Court Rules Against Roosevelt School for the Ugly

In a landmark decision, the superior court today ruled that the Eleanor Roosevelt School For Ugly Girls must begin admitting cute students to its classroom effective immediately.

A Dunbar girl named Holly Oates challenged the school’s decades-old policy of only admitting students who were deemed to be “aesthetically displeasing” by a four man panel.  Ms. Oates filed suit on constitutional grounds, claiming that she was discriminated against when she was found to be “cute as a speckled pup,” and thus ineligible for admission to the school.

According to the girl’s mother, Holly became distraught upon learning that she could not attend.  “She cried for three whole days,” said Dixie Oates.

“She dreamed of going to Roosevelt since she was a little thing.  I think she was drawn to it because she started out real ugly, and it seemed like a sanctuary to her.  Her father and I encouraged her, but she started growing into her long face in junior high and we knew it probably wouldn’t work out.  By the time she hit high school she was just plain cute — she’ll be angry that I said that, but it’s the truth.  We were just certain she’d end up in some cute girl school doing cute girl things, like laughing and smiling.”

But it seems everybody underestimated the determination of the scrappy Holly Oates.  “I may not be hideous on the outside anymore, but it’s still there.  Once you’ve been ugly, it marks you.  And I just don’t think it’s right to keep all these wonderful people hidden away from society.  For me to turn my back on my ugly sisters, now that I’m cute, would just be unthinkable.  I consider this to be a victory for ugly girls everywhere.  This is true progress!” said Oates.

Some current Roosevelt students seem to disagree.  “Who the hell does that bitch think she is?” said a sophomore who preferred to remain anonymous.

“She’s gonna get her ass stomped here, I guarantee it.  This school is one of the only places in the country where real students can come and focus on academics, without the pressure of trying to be something they’re not.  Now that selfish whore is going to ruin it all.  I’ll tell you what I think.  I think she’s raising a stink to let as many people as possible know she’s cute.  She applied here knowing she’d be turned down.  Then she filed that ridiculous lawsuit so she’d end up on the news and in the newspapers, with Cute Girl as the caption.  I bet she doesn’t care about this school, one bit.”

“Oh god, that’s simply not true,” said Oates, when told of the student’s charges.  “I want to go to Roosevelt for one reason: it’s a great school.  But I’m not offended by the remarks.  I understand the ugly mind, and know that ugly girls in particular can be very bitter and resentful.”

“But I can assure all my future classmates that I mean them no harm.  In fact, I want to announce right now that I am planning to twist my face up, like this, whenever I come in contact with an ugly girl on campus.  It is to show solidarity, and to demonstrate that I am not afraid to make myself ugly like them.  After I do that a few times, I think people will start to warm to me.”

“I’m really a nice person, once you get to know me, ” Oates added, laughing and smiling.