Annoying Neighbors? Yep, That’s a Mocking…

2011 June 29
by mockers

  I used to write a weekly “comedy” article called “And For No Apparent Reason” for a cool little website that is no longer with us.  I basically picked a topic almost at random, did a google search and mocked the results.  Since these don’t exist anywhere except the wayback machine anymore, and my real life is making it impossible for me to be “funny,” I thought I would share this little article that I wrote way back in 2005.  The google search term was “annoying neighbor” and my comments are in blue.  Hope you like it.  I also hope I am back next week with something new.  Love – metten 

 I recently relocated to quaint Emmitsburg, MD. Population: me, my fiancé at the time, my annoying neighbor with the mange kid, the town drunk,
the guy who backed into my car at the post office, my landlords who own the local liquor store, and a handful of other useless rednecks. That’s it.•        Depending on how many people constitute a ‘handful’, I am curious as to why such a place would have a post office.  Let’s talk about mange kids for a second:  My annoying neighbors have three kids – the boy is frequently home from school due to expulsion and once told me a story of his positive experiences doing community service at “a horse place”.  The older girl is somehow relatively smart but she is a victim of circumstance, she doesn’t bother us too much unless she is in cahoots with the other two.  There is no nice way to say this – the younger daughter is a retard.  I once came home from work to find her sitting in the front yard all by herself with her legs crossed, screaming the lyrics to the ‘Head Start’ theme song.  My neighbors don’t wear shoes.  They don’t care if it’s the middle of winter or if the pavement is 115 degrees.  They are dirty and they smell.  I don’t remember what age I happened to be when I started getting b.o. and had to don the deodorant, but these kids are way past whatever age it is.  The little shits have fashioned what was once our beautiful large cobblestone porch into nothing more than a prop – a platform of annoyance.  No matter what we are doing, if we try to do it on the front porch, the kids will run from their yard into ours and parade up the steps onto the porch and take part in whatever we’re doing, all the while peppering us with little factoids like, “If you swallow your gum, it will clog your lower liver.”  I know they are children and I know that the way adults treat them will affect the outcome of their lives, and I’m ashamed to admit this – but I hate them.  I often find myself looking forward to the day that they become problem adolescents and run away to the big city.  It’ll probably never happen – they’ll stay there, cook meth and blow up the whole damn block.

And apparently my annoying neighbor has given his door code to these high schoolers so he could no doubt molest them or something. So now I get these puck ass kids smoking in my stairwell and in the common area hanging around waiting for some overweight, ugly, leather skinned, too-old-to-be-wearing-those-clothes loser to get them their drugs.When did I become a bitter old senior citizen? (ed – this site is now gone, but it used to be the blog of a gay Filipino software engineer from San Diego)•        Throughout my years, I have always found that the best source for reliable information on how to deal with just about any problem is the 23 year old gay Filipino software engineer.  I’ll tell you what, the matriarch next door is enough to make anyone move to San Diego…and become gay.  She has a voice designed for outdoor theater in the 1800’s.  She can often be heard wailing at her children from deep inside the  ouse.  Everyone knows that if your kids are juvenile delinquents, the only way to deal with them is to scream louder.  Her charm is completed by her incredible wardrobe.  She happens to be about 6 inches shorter than me and about the same weight (and I’m a fat guy).  Most of the time she can be seen wearing about a yard worth of fabric over her massive udders and lower torso.  I’ve always meant to snap a picture of her during one of her fat, naked attempts at installing ‘yard art’ to accompany this article, but I’ve always been too afraid that I would get caught in the act and she would get mad and dispatch her kids to come try and set my house on fire – AGAIN – so no pictures.  What a woman…I got married way too soon.

We had neighbors from hell for 3 years until we said fuck it and moved in July. It was pretty bad, barking dogs CONSTANLY, loud music, and the woman had a bad attitude that was so bad when I had to call the cops on her music she told me to “go ahead my husband is a cop, he will take care of it” which the cop on the phone heard so that was a interesting day.

We also had a second neighbor who loved his Harley and diesel tow truck and rebuilt Monte Carlo with extra loud muffler so much, he would let them idle in the drive way for hours at a time, and I swear to you, he let all 3 idle at the same time at times.  The Harley he loved so much he would let it idle in the drive way for an hour, then ride up and down the street 2 or 3 blocks and let it idle in the drive for 30 mins before he put it away….So I know what BS is when dealing with others…..•        The man of the house must’ve moved up here from Florida after forcing this guy out of his home.  He is a replacement.  Despite the fact  that he once gave me advice on how to defraud the city into buying me “a really nice deep freeze or something like that” the original dad was  actually kind of cool.  He worked nights so there wasn’t much noise during the night, and if the kids were too loud during the day and woke him up, there would be hell to pay.  This was a nice feature considering my wife also works nights.  Once Dad was tragically killed in a car accident, all bets were off.  After a few weeks of mourning, the new guy moved in.  This guy should be the pitchman for Pabst Blue Ribbon.  Skinny, wife-beater and do-rag wearer who constantly works on his truck and screams obscenities at this ‘family’ whenever they do anything.  I can see the relief on his face when my family tries to come out on the front porch because the kids come running to our place and leave him alone to bang
wrenches, cuss and dream about Jeff Foxworthy.  We gotta get out of there…

Okay the results are in and it’s official.  People hate their neighbors.  Thanks to the Internet, we all know about it – except the neighbors.  God forbid any of us should address the problem at its source.

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