An Opportunity For Both Of Us

2009 June 10
by mockers

charliechaplinDear eBay Corporation,

I’m hoping you can assist me with something here.  I’m not very good with the computers, but believe I have an item that can make both of us a great deal of money.

You see, I got up on Saturday and went into the yard to spread new mulch around our flower beds.  I didn’t shower that morning, because it made no sense to get cleaned-up, then immediately filthy.  Therefore, I was wearing the same pair of white Hanes briefs for nearly 36 straight hours.

And when I finally removed them, and kicked them into the corner of the bathroom, I saw something amazing.  There, burned into the undergarment, was (I hope you’ll excuse the terminology) a large skidmark that looked almost exactly like silent film star Charlie Chaplin!

This required no squinting, or exercising of imagination, mind you.  The likeness was amazing.  There was even subtle shading, and an almost three-dimensional quality to it.

I excitedly called in my wife, who took a look, acted like she was going to vomit, made some crack about my wiping skills, then admitted, “But it really is an uncanny resemblance…”

Then I had my brother come over, held the soiled underwear in front of him, and asked what he saw.  “Hey, that’s Chaplin!” he shouted without prompting.  “It’s a skidmark that looks like goddamn Charlie Chaplin!”

Since then, we’ve been discussing how to proceed.  We considered calling one of the local TV news stations, but decided we’d better have a strategy in place before talking with the press.  My brother told us about people selling unusual novelties on eBay, like the giant Cheeto, etc., and we decided to contact you first.

As mentioned, I don’t have a lot of experience with computers and the world wide cyber web, so I’d very much appreciate your recommendations here.

I realize I’ll need to provide photographs of the foot-tall miracle-stain.  But will a snapshot suffice, or should I make an appointment with Olan Mills?  Please excuse my ignorance, but I know next to nothing about all this.

Please write me back with step-by-step instructions on how I might be able to auction my amazing fouled underwear.

But hurry.  The skidmark seems to be changing color, and losing some of its bite.  My wife doesn’t believe this, she thinks it’s just becoming familiar, because we sit around and stare at it all the time.  But I don’t want to take any chances…

Thank you for your time!  We’re anxiously awaiting your advice and counsel in this matter.

Sincerely, L.L.L. Anderson

P.S.  I almost forgot… Chaplin is portrayed in his “tramp” costume, with cane and bowler cap, in an 11 inch tall/5 inch wide mind-blowing rendering in the seat of my yard work underwear!  It has to be seen to be believed.

6 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 June 10

    I am scared. I could help you with this, but should I?
    Olan Mills? RU serious??
    We know hold slivers of brished metal
    called cameras that are 12 pixel-channels.
    We need no stinking chain photographers.

    But a pic is needed.
    After that. Well THEN I will make my decision on worthiness.

    My daughter was sorting laundry
    and took a closer look at her brother’s “shorts”
    because she thought she saw a “hole”
    (I have her trained to throw out non washable garments)

    It was a circular skid. LMMFAO.
    She is still recovering.
    My poor birdie.

  2. 2009 June 10
    Buck permalink

    I would suggest tossing the unmentionable into the ice box. Everything is much better preserved when it’s frozen. Just clear out a space between the popsicles and the human head and place it in there for safe keeping.

    Buck Out

  3. 2009 June 10

    Oddly enough, one of Chaplin’s most beloved films was “The Little Skidmark.”

  4. 2009 June 10
    Joe T. permalink

    Maybe your butt crack is an emerging artist. Keep up the good work!

  5. 2009 June 10
    Knucklehead permalink

    Check ’em out today – maybe you have a The Rorschach Test in there!

  6. 2009 June 10

    Is Olan Friggin’ Mills still in business? I think that is more of a shock than a Chaplin-esque skidmark!

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