An Open Letter to Former President Jimmy Carter

2009 May 27
by mockers

carterDear President Carter,

I know you’re a very busy man, building flimsy houses and flossing those big Mr. Eds and whatnot, but I’m hoping you can help me out with something here.

Our dog Andy, a border collie, is entangled in an ugly and ongoing dispute with the neighborhood bunnies.  He chases them, barks and bullies, and puts his snout straight down the front doors of their homes.  Oh, it’s an ugly display…

It’s been suggested that Andy is, in fact, a bunnist.  I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt before throwing around such inflammatory terms.  But, admittedly, his actions invite those kinds of words.

Of course, if Andy could talk (and not just make a series of noises with his mouth and throat) he’d tell you there are two sides to the story.

He’d point out that he’s a herding animal, bred to be especially territorial.  And the bunny community, knowing this, are being provocative in their actions.  It’s one thing to occasionally enter the no-fly zone, but quite another to set up a full-blown bunny village underneath the shrubs in front of our house.

bordercollieAndy would argue that he’s no bunnist, he’s merely protecting the sovereignty of his “nation.”  If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything with a faggoty little cotton tail, he’d say.

I have observed this conflict close-up and can sympathize with both sides, Mr. Carter.

Andy is certainly ferocious, and probably guilty of using excessive force.  But the bunnies are unnecessarily provocative, in my estimation.  They enter our dog’s domain at will, and inflame him by bouncing across the front lawn with impunity.  Knowing that Andy is limited in his response by international law (a latched screen door), the bunnies seem to mock him in their incessant twitching, and lying around like fur-bags of aggravation.

I’m aware the bunnies were here first, that Andy’s only been ruling this plot of land since late 2001.  But our dog is the current undisputed ruler, and enjoys certain rights.

So, you can see the mess we have on our hands, sir.  And I was hoping you might find a day or two in your busy schedule to travel to Scranton, and mediate the dispute?  It would be a distinct honor.

rabbit1I’m not sure how much time would be required for such talks, but there is a Day’s Inn down the street.  I’d be willing to go in halfs on it with you.  Or, if you prefer, we have a couch that folds-out into a bed in the family room.  It used to have an irritating bar across the middle of it, but I think it was collapsed by an obese uncle several years ago, so you should be good.

We’re looking forward to your response, Mr. President.  I have full confidence that, with your expert help, we’ll be able to build a bridge of tolerance and understanding between Andy and the bunnies.

Sincerely, Jeff
mockable dot org

9 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 May 27
    Nicole permalink

    Excellent, as always, Jeff.

  2. 2009 May 27
    WVGASMAN permalink

    While it is widely recognized that President Carter is the self-proclaimed abiter of all things international (and anything else he can stick his nose into), this particular case may not be to his liking. I think he has an obvious bias against the swimming version of those “fur-bags of aggravation.”

  3. 2009 May 27

    Milldred Lucille, our boxer/hound mutt, is also a bunnist. We have herds of them at our apartment complex and i often have a hard time getting her to do her business because she is too busy with her nose pressed to the ground and chasing them. This morning she pulled me flat on my ass in the wet grass taking off after one. When President Carter is done at your house, will you kindly send to mine? Thanks.

  4. 2009 May 27
    Carla permalink

    Our two dogs (rat terriers) are Bunny assains. I could ship them to Andy’s aid. Trick is they only eat the ass end of the rabbits, leaving the floppy ears, head and upper chest region intact. Like a half eaten gory chocolate bunny. They are however not impervious to the devious squirrel bastards that inhibit our heavily treed three acres. They are relentlessly mocked and criticized by those damn yard rats. Sad but true.

  5. 2009 May 27

    It is plain to see that old Black Lips, like me and many others know the real name for “bunnies”…it is FOOD!

    They are not only food but very tasty food.

    PETA (people eating tasty animals), would like to send a big fat WAY TO GO!!! to Andy. And if you ever are out and catch one, make sure to immediately drag it under a car so you will have time to feast before being stopped by some unknowing human.

  6. 2009 May 27
    Jill permalink

    That was pure hilarity!!!

    QUOTE: …”the bunnies seem to mock him in their incessant twitching, and lying around like fur-bags of aggravation.”


  7. 2009 May 27
    Limey permalink

    Perhaps Andy should lobby until the American taxpayer is forced to fund a heap of myxomatosis to drop on those wascally wabbits?

  8. 2009 May 29
    Jake permalink

    Big Jimbo should be able to help since he is a well known anti-bunnite.

  9. 2009 May 31
    doodude permalink

    I think someone needs a little ‘bailout’, hmmmmmmm!?

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