Caveboy Monday: An Interview With My Beagle

An Interview With My Beagle

(Note: Her name has been changed to protect her identity)

 Me: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me this morning. 

Beagle:  No problem.  I’ve got a few minutes before I have to start licking my ass. 

Me:  You been with me now for three years, correct? 

Beagle:  You tell me you fucking moron.  You’re the one that brought me here. 

Me:  You’re right, how stupid of me to forget. 

Beagle:  Don’t mention it.  Idiot. 

Me:  What has been one of the good about being here? 

Beagle:  Well the food has been steady and sleeping inside is pretty cool. 

Me:  What do you think about your house mate, Tinker. 

Beagle:  That neurotic little bitch. 

Me:  True, she is a little high strung. 

Beagle:  High strung my ass.  She makes Robin Williams when he was tooting a pound of coke a day look like Ben Stein. 

Me:  It’s not that bad. 

Beagle:  You don’t have a fucking clue how bad it is.  You don’t know what she’s like when you and that lady that lives here leave. 

Me:  What do you mean? 

Beagle:  All she does is run around the house screaming “They’re never coming back, they’re never coming back!!  We’re gonna starve!! 

Me:  Really? 

Beagle:  Oh, and if you happen to be gone when it gets dark then the fun really begins. 

Me: How so?

Beagle:  First she runs around the house making sure all the windows and doors are locked, then she gets her pistol out and makes sure it’s loaded. 

Me:  Wait a minute, she has a pistol? 

Beagle:  Don’t freak out, it’s just a little one and whatever you do don’t tell her I told you about it. 

Me:  Okay.  But I need to look in to this. 

Beagle:  Do what you think, but man be careful, she is damn touchy about that thing.  She won’t even let me look at it. 

Me:  Enough of that, let’s change the subject.  Is there anything else you would like to talk about? 

Beagle:  The food. 

Me:  What about the food, you said you liked it. 

Beagle:  No I didn’t, I said it was steady.  How about some of the good stuff in the can.  This dry shit is starting to hurt my teeth. 

Me:  Okay, we’ll look in to that.  Anything else? 

Beagle:  Yeah, why did I have to have a hysterectomy? 

Me:  Huh?  Oh, why did we have you spayed?  Well, so you couldn’t come in heat and have puppies. 

Beagle:  Oh, so you’re god now.  Deciding who can have kids.  What’s next, you going to decide when I take the dirt nap! 

Me:  Enough already! 

Beagle:  Sorry, I got a little carried away. 

Me:  I understand.  Well I see you are staring at your ass so I guess you have got to get busy.  Thanks for your time. 

Beagle:  Don’t slurp slurp slurp mention slurp slurp slurp 

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