Caveboy Monday: An Interview With My Beagle
(Note: Her name has been changed to protect her identity)
Me: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me this morning.
Beagle: No problem. I’ve got a few minutes before I have to start licking my ass.
Me: You been with me now for three years, correct?
Beagle: You tell me you fucking moron. You’re the one that brought me here.
Me: You’re right, how stupid of me to forget.
Beagle: Don’t mention it. Idiot.
Me: What has been one of the good about being here?
Beagle: Well the food has been steady and sleeping inside is pretty cool.
Me: What do you think about your house mate, Tinker.
Beagle: That neurotic little bitch.
Me: True, she is a little high strung.
Beagle: High strung my ass. She makes Robin Williams when he was tooting a pound of coke a day look like Ben Stein.
Me: It’s not that bad.
Beagle: You don’t have a fucking clue how bad it is. You don’t know what she’s like when you and that lady that lives here leave.
Me: What do you mean?
Beagle: All she does is run around the house screaming “They’re never coming back, they’re never coming back!! We’re gonna starve!!
Me: Really?
Beagle: Oh, and if you happen to be gone when it gets dark then the fun really begins.
Me: How so?
Beagle: First she runs around the house making sure all the windows and doors are locked, then she gets her pistol out and makes sure it’s loaded.
Me: Wait a minute, she has a pistol?
Beagle: Don’t freak out, it’s just a little one and whatever you do don’t tell her I told you about it.
Me: Okay. But I need to look in to this.
Beagle: Do what you think, but man be careful, she is damn touchy about that thing. She won’t even let me look at it.
Me: Enough of that, let’s change the subject. Is there anything else you would like to talk about?
Beagle: The food.
Me: What about the food, you said you liked it.
Beagle: No I didn’t, I said it was steady. How about some of the good stuff in the can. This dry shit is starting to hurt my teeth.
Me: Okay, we’ll look in to that. Anything else?
Beagle: Yeah, why did I have to have a hysterectomy?
Me: Huh? Oh, why did we have you spayed? Well, so you couldn’t come in heat and have puppies.
Beagle: Oh, so you’re god now. Deciding who can have kids. What’s next, you going to decide when I take the dirt nap!
Me: Enough already!
Beagle: Sorry, I got a little carried away.
Me: I understand. Well I see you are staring at your ass so I guess you have got to get busy. Thanks for your time.
Beagle: Don’t slurp slurp slurp mention slurp slurp slurp
remember nuthins free so send money
caveboy out
I like to go down to the pound and pretend to find my dog. Then I tell them, “Go ahead and kill it. I’ve already given all of his stuff away.”