.  I suspect the organ is responsible for a great many of your sales.

2) Upward Mobility – The asshole buying your car is someone’s asshole boss.  Every day some pathetic peon sits in their 1992 Pontiac Sunbird convertable and drives to their evil place of employment with their overstressed belt expanding and contracting in tandem with their sighs of misery.  The poor sap is sweating because the air conditioner broke in 2001 and they’re listening to Journey because the classic rock station is the only thing that will come in on the goddamned radio.  The poor loser finally gets to work so that they can sweat even more as they schlepp through the sea of cars in the parking lot.  What’s this poor Pontiac owner’s reward when they finally get near the building, Bavarian Motor Works?  That’s right, they get to see their asshole boss’ BMW 128i Coupe parked just a few rows back from his boss – the even bigger asshole that drives one of your M6 convertables.  It becomes clear to this pathetic worker ant that his asshole boss purchased a car that he couldn’t afford for no other reason than the fact that he aspires to one day become a greater asshole…oh and to attract assholes with vaginas…also, because of the asshole’s penis.  I totally forgot about the penis.

3) The Asshole’s Penis – I don’t understand it, Bavarian Motor Works.  What does purchasing a low-end BMW with no options have to do with tiny, flaccid penises?  I have never had the opportunity to actually get behind the wheel of one of your vehicles, but I refuse to believe that they have the power to transform me from a sweaty, belt-exploding, Journey-listening, cube-dwelling, entry-level dude directly into Peter North with a corner office.  I am strongly considering a call to Action 4 News’ “Problem Solvers” to see if they can get to the bottom of it all…so heads up or whatever.  You may get ambushed by that annoying guy that barks rapid-fire questions while sneering at the camera as you try to walk to your own M6.

So anyway, I started doing the research so that I could prove exactly how much Bavarian Motor Works exploits upward mobility, functioning vaginas and non-functioning penises.  It turns out the 128i is actually cheaper than the comparable Mazda RX-8.  In fact, it’s much cheaper than even my beloved Pontiac Soltice GXP (which, by the way, is exponentially superior to the ’92 sunbird).  It also appears to have a better resale value due to all the assholes that are bigger assholes than the assholes I’ve been talking about because they can’t even afford a new 128i.  Those assholes have to buy it used from the previous assholes.

In short, Bavarian Motor Works, I apologize.  It appears that you manufacture a quality product.  It is not your fault that the majority of your clientele are assholes.  You may be guilty of catering your marketing efforts to the asshole crowd, but I can’t fault you for knowing your product and knowing your customer.  It’s not your fault. But what do I know? I drive a ’92 Sunbird…even if the asshole girl had smiled and waved at me, I would have smiled and waved back and then my pants would have fallen down and then the asshole wouldn’t have talked to me for a whole different reason that has nothing to do with BMW.  Therefore, I am sorry Bavarian Motor Works.  I take it all back.



The Mockers

12 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 August 5
    WB in OH permalink

    Excellent, my 99 Taurus and I salute you sir!

  2. 2009 August 5
    Limey permalink

    Personally I’d rather drive a bare-bones 128i than a “fully loaded” Chevy Malibu. Actually, I’d rather take the bus than drive a Chevy Malibu. If I wanted a motorized sofa with 10 cupholders and a handbag rack I’d get the Malibu, but I don’t and I like cars and driving so I’d take the BMW. They generally make good products which probably explains why they haven’t gone bankrupt. Ahem.

  3. 2009 August 5
    Vicki permalink

    Back in the 70s when I was in my 20s I had a 1976 Sunbird–orange with white vinyl top and seats. I loved that car.

  4. 2009 August 5
    mockers permalink

    That reminds me…I forgot the 4th reason: Euro-ponytail douche-assery.

  5. 2009 August 5

    My Jeep and I bow to your wit and determination. Keep driving that Sunbird. I will always feel good in knowing that I can haul more vagina that the asshole in the BMW. Unless of course they are driving a BMV SUV, but it just more assholes on an BMW SUV.

  6. 2009 August 5

    I had a BMW for a while. It was a great car. The only thing is that if one little thing went wrong (a headlight went out) it was almost impossible to fix yourself. I thought they over engineered a lot of things.

    While driving it my penis would get so huge that I could self fellate, and that was nice.

  7. 2009 August 5

    You can haul tons of vagina in a Ford F150! And a farkin’ BMW on a trailor behind the truckload of vagina!

  8. 2009 August 5
    Chuck permalink

    What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW??

    On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

  9. 2009 August 5
    Limey permalink

    The latest 3 series still has the hahnsaugenautomatisches (HSA) as an option, I believe. I think it’s in the Premium Package.

  10. 2009 August 11
    Kevindust permalink

    Anyone that buys any car as a status symbol is a douche. The thing is, BMW happens to make some of the greatest all around automobiles on the planet. As a lover of cars and driving, I aspire to own a 335i or M3 but it has nothing to do with the badge on the hood. It has to do with the performance, handling, styling and everyday useability of the car itself.

    That being said, I agree with your mock as many owners certainly fit the bill. The easiest way to tell a pretender from an enthusiast? Check for an automatic transmission. See also: Corvette owners (the automatic rule goes double here.)

  11. 2009 September 1
    Benni permalink

    what is the differance between a an asshole and BMW

  12. 2009 September 1
    Benni permalink

    oh gosh peps it was nice driving my M3 118i but suddenly BMW is such discsting

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