As Long As I’m Waxing Semantic
It's technically a cracker, rather than a cookie. It generally gives advice, rather than fortunes.
Here we go again with the semantics. Hopefully this time the British guy will shut up and let the Americans who invented Chinese quisine figure this one out. Okay first, the definition of the word ‘Fortune’:
for tune [fawr-chuh
n]—Idiom 12. tell someone’s fortune, to profess to inform someone of future events in his or her own life; foretell.
So the word means to foretell the future events of one’s life.
So far so good. Now cookie:
cook ie [kook-ee]–noun a small cake made from stiff, sweet dough rolled and sliced or dropped by spoonfuls on a large, flat pan (cookie sheet) and baked.
It is my understanding that the “fortune cookie” recipe is actually based on a traditional Japanese cracker ((Senbei (alternative spellings sembee, sembei, senbee) are Japanese crackers, made from rice. They come in various shapes, sizes, and flavors, usually savory but sometimes sweet. Senbei are often eaten with green tea as a casual snack and offered to visiting house guests as a courtesy refreshment.)
Okay…so now it’s a fortune cracker. At least they provide fortunes, right? Wait…what’s that about the fortunes? They do foretell future events, right?
Okay, here are 10 randomly chosen fortune cookies:
10) The gambler is like the fisherman both have beginners luck.
- Poorly punctuated, doesn’t foretell anyone’s future and isn’t particularly funny.
9) Your ability to accomplish tasks will follow with success.
- Your ability to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide shall keep you alive. At least it’s a fortune.
8 ) You need to live authentically, and you can’t ignore that.
- This is advice…not a fortune. Followed by motherish demands. I can, and will, ignore whatever I want bitches.
7) Do not be overly judgemental of your loved one’s intentions or actions.
- Stop telling me what to do, fuckass!
6) Consume less. Share more. Enjoy life.
- At least the hippie that regularly harasses me is cute. Goddamnit you demanding cracker, you’re not the boss of me! In the immortal voice of Rage Against the Machine – “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me!”
5) Present your best ideas today to an eager and welcoming audience.
- Again…this is direction, not a fortune. Where the hell am I gonna find ‘an eager and welcoming audience’? Did anyone ever bother to tell them that these are fortune crackers?
4) It is better to be the hammer then the anvil.
- Wait…how do I become the hammer? How to I avoid being the anvil? What the fuck?! This is worse than direction! It’s friggin’ observation! It’s an observation cracker!
3) May you have great luck.
- Foretell the future events of my life? You just handed me a cracker that says, “good luck buddy”. Ridiculous.
2) Keep your feet on the ground even though friends flatter you.
- Who are you? Kasey Kasem? Advice, an erroneous observation (I have no friends) and complete lack of fortune.
1) Teamwork: the fuel that allows common people attain uncommon results.
- Ahhhh! You sons of bitches! This is cliche Tony Robbins bullshit! There’s nothing even resembling a fortune in this cracker-assed cracker! These were chosen randomly and there’s only one fortune in the bunch.
I’ve just about friggin’ had it. I think I’m gonna go into the fortune cracker business. Here’s a few off the top of my head:
1) You will make it all the way through the day without cheating on your diet. You will then wake up in the middle of the night and shamelessly devour your children’s candy.
2) You will break down and begin dating that smelly fat guy because you’re lonely and sad. So friggin’ lonely. So friggin’ sad.
3) Immediately after this year’s company picnic, you will find your lips wrapped around a strange and mysterious penis.
4) You will always be fat. Go ahead and eat this fortune cracker.
5) Your daughter will open your mail, get the account number to her college savings account, clean it out and buy meth with the money.
6) You will play the lottery twice a week. You will never win more than a free ticket. Your coworkers will always hate you because you continuously talk about what you’ll do with the winnings.
Of course, those are just off the top of my head. I could go on for days.
This is the part of the show where I invite you to suggest sayings in the comments that we can use in future line of “Mockable Fortune Crackers”. Unfortunately, I just googled “novelty fortune cookies” and saw 1100 results. Ours are gonna have to be funnier than the rest. You guys got anything good?
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“Please read other side.” (On both sides of course)
-or-
“Shove this up yer arse right now and receive one million dollars!”
It’s “cuisine” not “quisine”, you fuckwit colonist.
Mockingly,
The English Guy.
In the immortal words of Homer Simpson (during his gig as a Fortune Cookie writer):
“You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial”
Fan-freaking-tastic! And true.
Heroism is endurance for one moment more. You were definitely brave to attack fortune crackers. Kinda like a fig newton, is it a cookie or is it a cake?
…and here’s your fortune: You will write more mockables to make up for this one.
Wow. That’s not like me. Of course I know how to spell cuisine. I suppose I have no choice but to admit that I am a fuckwit. I’m not technically a colonist, but who cares?
Oh, and sorry about the penis thingy…
You can add the words “in bed” to the ass end of any fortune and it’ll make sense.
OK, here’s my top 10 list of fortunes:
10. If you sneak out now, we won’t tell.
9. She’s just not not into you.
8. The wait staff are secretly laughing at you.
7. Do you think you had enogh many trips to the buffet
6. Small cookies come in plastic packages.
5. The guy sitting behind you just farted.
4. If you get two fortunes in your cookie, you get to choose.
3. No fortune means you just got screwed.
2. A relative will send you money, call your mom.
1. This fortune cookie is utterly useless.
I know, crappy selection but thats all I got.
You will be so overcome by endless news of a celebrity death that you will pitch your laptop under a semi.
The fortune should be the address of the nearest Wendy’s because you know you’ll be hungry again soon.
Odd but true, there are 2 main U.S. manufacturers of the fortune slips and they both have the same typos since Company A stole all Company B’s fortunes, letter for letter.
A few that I think are appropriate for Mockers Fortune Crackers:
– Someone will pay $49.50 to have you personally mocked.
– You will produce a guest mock that very few people will read, and even less will find amusing.
– Someone will cut you off on your drive to home tonight. You will use profanity.
– You will make some tea and have it with biscuits. Limey queer.
– You have the winning MegaBucks ticket in your pocket right now, but so do 9 other people, so you’ll have to split the winnings with those miserable bastards.
– You will be constipated for three days, but then it will clear. In a horrible toilet-busting ass-plosion.
– You will lose your job, but then get a new one. Which pays less than the last one and doesn’t have good benefits.
– You will flog the dolphin tonight watching a late nite Cinemax offering.
quizeen??
1. Your botox treatments will fool no one.
2. Inspected by Number 12.
3. No one will ever see that video involving you, your girlfriend, two of her friends, a small monkey, and a fire extinguisher. No, really.
4. Your firstborn son will wear girls’ jeans and eyeliner, and not in an ironic way.
5. Dave’s not here.
6. No! We no see cat of yours. No more ask please.
7. Your heirs will remember you by getting in a violent dispute over who gets your golf clubs, and never speak to each other again.
8. You will meet a mysterious, young, handsome, wealthy, and well-educated stranger on the Internet. Who will turn out to be a 58-year-old pedophile in a halfway house.
9. So’s the 17-year-old cheerleader who wants you to talk dirty while she fingers herself.
10. Michael Bay’s next movie will also suck.