Caveboy Monday: Downsizing, What a Harmless Sounding Word for Such a Vile Action

2011 May 2
by mockers

Downsizing, Rightsizing, Consolidation of Resources it all means the same thing, somebody or several somebody’s are getting the axe.

Company presidents, CEO’s and the big wigs sit around in their multimillion dollar offices drawing their six figure salaries and discuss how to save a few bucks.  The first thing on block is cutting heads.  Hell there are folks out there that make a good living just firing people.

First off why didn’t the so called leaders figure out that buying that ice factory in Alaska was not a good investment?  Then when the damn thing lost money for 23 consecutive months did they ever think about shutting it down.  No, because one the brainiacs on the board thought it was a great idea and there ain’t no fuckin way he is going to be associated with a loser like that.

So in an effort to cover his ass he enlists the help of his buddies.  I can imagine that meeting:

VP #1: VP #2 I need your help to cover up this 7 million dollar loss on that ice factory I wanted to buy.

VP #2: I don’t know that that was a real loser of an investment.

VP#1: Now wait just a damn minute, I backed you on the condom recycling plant in Zimbekistan.  That turned out to be a real gold mine didn’t it.

VP #2: You gotta point there.  What’s your idea?

VP #1: Well first we’ll close the ice factory.

VP #2: Good start, but how to we make up for the 7 million.

VP #1: Next we layoff 30% of the employee’s in all the factories in the southeast, hell so what if 1,300 people lose their jobs, we’ll come out of this with a bigger bonus than last year,

VP #2: But the Southeast region has the highest profit margin in the company.

VP #1: Exactly, by cutting overhead there we can cover the 7 million by the end of the year and nobody will be the wiser.

VP #2: Okay that’ll work, what do you need from me?

VP# 1: I need you to write the memo.  You know something like, In order to leverage our core competencies across the business unit, to increase our viability and to better utilize our resources the company has decided that rightsizing the company is the best move that will insure our position in the market.

VP #2: That is absolutely brilliant.

VP #1: Thanks, remember we have a 4 o’clock tee time.

VP #2: Give me ten minutes and we’ll go.

remember nuthins free, so send money

caveboy out

3 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 May 2
    Valentin permalink

    I wouldn’t doubt that this is exactly how it is played out.

  2. 2011 May 2
    Surly1 permalink

    Excellent. Just excellent. One of the great untold stories in American business is how businesses in particular and the country in general is harmed by mid-level managers making purchasing decisions that will secure and protect their bonuses rather than be in the long-term best interests of the company.

  3. 2011 May 4
    Strangeart permalink

    I particularly liked the phrase “In order to leverage our core competencies across the business unit”. I have an upper manager here that actually says shit like that and thinks he is brilliant.

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