Caveboy Monday: The News

Vulva: Good evening and thanks for watching the WTF evening news.  I’m Vulva Sweat filling in for Areola Brown and these are our top stories.

Suri Cruise has taken a shit.  At a press conference today the proud parents Tom and Katie Cruise indicate that this could possibly be the most important shit ever taken.  The couple went on to say that the shit was brown in color and appeared to be very intelligent.

When asked about the odor Mr. Cruise replied that there was no distinctive smell other than a brief hint of jasmine and roses.  Mrs. Cruise agreed with her husband adding “We couldn’t be more proud, this is some special shit!”

Mr. Cruise ended the press conference by saying “I know shit, so take my word this shit will be famous one day.”

In our next story, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was arrested at Home Depot earlier today.  It seems Ms. Polizzi had become belligerent and somewhat violent in the lawn and garden section of the store when female shoppers attempted to purchase any yard tool with a long wooden handle.  According to eyewitnesses male shoppers were not accosted, but any woman attempting to get a shovel or hoe off the rack was attacked.  Store spokesperson, Woody Nailer, stated the incident lasted for almost 30 minutes.  Finally police used an 8 foot 6 x 6 to lure her away from the yard tools into the back of a police paddy wagon and she was taken to jail.  Her agent could not be reached for comment.

Stay with us, after the break we are going live to downtown Los Angeles and a report on how Angelinos are staying cool in this record setting heat wave.

Vulva: Welcome back, we are now going live to JaWanna Phuc in downtown LA.  So JaWanna how are the folks coping with the blistering temperatures?

JaWanna Phuc: Well Vulva it’s not easy.  Wait a minute Vulva there seems to be some commotion at the end of the block.  Quick get the camera on this.  It appears that a helicopter, wait what’s that, is that something hanging underneath?  Yes, yes it is!  Vulva you won’t believe this, a helicopter is flying over head with Jennifer Lopez hanging from a cable underneath.  What are they doing?  Wait they’re gaining altitude.  There’s a shadow growing, it’s getting bigger.  Vulva the helicopter has positioned Jennifer Lopez’s ass between the sun and LA and has cast a shadow over the entire city.  It’s unbelievable!  This is JaWanna Phuc reporting live from downtown LA, back to you Vulva.

Vulva:  Thank you JaWanna for that live report.

Today in our nation’s capitol unconfirmed sources reported that the battle of the budget is nearing a conclusion.  According to our source Democrats and Republicans met on Capitol Hill and each side admitted behaving like a horse’s ass and that the well being of the nation took precedent over posturing and looking good on camera.  The President could not be reached for comment because upon hearing the news the President shit a brick and had to be rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital for treatment.

And now for sports with Andy Queef

Andy: Thanks Vulva

In sports news LeBron James has scheduled a two hour press conference that will be televised live on ESPN.  Unconfirmed reports indicate he is going to announce that he still doesn’t have a championship ring.

In a complete reversal of previous policies Major League Baseball has dropped the ban on performance enhancing drugs and gambling.  Players will now be allowed to use any drug available.  In conjunction with lifting of the drug ban, gambling will now be allowed at all major league and minor league parks.  Patrons will be able to place wagers on a variety of things other than the outcome of the game.  A few examples of “side” bets available,

Will the catcher take a foul tip to the nut sack. Odds 67 – 1

How many hit batters correct wager pays 22 – 1

How many times will the pitcher scratch his scrotum 99 – 1

Baseball commissioner Lawrence “Stitch” Feigenbeagle released the following statement.

“In the interest of the fans who are tired of watching pitching duels and 1- 0 games we thought by allowing performance enhancing drugs and gambling baseball could become more exciting for the fans and help those teams that suck really bad to sell a few more tickets.”

In the game between the Yankee’s and Red Sox Derek Jeter was called out on strikes, when he stepped into the batters box before the first pitch was thrown.  Home plate umpire William “Willy” Sticker said after the game “It was really hot and there were already two out in the bottom of the ninth.  I know the Yankees had bases loaded, but I had sweat running down the crack of my ass and I needed a beer.”  Under Major League rules the call is not reviewable.

And in NFL news, the problem of helmet to helmet contact may have been solved.  The NFL announced today that researchers at Slippery Rock University have perfected a system to determine if the contact is too violent.  It seems a device similar to what activates the airbag in your car has been fitted into a player’s helmet.  In the event of helmet to helmet contact that exceeds the limit for the unit a dye bomb will go off in the offender’s helmet.  Game officials will no longer have to make a judgment call as to whether or not the hit was intentional.

Vulva:  Stay tuned, when we come back I. P. Rainwater will give us the five day forecast.

Vulva:  Welcome back.  Now here’s I.P. with the weather

I. P.:  It’s hot, really hot.  Back to you Vulva

Vulva:  Thanks I. P.

Well that wraps up the 6 o’clock edition of WTF news.  Be sure to tune at 11 for our story on married couple sex Fact or Fiction.

For WTF news I’m Vulva Sweat, see you at 11.

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