An Open Letter to the Marketing Assholes for the Revolutionary Wound Closure Device

Hey guys.  This one’s from a gentleman named John – and it’s pretty freakin’ funny if I don’t say so myself.  Hey, I’ve got an idea.  Why don’t you try your hand at a guest mock too?  Or if you haven’t written one in a while, why not write another one?  We’d really appreciate it and your friends will undoubtedly be impressed that you’re affiliated with such a classy site.  You can send it to mockable (at) gmail dot com.  Then we’ll post it (unless it’s about gay nazi sex (and it’s not funny (I have no problem posting stories about hilarious gay nazi sex))) and it will get read by dozens of hundreds of thousands of  people.  Is there a downside?  I think not.  On with the mockin’:

Dear Marketing Assholes for the revolutionary wound closure device DermaCloseRC:

You motherfuckers!!!  I open the goddam mail, I don’t wanna look at a gaping wound!

Let me back up.  I work in the medical field, but I have no medical background.  I’m basically a pencil-pusher that so happens to sort the mail for the office.  We have doctors here, and yes, they get mail.  Sure, there are some medical journals that I’ll flip through to see if there’s anything cool, but not too nightmare inspiring.  The point is that I have to open the magazine to see the carnage.  Have you dipshits ever heard of an envelope?

You see, I was merrily sifting through the mail, you know, because it was the Christmas season and you just do things merrily then, but something caught my eye.  I got to wondering what kind of ad would have a picture of, well, you know when someone makes a mouth out of their thumb and draws eyes on their knuckle?  A literal hand-puppet, of sorts. Upon closer inspection, it’s an open wound that is like a foot and a half across with two of these devices at the top for the “eyes!”  GAH!  And there are something like 10 other similar pictures on this card.  Holy hell!!!  How many unsuspecting eyes have to cross that before it gets to where it’s going?   You people are no better than the pro-lifers that march around with pictures of ground up babies.  I know it’s out there and I don’t need to see it.

You ass-bags showed me a shin cut open from knee to the top of the foot from a gunshot, a belly slit from side to side (that was the puppet) from a bad C-section maybe, and a mudda-fuckin’ diabetic heel injury from Hurricane Katrina that wouldn’t close up (you know, because George Bush don’t like healthy feet).  And you showed all of this and more on your lovely holiday postcard.  I might just mail you guys the contents of my dumbass cat’s litter box, just on principle alone.

Let me ask you something.  Whoever opens and sorts out your mail, let’s say it’s Lisa in accounting.  Would you feel comfortable with her coming across a card touting the latest breakthrough in the treatment of prolapsed dick-holes, including the latest photo from clinical trials?  I didn’t think so.  So, get off your asses, run to Staples and buy a box or two of envelopes and leave me and the countless Postal workers alone with your proud images of amazing wound closures.  You know that’s what makes those crazy shitheads go nuts and shoot up a joint, don’t you?

Thank you for your consideration-

Johnny Dryheaves

p.s. – It’s comforting to see that you have videos on your website of the little bastard in action.  Fun for the whole family!  Go shit in your hat and die.