An Open Request to Organized Religion
Um hi…It’s certainly been a while since we talked. Look, I know you’re probably pissed that I deserted you all those years ago and everything, but I really need a favor. See, well…you still fight evil right? I’m pretty sure you do ’cause I saw this guy on the television one time – he was in a church in Texas, wearing a muscle shirt, breaking handcuffs off his wrists and tearing up telephone books in the name of Jesus. He kept alternating between asking me to mail him money and making idle threats about how he was going to “kick Satan’s butt”. So anyway, if you do still fight evil, I need you to rid the world of one of Satan’s greatest minions. I need you to kill Billy Ray Cyrus.
Normally I’d just ask God for this kind of thing directly, but I think this chore is a little more up your alley, organized religion. See God just smites people…POOF! And they’re gone – it’s quick and painless and justice is done. I think that would have been appropriate if Billy had stopped with the deal he made with the devil for Achy Breaky Heart. Since he went ahead and reupped with Lucifer to unleash his demon spawn into Disney Studios, I need something a little more “organized religion” to make sure the punishment fits the crime. I mean, you’ve been known to bury people alive.
See, I have this 6 year-old daughter and she apparently loves Billy Ray’s “daughter” so she wants to listen to her shitty “music” and watch her shitty “movies.” Well, I’m not the kind of parent that refuses to take an active role in the kid’s life so I watched the “movie” with her. I’ll spare you the full review, organized religion, because I know you’ve got better things to do – but let’s just say that there wasn’t anything in this movie that hadn’t been seen in a Three’s Company episode 30 years ago – and Jack Tripper can act circles around any of these asshats. Further, the movie makes it appear as though people from Tennessee cannot tell that Hannah Montana is not a separate person, but rather Destiny Cyrus in a wig. Add this to the television show, the albums, the tour, the merch and the pictures of Billy Ray hanging out with his half naked teenage daughteresque thing and you’ve got an entire industry that could only be the work of Mephistopheles. I desparately need you to spring into action, organized religion!
Aww, whaddaya mean, no? C’mon organized religion…Remember the Thuggee murders? You were killing 20,000 people a year! I’m just asking you to take out one talentless, soulless shitkicker. Maybe you could do something like the Ad exstirpanda shit from the inquisitions! That would be cool – you could tie him up in ropes and then ad weights until his legs fell off – that’d teach him to try to resurrect his career by releasing shitty Christian country records. Oh, oh – maybe a good old-fashioned Islamist Jihad. I mean, if Billy Ray isn’t an infadel, who is?
Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe you should just do what they do at my place of worship. You could just make fun of his facial hair, choice of clothing and acting skills and then vote to fire the pastor for no particular reason. I guess I’ll leave this thing in your capable hands.
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God has seen the onslaught of Hanna Montana uprisings and he is not pleased. He doesn’t like idol worship. He told me so himself when we were talking about my ex the other day. Seems he’s in a quandary because he said he was not going to do any more mass killings before Armageddon. He did hint that 2012 will be a very interesting year but if you want something done now, you’re going to have to do it yourself. He’ll accept it as a mercy killing, just some flailing sick animal that needs to be put out of its misery.
I had Miley Cyrus over to my house the other night, all hopped up on Dimetapp, and she nuzzled me into a frenzy. I told her that she needed to come back with her mind clear, and she should respect me for this decision. I also lied and told her that I had the Olsen twins here last week for a party and she decided that I was a decent guy. You can read about, if you can believe it, in my blog.
You realize that Hannah Montana exists today
because her mama was in the family way?
Her paw done got his rifle one night
and Billy Ray got quite a fright.
I’ll blow ye te smithereens!”, Cindy’s daddy said.
“Ye better marry my daughter or I’ll take off yer head!”
Well Billy Ray wasn’t smart but he sure loved his hair.
“Ifen I can keep my mullet, I reckon that’s fair.”
So they were wed before little Miley was born.
And a few years later, that mullet got shorn.
Little Miley watched her daddy sing and get paid.
It sounded like hogs sound when they’re gettin laid.
“I can do that too,” she said out loud.
“I’ll sing real pretty and make daddy proud.”
And that folks is the tale of Billy Ray.
How he got his girl in the family way.
How he saved his mullet,
earned food for his gullet,
prostituted his daughter for TeeVee…
God’s getting ready to smite, seems to me.
I had something witty to say. But now I don’t want to because I could never top any of the 3 that are already here.
I am not the greatest at commenting. I can’t always think of something to say, but if something pops into my head, I say it.
That’s what I did with the comment above…
It wasn’t meant to deter anyone from commenting or to try to upstage anyone…
Tammie – do not worry – that comment was exponentially better than the post. Please keep up the good work.