Cats Are Not Our Friends

2009 March 27
by mockers

evilcatExcept for small pockets of Appalachia, where folks apparently live with chickens and the occasional head of livestock, most of us keep cats and/or dogs as household pets.

Personally, I’ve always been partial to dogs.  They’re loyal and friendly, and make wonderful companions.  There’s nothing like coming home from a stressful workday, and being greeted by a big, goofy, tail-wagging, happy-as-shit mutt.  They have the power to brighten even the darkest of days.

Cats, on the other hand, baffle me.  I sincerely don’t understand the attraction.

“Independent” is the word apologists use, and it’s code for aloof, uncaring, disdainful, and superior.  Cats walk around on their tip-toes all day, shooting dirty looks and believing they’re better than everyone else.  It’s like willingly living with the French, and why in God’s name would anyone want to do that?

Yeah, come home to a cat after a hard day at the office, and it’ll just look down its abbreviated snout at you, from over on the windowsill.  They don’t care, they think you deserve it.  If self-loathing and personal doubt could somehow spring to life, it would very likely be a tabby.

Sure, they sometimes do that figure-eight thing around your feet, and that’s kind of cute.  But it’s a con.  They’re not displaying genuine affection, they just want something from you.  Probably food.  I’ve dated girls like that before, and it’s pissing me off just thinking about it.

Cats also shit indoors, usually inside their own dedicated store-bought shitting box.  Talk about arrogant!  Dogs just crap in the yard, or on the neighbors’ driveway, and that’s that.  No special equipment required.  They wouldn’t be caught dead standing inside an open-top defecation pod.  I mean, seriously.

Cats are also pretty creepy.  You always feel like there’s more going on with them, than meets the eye.

I lived with a woman years ago who owned a feline sack o’ ticks — which just goes to show what some guys are willing to endure for, um, love — and I’d sometimes wake up with that thing sitting on my chest.  It would be staring at me, unblinking, with an expression that said, “The only reason you’re still alive is because of a decision I made.”

No, cats are not my idea of a good time.  I’d never harm one, of course, but don’t really want to be around them, either.  Because dogs are a man’s best friend, and cats are a New Orleans voodoo queen with ulterior motives.

19 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 March 27

    You always hear about people being allergic to cats…but never dogs…

  2. 2009 March 27

    Seeing eye cats are useless. That is unless the blind person wants to sit in one spot most of the day then suddenly jump up and run across the bookshelf, only to end up atop the couch. Useless.

  3. 2009 March 27

    You don’t know mMYcats – both of which are sweet, affectionate and follow me around like dogs – but I don’t ever have to take them for a walk! Of course they are voodoo queens with ulterior motives as compared to dogs; they are way more intelligent! ‘Nuff said.

    Love this site so far. Congrats to you both!

  4. 2009 March 27

    And BTW: that cat you have there looks just like both of mine.

  5. 2009 March 27

    Seeing eye cats are useless. That is unless the blind person wants to sit in one spot most of the day then suddenly jump up and run across the bookshelf, only to end up atop the couch. Useless.

    Or if they wanted to play in traffic and get amusement from people slamming on their brakes to avoid them.

  6. 2009 March 27

    I’ve met both of Kenju’s cat’s. Don’t let her fool you; they’re as evil as Satan, but with softer fur.

    I have two cats, and have decided cats have three thoughts in their vocabulary: Want, fear, and disdain. Come to think of it, that IS like most women I’ve dated…

  7. 2009 March 27
    Lauren permalink

    I couldn’t agree more. Cats are evil.

    Want some proof?

  8. 2009 March 27
    Zazu permalink

    I have cats and dogs so I can comment on both. My dogs are lovable goofs who sometimes poop the rug and make a career of chewing everything.

    My cats are silky soft bundles of fluff that sit on my lap soothing me with their wonderful purring until they decide to draw blood with the casual flick of a well aimed claw.

    I have the best (and worst) of both…

  9. 2009 March 27
    Taiwan On permalink

    Extra special funny. Dogs have great karma, except the ones that bark incessantly.

  10. 2009 March 27
    Nezrite permalink

    I prefer dogs, but then I read this statistic today: 86,000 people a year trip over their pets, and 88% of those tripper-pets are dogs. Is it that cats know enough to get the hell out of your way? I personally have an effed-up right arm, shoulder, neck and back from a middle-of-the-night return trip from the throne room that ended in me sprawled beside my bed and a confused Rottweiler wondering when exactly I’d get out of his way and let him get back to sleep.

