Explanations for Aliens: Elvis Presley

2009 April 21
by mockers

alienclip-300x3001Due to the high cost of intergalactic surveillance, and hard times everywhere, we here at Mockable dot org have decided to aid our alien friends by serving as field agents.

The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs.  Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be completely baffling to visitors from other galaxies.

Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget!

Elvis Presley was an enormously popular human entertainer from the America region of Earth, who began his career as a teenage rock ‘n’ roll singer in the 1950s, and eventually became a film “actor,” and full-blown cultural icon.

By the time he reached his late thirties, however, trouble was brewing.  Presley was now bloated and drug-addicted, prone to wearing sparkly jumpsuits and scarves in public, eating “nanner” sandwiches, and acting erratically.  It is reported that he would sometimes fly into a wild rage while sporting unreasonable sunglasses, and begin firing one of his many handguns into household appliances, sending his domestic staff scrambling for cover.

That’s right, scarves.

Elvis Presley died at the young age of 42, inside his personal bathroom, and with, it is believed, “one hanging.”  It was an undignified passing (so to speak) for a man of his stature.  And the world mourned his death at a number of emotional levels.

Since that sad day in 1977, however, Presley’s legend has only grown.  He is now accorded almost godlike status by fans, and his recordings continue to sell in large numbers.

Indeed, he is widely known as “The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll,” or simply “The King.”  And in the southeastern section of the United States it is not uncommon for homes on the market to be advertised as featuring three bedrooms, two baths, and a roomy ground-floor Elvis shrine

Almost without fail, the human public seems to prefer the early “skinny” Elvis, over the later “fat” version.  Indeed, throughout 1992 the U.S. Postal Service conducted a poll, asking respondents to choose skinny or fat, for a proposed postage stamp.  More than 75% preferred skinny.

Even after the post office offered to sweeten the pot with a red gravy-flavored glue on the fat stamp [citation needed], Americans were adamant they wanted skinny.

Fat Elvis, however, gets his due via “impersonators.”  These are entertainers who dress up like the singer, almost always in clothing inspired by the later jumpsuit and rhinestone era, and take to the stage to imitate the voice, mannerisms, and facial expressions of the late singer.

These impersonators, who are usually quite large themselves, have been known to suffer catastrophic trouser blow-outs, unexpected tugboat blasts of flatulence, and sometimes even serious spinal cord injuries while attempting to mimic Elvis Presley.

A small number of die-hards believe Presley faked his death in 1977, and is still alive today.  He is said to be leading the simple life in western Tennessee, protected by the locals, and using the name Buttercup Wilson.  Though vigorously disputed, some insist Elvis/Buttercup has developed, in recent years, a taste for human flesh.

I hope this report proves helpful.  As always, I will be standing on the roof of Tayback Fluff ‘n’ Fold every Thursday at midnight, in case you should have follow-up questions.

This concludes today’s broadcast by Agent 25064.

5 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 April 21
    Melissa permalink


    Great post….um….wasn’t Elvis just covered recently? Oh well, it was still good!

  2. 2009 April 21

    Last time it was fans of Elvis, this time it’s Elvis himself. Both are mockable, and require mocking.

  3. 2009 April 21

    “Even after the post office offered to sweeten the pot with a red gravy-flavored glue on the fat stamp [citation needed], Americans were adamant they wanted skinny.”

    Laughed my ass off on that. That’s right, I’m assless now. Thanks guys

  4. 2009 April 21

    Elvis is everywhere. –Mojo Nixon

    Why Elvis is everywhere, I haven’t a clue as his music REALLY blows.

  5. 2009 April 22
    Juancho permalink

    Wrong on all counts. Next.

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