Caveboy Monday: Chef Competitions

Is it just me or have cooking competition shows seemed to have gotten out of hand?  Most of them are just like all the other “Reality” shows except for about ten minutes where there is actual cooking happening.  Then the judges go on and on about how the contestants should “push the envelope”.  How many ways can you cook a carrot?  Then they say to the contestants “you didn’t take a chance”, that you “cooked something safe”.  I would think that as a judge I would demand that you cook something safe, cuz I gotta eat that shit.  I really don’t care that all the cutting edge restaurants are doing it; I really don’t care for aardvark anus tartar.

Here is a typical offering:

Judge 1: Chef what have you prepared for us today?

Chef: Hello my name is Alfonse, and today I have prepared braised cat nipple that was marinated in my girlfriend’s crotch for nine days.  I placed it on a bed of pan fried engine parts and then I used the juice from a yak placenta to make a reduction that I seasoned with just a hint of phlegm to give it that slightly nutty flavor, enjoy.

Now the judges review for Chef Al

Judge 1:  I thought the cat nipple was over marinated.  You couldn’t taste the areola, though the Vagisil undertones were very nice.  The phlegm was a nice touch in the yak reduction, but I think it could have used a little more of the afterbirth taste.

Judge 2:  I agree totally with judge 1.  You should have pulled the nipple out of the marinade after 8-1/2 days, did you check the temperature while it was in the marinade?

Chef Al: I put several thermometers in there, but when I tried to get them out my arm wasn’t long enough.

Judge 2: Then how did you retrieve the cat nipple?

Chef Al: I tied a rope to it before I put in, and then pulled it out.

Judge 3: Well I have to disagree with both of you.  I thought the nipple was perfectly seasoned and cooked to perfection.  The only mistake I saw was the piston rings could have used about another four seconds in the oil, but other than that I thought it was a great meal.

Next chef: Hi, I’m Monica, but my friends call me Monica.  What you have in front of you is a deep fried sheep spleen that I dipped in some industrial grade toilet bowl cleaner then rolled in some toenail clippings I have been saving for the competition.  Accompanying this are some steamed pencil erasers in butter with a nice thinly sliced pool cue, enjoy.

Judges review for Chef Monica

Judge 1: The sheep spleen was not fit to eat.  I have eaten sheep spleen all over the world and this was possibly the worst I have ever had.  I couldn’t eat it.  The coating was nice.  I liked the texture of the toenail clippings, though they didn’t have much flavor, you washed them before you coated the sheep spleen, didn’t you?

Chef Monica: (Head down staring at the floor like a fourth grader in the principals office), This was the first time I ever used toenail clippings and I was unsure whether to wash them or not, so I washed half of them.

Judge 1: You’re a lying bitch, you washed them all!  I know you did, so don’t stand there and lie to me, you sack of shit!  Aside from that I thought the pencil erasers tasted like vomit, which is exactly how they should taste and the pool cue was the best aged pool cue I have ever tasted.

Judge 2: I totally agree with judge 1.  You are a lying bitch.  Your father is a registered collie molester.  You aren’t fit to clean out the grease trap at McDonalds.  Get out of my sight, you sicken me.  Oh yeah the pencil erasers were nice.

Judge 3: Well I have to once again totally disagree with both of you.  I thought the sheep spleen was cooked to perfection.  The toenail clippings brought out a depth of flavor I didn’t think possible and the pool cue was superb.  All in all, one of the best meals in my life.

Now both contestants are in the back swilling beer as the judges confer.

Judge 1: I thought Al’s cat nipple was okay.  I just gave the guy shit to see if I could make him cry.

Judge 2: I thought Al’s cat nipple was okay.  I just gave the guy shit to see if I could make him cry.

Judge 3: Well I just said it was good so the guy wouldn’t go into the storage room and off himself, it really sucked.

Judge 1: Now for Monica.  The sheep spleen really was bad, but not as bad as I said and it really doesn’t matter if you wash the toenail clippings or not.  I just wanted to see if she knew.

Judge 2: I don’t know if her father is a collie molester, but I think I got my point across.

Judge 3: The pool cue was a bit overpowering for me.  I think maybe if she had puréed the erasers and served the pool cue on top of the puree’ it would have made for a much nicer dish.

Judge 1: I think we’re in agreement on who the winner is, let’s bring them back in.

Now both contestants are standing in front of the judges table rocking from one foot to the other like they need to piss really badly.

Judge 1: Al your cat nipple didn’t suck as bad as Monica’s sheep spleen.

Al’s face lights up like the guy that farts on an elevator just as he steps off and the doors close behind him.

Judge 2: Al your cat nipple didn’t suck as bad as Monica’s sheep spleen.

Judge 3: Monica the pencil erasers were cooked nicely and I thought the pool cue brought a good balance to the toenails.

Judge 1: As both of you know the winner of this competition gets an all expense paid trip to any place you want to go, as long as it doesn’t cost more than $11.47, in addition to that that there is a cash prize of $11.47, plus you get to come to my restaurant and wash dishes at no charge for three weeks.  Okay Judge 3 would you like to announce the winner?

Judge 3: Since we have to give this shit to somebody and you two are the only ones here, the winner is Monica.

Monica immediately breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably.  While Al stands there looking like the schmuck that he is.

The post contest interviews:

Host: Monica how do you feel about winning?

Monica: Please call me Monica.

Host: Okay Monica how do you feel about winning?

Monica: It is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.  This will give me so many new opportunities.

Host: To do what? Sleep with other contest judges like you did today.  Because we all know that’s how you won.

Monica: How did you know that?

Host: Well, you slept with me and I just figured that if you banged me, you banged the judges.

Monica: It worked didn’t it?

Host: Well yes and no.  You see Monica, you did in fact win, but this really isn’t a cooking show.  Those guys you humped thinking they were judges are really the janitors in this building along with Al.  We filmed all the encounters and are going to post them on our internet pay site www.stupidenoughtoscrewthejanitor.com and if you are thinking about legal action, forget it.  You signed a release giving us the right to use any and all images from this filming.  So Monica, if you know anybody else that is willing to sell their soul for the approval of total strangers, send em our way would ya.  There’s another $11.47 in it for you.

Remember nuthins free, so send money

caveboy out