Angry White Guy Special: An Open Letter to Carnie Wilson

2010 February 18
by mockers

Dear Carnie Wilson:

Seriously, I understand that being the daughter of a crazy man like Brian Wilson may have molded you into the annoying butterball you have been, then not, then were again, but I really need to express how I feel about you.

You and your sister, and that really hot blonde chick (Phillip?), somehow parlayed your singing talents into a somewhat successful musical abortion known as Wilson Phillips. You endured the stigma of being the fat one, but you just maniacally laughed it off in interviews and counted your money. Then, you went away, and I was happy that I would not have to see your frying pan face again.

Then, since fellow overeater actress Ricki Lake had her own talk show, you threw your size eleven hat into the ring and followed suit. It was called CARNIE! The exclamation point was a nice touch, but you lasted about as long as a cow in a lake of piranhas, which should have led you to realize that most people could not stand you. For a brief time, you made me happy, and went away again.

Then you got your pie shaped face out there again and had an internetally (I made that word up myself) broadcast stomach staple surgery. You lost 150 pounds, and they didn’t have to cut off your head to get those results. Then you went away, again, bringing me hope that I had seen the last of you. But no! Then you came back, posed for some ridiculous Playboy pictures. Who told you that ANYONE wanted to see you in Playboy? That landed you a somewhat gay husband, even though you decided that you were a lesbian when you were a teenager. Then, you rode that wave out of town. I don’t know where you went, but the buffet caught up with you, and you came back. To Celebrity Fit Club, no less. You vowed to get back in shape again and pose for Playboy again, even though no one asked you to. Then you went away again.

Why won’t you fucking stay away? Somehow, you got Bob Eubanks’ old job. Bob is the ONLY host of the Newlywed Game in my opinion, and it should always be that way until Bob passes on to Game Show Host Heaven. Just like Richard Dawson should be the only host of Family Feud. Look what happened to Ray Combs. Get the picture, Carnie? What’s next—Steve Harvey will be the new host (Oh, wait, that’s fucking happening!) Upon getting Bob’s job, Carnie said “My personality and energy is perfect for something like this. First of all, I’m married, and I loved watching The Newlywed Game when I was younger. I watched it all the time.” Therefore….my knowledge of Tom Seaver would inevitably allow me to strike out Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez back to back. Therefore… knowledge of John Holmes….Okay, never mind.

You are only annoying, not funny. You are only loud, not talented. But you didn’t stop there. Now, as if ANYFUCKINGBODY cares, we have now been blessed, on GSN (why?) with a reality show about YOU, your gay husband, your two future high school dropouts and your money problems to go along with your calorie intake problems. I don’t know what type of voodoo you used to suck my wife into this show, but she CAN’T FUCKING MISS IT! I was happy to get a wide-screen TV for Christmas, but I didn’t know your wide-screen ass was going to come with it. So you’re broke. Where did all the Wilson Phillips money go Carnie? The Playboy money? The Newlywed Game money? Oh wait, you just turned around. I see where it went.

Sure, there are other people I would like to see go away. Jay Leno. Deion Sanders. Gene Simmons. But not nearly as much as I would like to see you sent to Antarctica. But you would probably figure out a way to get a show filmed there about you, too.

I pray for you to go away. Hopefully things will go my way, if I hold on for one more day….hold on for one more day.

12 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 February 18

    Bravo, AWG! I hope you get your wish and she does go the hell away.

  2. 2010 February 18

    On second thought, now I have that damn song stuck in my head. It kind of makes me want to donkey punch you.

  3. 2010 February 18
    WB in OH permalink

    I laughed my ass off AWG, but I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t mention Heart. After a little Wiki research I had my answer. Different fat Wilson sister. Ignorance is bliss!

  4. 2010 February 18

    What is the deal with no-talent fuckwads getting celebreality shows? Why would anyone in their right mind want to watch the daily life of someone like Carnie or the Kardashian losers or whoever-the-fuck-else. These shows are unfunny and uninteresting, why is it that wives seem to be attracted to them like Metten to lesbians?

  5. 2010 February 18

    Standing ovation!
    Maybe she and Rosie Odongle can get together and go away.

  6. 2010 February 18

    AWG you rock. I see people on TV who are supposed to be celebs and I have no idea who they are. What is the definition of celebrity these days?

  7. 2010 February 18

    You forgot about the show on MTV where she was trying to be the next country star along with Bobbi Brown, Marsha Brady, and bunched of other washed up fucks!

  8. 2010 February 19
    Vicki permalink

    You sure do know a right smart about Carnie Wilson.

  9. 2010 June 30
    Tony permalink

    Why can’t she accept that she is just a “big” girl? Doesn’t her family have a history of addictions? Uncle Denny what, used drugs and liquor. Her Dad, food.

  10. 2012 April 9
    Mikey permalink

    FUCKING HILARIOUS. Your one liners are brilliant, and they are TRUTH!!! Bravo man!

  11. 2014 December 29
    StevieRocks permalink

    So Brilliant. I just came here because I just saw her on CHOPPED. Ugh. So annoying and NOT funny. You, on the other hand, are hilarious! She makes me so uncomfortable. Cringeworthy.

  12. 2015 November 12

    Sooo funny!!! I just saw her fat annoying ass on a car insurance commercial along with that other idiot that would just go away, Flo or Jo or Moe or whatever the fuck her name is. So i Googled “FAT CARNIE WILSON” and that’s how i found this lol 5 years old and still hilarious!!!

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