Friday Guest Mock: An Open Letter to Fat Guy at the Gym Who Took The Locker Right Next To Mine

2009 November 13
by mockers

This weekly installment of our Guest Mock series is being handled by our friend Chris – the guy from the famous copy-repair-man-performance-review-mock.  He doesn’t  have a site to plug or anything like that to plug, but I hope he gets one soon because the guy makes me laugh.

Anyway, this mock rules, you should read it:

fat_guy_on_a_fire_hydrantLet me begin by asking, “What the fuck?” I mean really, “What… in… the… fuck…?”

Why do you belong to my gym? You must weigh at least 450 pounds of hairy, hanging, pimply, sweaty fat. What good is this place going to do for you? I see you out there walking on the treadmill at about 0.1 MPH watching my wife going through her workout. Not cool.

Is it the free shower? Cheaper than remodeling your double-wide, I’m sure. But hey, there are real people here man and you, my friend, are not a prime candidate for this kind of place. I think you are the kind of people that they write that warning for, you know the one. “Please consult with your doctor before beginning this or any other exercise regimen.” But, then again, coming to the gym is cheaper than seeing your doctor and hearing him call you “fat”. But, are you really doing any of us a favor?

But the real reason I am writing you today is to ask you an even more important question. “Why the fuck do you always have to choose the locker right next to mine?” I mean look around at all of the other lockers with keys hanging from their locks. They are wide open, my friend. But this locker here… the one without the key in the lock… that means that someone (namely me) will sooner or later be standing there trying to get dressed for work who does not want to look at your hairy back, yellow jockey shorts, or ingrown toenails. Why do you do it? Are you the kind of guy who bought Microsoft in 1999 because it seemed the way to go? Did you buy real estate in 2007? Just because I chose this locker here does NOT mean you should feel obligated to get on my train or hook your wagon to my star.

All I want is to workout in peace.

Oh, and in case you missed it. You’re fat.


The guy next to locker 147.

If you’d like to contribute a Friday Guest Mock please send it to mockable[at]  If it’s funny and won’t get us sued, we’ll most likely feature it at the site.  And don’t forget to include the address to your blog or website, so we can link back at ya.  Thanks!

11 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 November 13

    The guy next to locker 147 – I am not fat, I am big boned. You gotta problem with that? Next time you call me at 3:18 in the morning cause your skinny ass couldn’t handle the liquor and you go arrested for public intoxication and DUI, don’t look for me my fat ass to come running to bail your narrow ass out. OK? Next time you need me to reposess that car you co-signed on a loan that your so called cousin stiffed you on. And when you have illegally parked somewhere to run in and play the lotto, don’t expect me to look the other way and not tow your sorry boney ass. Now leave alone so I can scope out your wif.. eh workout in peace.

  2. 2009 November 13
    E Thayer permalink

    Damn, Chris, you put your foot in your mouth pretty good there.

    Let’s brainstorm about what you can mock next. There’s handicapped people… they don’t mind being lampooned. And don’t forget retards, they’re always good for a laugh. Since they’re too stoopid to know we’re laughing at them, that’s a bonus.

    Ooooo, I know, let’s do burn victims next! They’re gross looking too!
    Or people who didn’t finish school! Wow, there’s no end of material there.

    Give two seconds worth of thought before writing your next column, wouldya?
    I’m all for humor; I wouldn’t want to live in a world without it… but you fucked up here. Do better next time, dude.

  3. 2009 November 13
    metten permalink

    Lighten up, Francis…Despite the fact that my own BMI is in the low 30’s, fat people are more than fair game. Besides, I’m relatively sure that we’ve already covered retards and high school dropouts. Maybe you and I should print it out and tape it to the front of the treadmill as inspiration…

  4. 2009 November 13
    Zazu permalink

    Ditto -E Thayer! I agree. It is as if fat people are the last group it is OK to totally trash and treat them like they are not human beings. Now I think poking fun at people’s foibles is a good thing, but this came across as mean.

  5. 2009 November 14
    Dr. Fatnbald permalink

    Two bald guys walk into a bar….

  6. 2009 November 15
    NewFollower permalink

    I would like to see Jeff K. do one of his famous graphs of the number of times since the inception of this website that the “Mock” has had a derogatory reference to a fat/obese person vs the times it has not.

    Just sayin’

  7. 2009 November 15
    Dr. Fatnbald permalink

    Let me clear the air…

    I apprecaite a good fart joke…however. People suffering from Involuntary Flatulence are scorned and made fun of all the time and it is not in good taste to laugh at the sufferings of others. So be sympathic to others. But when a guy lets one rip in church and it bounces off the wooden pew and he sends up his own joyous noise right after the chior had finished singing…that’s hilarious.

  8. 2009 November 17
    Buck permalink

    Geez, lighten up people….it’s a blog called MOCKABLE. NOTHING is off limits. If you’re worried, perhaps you should frequent and in the words of Jeff Kay, “ a hot water bottle on your vagina.” By the way, hillbillies and rednecks are the last holdouts for mocking without reprisal. I get it constantly, in the end. IT’S JUST A FUCKING JOKE.

  9. 2009 November 18
    Chris permalink

    People people people.
    First of all, have you seen Metten? And he approved it. 🙂
    Second, as Buck pointed out, this is
    Finally, whether you are offended or not is not the problem, I’m just cluing you in to what everyone else is thinking when you rub your hairy back up against us while struggling to dry your taint.

  10. 2009 November 18
    In Agony, GA permalink

    Bald guys are sexy.

    Hey, Zazu! Guess who?

  11. 2015 August 30
    MORGAN permalink

    We need to write one about pussy little insecure guys who abuse their girlfriends/wives because they are too much of a puss to say something to the guy looking at their significant other – they usually take it out on the partner when they get home, instead. They also don’t possess the manly confidence to confront another man face to face – so they leave anonymous letters on message boards, hoping the person will see it, be as much of a pussy as them, and then they can move onto threatening the next imagined “threat” to the peacefulness of their little scared, insecure world. Don’t flatter yourself, your wife is a pig, I am not looking at her for any other reason than I get a kick out of watching her exchange longing looks with the guy she is cheating on you with over in the free weights area. I’m also not a puss, so I hope you like your locker, because I am locking you in it next time I am next to you – just like we used to do in high school.

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