At the Ghost Hunter’s 20 Year Class Reunion

Okay wait, let me get this straight…you go to places where people died in some historically significant or especially grisly fashion and then spend 22 minutes hollering into the air while someone films it with a night vision camera?  No…No, I think I get it.  You do your best to spend a few minutes providing a poor excuse for exposition about the significant event or grisly death and then you pretend that you felt a “cold hand on your shoulder.”  You do this in front of cameras and then somebody edits everything in the spookiest way possible and provides a few well-placed sound effects.  Wow.  Well, I guess we can say that you’re the only one here with a t.v. show.

It’s not that simple, you say?  You’re a “Paranormal Investigator?”  Really?  You use all sorts of high-tech gadgetry to prove that the spirits really did yell, “Gimme some Hormel chili!” that one time?  That’s fascinating.  So you’re something of a scientist huh? 

No, I didn’t mean it that way.  I certainly apologize.  It was just a turn of phrase.  I was not attempting to insinuate that you were some sort of pseudo-scientist or anything less than a full-fledged scientist.  I mean, how could I?  You’re a t.v. paranormal investigator whose adventures are narrated by Mike Rowe for some reason.  Of course you’re a real scientist.

So you have a team of other paranormal investigators, right?  Other scientists who also run around proclaiming to be, “So freaked out right now…”, I assume?  I am curious as to how they were chosen.  Did you all go to paranormal investigator school together? Oh, your partner’s got a degree in kinesiology, you say?  I’m sure that would be helpful when chasing ghosts. Remember our gym teacher?  Mr. Schneering?  The guy that yelled at us to make sure that we “showered up good” after class?  Remember how he taught us how to examine our balls for testicular cancer?  He had that set of fake balls and held them up and made us watch while he fondled them?  Does your partner ever do anything like that while you’re hunting ghosts?

What do you wear while you’re making your super scientific field notes that consist of, “Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!?”  You wear black boots, black pants, a tight black t-shirt manufactured by the Under Armor corporation and a black stocking cap?  That sounds like a pretty serious scientist’s outfit.  Are ghosts attracted to black or are you some sort of paramilitary emo-scientist?

Okay, okay, okay…I’m sorry.  You’re right.  Please calm down.  You’re the accomplished scientist with the t.v. show.  What’s that?  What do I know about science?  Who am I to make light of your extremely serious paranormal research?  I’m nobody really.  Just an actual medical doctor who spent a decade at an accredited institution learning how to perform actual research who now works with a team of other researchers in an effort to cure cancer. I wouldn’t know anything about the serious science that is paranormal research. 

I am actually happy for you and I hope that your scientific television show gets you all the ghost hunter groupies you’ve ever wanted.  The only thing that does bother me a little is that your t.v. show has a larger budget than my lab.  But, I suppose that society has its priorities.  Can I get you some punch?