ESPN Radio: Mockable

2009 April 15
tags: ,
by mockers

espnradioI once shared an office with a guy, at a former job, who ate apples all the time.  I don’t know exactly how many apples are in a peck, but I’d be willing to bet he ate a full peck every day.

He kept them in one of his desk drawers, and destroyed the things like a machine.  There was just a continuous ripping sound, as his teeth tore through fruit, and the hydraulic chewing continued.  And when he talked, great jets of apple sauce would rocket past my face, or land on the “notes” area of my Far Side desk calendar.

The volume was incredible, and unceasing.  But, amazingly enough, apple-eating wasn’t his most annoying habit.  No, it only came in at number two on the long list.

He also listened to ESPN Radio all the time, through his tinny-ass laptop speakers.  And I grew to hate it with the intensity of a thousand suns…

It should be noted that I’m a red-blooded heterosexual male, and have no problem with sports, whatsoever.  In fact, I’m a once and future baseball fanatic.  But there’s something about sports talk radio that causes my sphincter to wink.

The hosts are a big part of the problem.  They’re perpetually exasperated, and shout in a thick New Jersey accent.  I can almost see them shrugging their shoulders, turning their blood-red heads from side to side, and holding their hands palms-up, in the grip of yet another overwhelming frustration.

Someone should create a drinking game, around ESPN Radio “talent” using the phrase, “I mean, come on!”

And are there any bigger idiots on this earth, than professional athletes?  I don’t think so.  What’s the point of even interviewing them?  Most only speak in bromides and mumbles.

It’s all “110%,” “staying healthy and keeping focused,” “came to play,” and “taking it one game at a time.”  It feels like the network just keeps five or six interviews in their library, and re-edits them to fit the situation.

And on the rare occasion a host or reporter forces a player to leave their pre-programmed comfort zone, it’s even more painful.  There’s usually an awkward struggle to sound intelligent, and not lapse into their native tongue:  semi-retarded bag of shit.

Also, ESPN Radio used to have a little sound effect they’d play before going to a commercial, after coming back from a commercial, and while checking in with the Dullard at the Desk, or whatever they call him.  And it sounded like a fat kid farting in a bathtub.  Not just a kid, a fat kid.  There’s a difference.

Every time that thing went off, which was every few seconds it seemed, my whole body would tense-up.  I probably lost ten pounds during the six months I shared an office with Ol’ Apples, because I was constantly working my muscles.

Sometimes when I’m driving a long distance I’ll scroll through the radio channels to find something to keep me awake, and will hit upon ESPN Radio.  Morbidly curious, I’ll leave it there for a few minutes.  Perhaps my strong opinions are unfair?  Maybe it’s not really that bad.

But then I’ll hear underwater flatulence slapping against plastic again, someone’s blood-red head moving back and forth, and 110%.  And I’ll almost crash my car, trying to find something better, like a Yoko Ono CD, or the Throat Cancer channel on Sirius.

The station’s motto should be “ESPN Radio:  More shouting!  More cliches!!  More exasperated assholes from New Jersey!!!”


8 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 April 15

    You are 110% correct, sir. Completely mockable!

  2. 2009 April 15
    Stephanie permalink


    And, Jeff…? I could NOT agree more! My husband has his clock radio alarm set to ESPN of all things, instead of a buzzer, ringing, cock crowing…ANYTHING else of all the options. Instead, I am awakened every morning by EXACTLY what you have described. Great work, once again.

  3. 2009 April 15

    One thinks he could have listened to anything but ESPN, how boring is that!!!

  4. 2009 April 15

    Hey wait, I’m from New Jersey!!!

  5. 2009 April 17
    Max Girth permalink

    Example Michael Vick:
    From Multi-Million dollar pro athlete & blood sport promoter to his plan of a $10 an hour construction worker. I guess nobody has the heart to tell ol’Mike since he’s been being converted to wide receiver on the inside, all those jobs have dried up. Interviewing these “college graduates” has got to be tough!

    But then the guys working for ESPN were flaps of skin who weren’t good enough to make it in the pros… (but wanted to soooo bad)

    Yeah, Mockable.

  6. 2009 April 18
    John permalink

    I can’t stand the “day in and day out” cliche as in he gets the job done day in and day out. They refuse to say “everyday” or just say he gets the job done.

    The more they think they know about sports the less intelligent they sound.

    Gotta go … the wife needs some apples and I’ll hear about it day in and day out if I don’t get her some fruit.

  7. 2009 April 18
    Taiwan On permalink

    Jeff: funny stuff, but you can’t mock ESPN. It is not American. What’s next? Mocking apple pie? My Mom for chrissake? I would give my left nut to be able to listen to ESPN Radio on the drive to/from Danshuei, rather than some ICRT hip-hop boy-band not-my-native-language crappola. We never appreciate what we have until it is gone…

  8. 2009 April 20

    Sure ESPN Radio is mockable! A horde of fat guys worried about their “Fantasy_______” (you fill in the blank for the sport) and then they turn around 1.) Like they have seen every professional sports game 2.) Talk like they know SO much that THEY should have been UK’s pick to replace Billy Gillespe instead of John Callipari! You can always thwart these fools by saying “Hey I didn’t hear your name mentioned for being in contention for the coaching position.”

    Works every time.

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