  11. 2009 March 27
    mountie9wv permalink

    When those cats are doing those figure eights and being all purrly (that’s a word), they are really wiping their ass on your pants. Watch closely next time. Heathens, I say.

  12. 2009 March 28
    Currage permalink

    I find it odd that most cat people argue this observation by saying, “Oh, my cat is different!”. They don’t argue the general stereotype of cats. They just think that they have some miraculous animal that looks like a cat but acts like a dog. How special!

  13. 2009 March 28

    I’ve had both as pets and love both as pets.

    Good luck on the new site!

    It’s not been my experience that cats aren’t affectionate. Mine have always greeted me at the door when I come home.
    Our one cat kept vigil at my father’s side as he slowly slipped away from us.

    The only one that was a bit standoffish had been abused by a previous owner.

    I do find it odd that people that label themselves as cat people love dogs too.
    But many dog people dispise cats.

    Have whatever pet floats your boat. They really add a lot to our lives.

  14. 2009 March 28
    Ratrace permalink

    A comment on the whole site though the Madonna mock should have it’s own, what a feak job! I love this site, mocking those that need it is absolutely essential! One wish would be that those of us that are not the “professional” mockers ought to be allowed to do our own mockage of those that need mocking, sort of a readers contribution mock link, whatcha think?

    Salem, Oregon

  15. 2009 March 29

    Cats are amusing, the three minutes a day they’re awake.

    Dogs are amusing, as long as the garbage can is under lock and key.

    Both shed, shit, and get in your way. To me, it’s a toss-up.

  16. 2009 March 30
    Mister Tindall permalink

    I know my cat plots against me. I can see it in his eyes.

    I can see that when he’s licking himself, he’s really thinking about how delicious his revenge against me will be. I know this is all my fault, but how was I supposed to know that shooting him with rubber bands while he was a sleeping kitten would make him grow up to be such a monster?

    I now know what I must do. The real question is, General Tso’s or Kung Pao?

  17. 2009 March 30
    Jill permalink

    “….like living with the French” – LMAO!!!!

  18. 2009 March 31

    Agree with everything, but I’ve experienced something that’s not in the write-up which happened to me (again) about a year ago.

    Friend of mine has (what I have to admit is) a BEAUTIFUL cat (Abyssinian). She wandered over to me, meandering as she approached, so I put my hand out. She gave it a dab of “cat face juice”, and rubbed her side against my hand. I gave her a little scratch behind the ears, around the neck – all things I’ve experienced to be likable to cats. We were getting along swimmingly until all of a sudden, she just lost her shit and bit me. Suddenly, we were “done”.

    Sorry, can’t tolerate a species that can turn on you like that. A dog (usually) needs to feel threatened or cornered, but at least they will growl before unleashing (so to speak) hell.

    And, yes, sick of people with their “you don’t know MY cat”. Yes, I do. Tens of millions of years of evolution didn’t spin of a custom version for you. It’s the same animal.

  19. 2009 April 8
    Mike permalink

    Cats are by far the manliest of housepets. Male cats, in particular, sleep most of the day and run around most of the night, hunting, fighting, and chasing…er, female cats. If they drank beer, they would be guys. And, really, you can’t fault them for preferring herbal refreshment. Don’t you listen to Pure Prairie League? (“You’re better with a joint than with a drink, I think.”)
    Female cats have many of the same attributes, plus they’re sluts.

    Cats are more complicated than dogs, it’s true, but much lower maintenance. You don’t have to follow them down the street with a baggie, just clean their litter box 2-3 times a week. One of mine never did get the hang of the litter box. His was a different kind of intelligence–a special kind. He was clever enough to figure out what people did in the little room that smelled funny, afterwards, but it never occurred to him that we were pooping in the drinking bowl. So he used the shower. Kind of a revolting discovery, but you soon look to look before you step, and it wasn’t hard to clean up. Besides, he mostly used the neighbors’ flower beds.

    Cats are generally drawn to the most sedentary person in the household.
    I respect that about them, although it can be a little troublesome to get up to go to the bathroom or get a snack from the fridge when you are all covered up in a pile of cats. But if you wait awhile, they usually wander off.

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