At the Playground, Ya Know?

2009 May 4
by mockers

It seems like a guy can hardly swing a dead cat these days without hitting some story about the evils of childhood obesity.  It’s always the same old crap- “We’ve got to get little Johnny outside and get him active.”  They never talk about what the kids are supposed to do when they’re outside beyond “run around” and “get some fresh air and exercise”.  Somebody needs to publish a study on how we can make outside activities less friggin’ boring.  For example, this is a playground apparatus that allows kids to enjoy such wonderful outdoor activities as “standing there” and “math”:


By contrast, this is “Crackdown”, the debut release from Realtime Worlds.  It allows kids to be a laboratory-created super agent with superhuman strength, extreme agility, incredible fire-power and more.


Here’s yet another thrilling outdoor activity:


I mean what kid would ever want to pretend that they were deployed to Kijuju, Africa, to partner up with Sheva Alomar and apprehend Ricardo Irving, who is attempting to sell viruses on the black market when they can spin a plastic cube in an effort to get three consecutive x’s or o’s?  Oh well, I’m sure this next one will get the kids’ imagination going:


That’s right, it’s a space ship!  The kids can spend all day hanging out behind the blue piece of plastic reinacting the moon launch.  They might even make a friend and then put their fist up to their adorable little mouth and say, “Psht! Pilot to Co-Pilot, watch out for those asteroids over there!  Psht!”  Then when there’s trouble, they can eject down the slide!  That should keep them busy for hours!  Because, you know…there’s a picture of a space ship on the side of the thing. 

Or they could go play Dead Space.  The game that said  “might possibly be the most nerve-rattling, atmosphere-swallowing survival game of this generation”.


Don’t worry parents.  The playground has one more sure fire ace in the hole:


You know, maybe we should just get used to having fat kids…

6 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 May 4
    hardoxdan permalink

    How about having a BB gun war at the cemetery? We used to get about 10 kids, put on 3 layers of clothing including safety goggles and hard hats my dad brought home from work and blast the shit out of each other. High powered pellet guns hurt like hell even if you have on 3 pairs of pants. Good fun for ages 8 to 12.
    Video games better than that? No.

    Or, what ever happened to playing doctor out in the woods? Best game on earth for ages 8 to 12, or so.

    Skinny dipping in Buffalo Creek in the summer is best game on earth for ages 13 to 18. Be sure to bring a cooler of beer and some weed for better results. Internet porn better than that? No way.

  2. 2009 May 4

    BB gun war? We took it a step further with roman candles and bottle rockets!

    Sure TV say’s to get kids outside, but in the next breath they also say Ted Bundy’s nephew is trolling your community ready to snatch them up and do ungodly things to them.

  3. 2009 May 4
    hardoxdan permalink

    Quiet in here. You all shy?
    By the way, LAST.

  4. 2009 May 5

    When I was a kid there would be one token fatty in the neighborhood. Affectionally known as Porky or Piggy. Now everywhere you look there are pudgy little pantloads iwaddling about. Their legs looking like Easter hams.

    It’s no wonder playgrounds aren’t fun anymore. We live in a nanny state where safety trumps fun every time. There is nothing sadder than kids riding their bikes in some suburban neighborhood with their helmets and various other protective gear. If you’re racing in the Tour De France wear a helmet. If you’re peddling around the neighborhood on a bicycle with training wheels, no.

  5. 2009 May 5
    Jason Borne permalink

    Nothing beats a raisin in a Wrist-Rocket (wrist supported sling shot made of surgical tubing) we’d have purple marks LOOOOOONG after the bruises and welts were gone. And if you weren’t fast enough, you could always hit the “Fat Kid”. That poor bastard would come to school all jacked up from raisins impacting his rotundness at the speed of sound.

  6. 2009 June 1

    I LOVE IT!

    GD great blog…

    Found you through Twitter of all places.


Leave a Reply

Note: You can use basic XHTML in your comments. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS